>> Stephen: LET ME GIVE YOU A CHOICE, WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE
COMMERCIALS OR MORE SHOW?
>> AUDIENCE.
MORE SHOW!
>> Announcer: THAT MIGHT MEAN SOME PRODUCT PLACEMENT.
>> AUDIENCE: PRODUCT PLACEMENT!
>> Announcer: THE FIRST RULE OF SHOW BUSINESS IS GIVE THE
PEOPLE WHAT YOU TOLD THEM TO ASK FOR!
WHILE I CROSS OVER HERE, SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
>> Jon: WHOO!
MORE SHOW, MORE SHOW, MORE PRODUCT PLACEMENT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON, WE HAVE ONE
OF THE MOST WONDERFUL PERFORMERS ON THE SHOW, KEANU REEVES.
SO LUCKY, WHAT A PLEASURE.
WHAT A PLEASURE.
FOLKS, TONIGHT'S MORE SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DOOR DASH'S
DASH PASS, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS JUST FOOD.
BUT TURNS OUT, YEAH, I COULD HAVE 2 DOZEN GINORMOUS LEVAIN
COOKIES HERE IN 15 MINUTES.
BUT YOU GOT CVS ON HERE, I COULD ORDER A BUNCH OF DIAPERS RIGHT
NOW.
I CAN ORDER 3 BOTTLES OF BOURBON FROM THE WINE SHOP IF I WANT.
AND I CAN EVEN GET A DOZEN LONG-STEM ROSES FROM THE FLORIST
IN MIDTOWN.
YOU GOT BED, BATH, AND BEYOND, WHERE I CAN ORDER LIKE, A
PUMPKIN SHAPED SOUP TUREEN AT 11:46 AT NIGHT.
SHOULD I DO IT?
(CHEERS) YEAH, ONE THING I'VE LEARNED,
YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY TUREENS.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, FOLKS, AT THE END OF A
ROUGH YEAR, WE COULD ALL USE A LITTLE REST AND RELAXATION.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE LATEST TRENDS IN PAMPERING IN MY
NEW SEGMENT: STEPHEN COLBERT'S: I COULDN'T SELF-CARE LESS.
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST UP: HYDRATION, BUT NOT THE
WIMPY WATER-BOTTLE KIND.
I'M TALKING HYDRATION TO THE EXTREEEME BECAUSE I.V. DRIPS--
THE KIND YOU MIGHT GET IF YOU'RE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL, ARE
TRENDING AS A SPA TREATMENT.
YOUR MOVE, HOSPITALS.
IF YOU WANT TO STAY COMPETITIVE WITH SPAS, START TRAINING YOUR
HEART SURGEONS TO TOSS IN A COMPLIMENTARY SEAWEED WRAP.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THESE I.V.'S ARE AS
QUICK AS ROLLING UP YOUR SLEEVE, GETTING YOUR ARM SWABBED, AND
SITTING STILL FOR 45 MINUTES TO AN HOUR.
I MEAN WHAT'S THE OPTION?
DRINK A GLASS OF WATER?
( CHUCKLE ) NO, THANKS, I'M A BUSY MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS MAY BE HARD TO
BELIEVE, BUT THESE I.V. DRIPS AREN'T APPROVED BY THE FDA AND
CAN BE ADMINISTERED BY UNQUALIFIED PEOPLE IN SETTINGS
LIKE SHOPPING MALLS.
AN EXCITING PROMOTION FOR THE FIFTEEN YEAR OLD MANAGER AT THE
PIERCING KIOSK.
( LAUGHTER ) OUR NEXT SPA TREND, A THERAPIST
IN LONDON HAS CREATED THE SONIC MASSAGE, COMBINING A
LUXURIOUS, HANDS-ON MASSAGE WITH AN AURAL ODYSSEY, WITH SOUNDS
INCLUDING GONG BANGING, TUNING FORKS HELD CLOSE TO THE BODY,
AND THE OCCASIONAL MEXICAN DEATH WHISTLE THROWN IN FOR GOOD
MEASURE.
I'VE HEARD OF GONGS AND TUNING FORKS, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN
SOOTHED BY A MEXICAN DEATH WHISTLE.
HERE'S HOW IT SOUNDS IN THE HANDS OF A MASTER.
>> SO THIS IS THE DEATH WHISTLE.
( UNEARTHLY WHISTLE/HOWLING ) >> Stephen:
>> STEPHEN: AHHH, IF I WERE ANY MORE RELAXED RIGHT NOW I'D BE
RUINING TWO PAIRS OF PANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> DOOR DASH.
>> STEPHEN: --I'M SORRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> WE'VE GOT ALL YOUR STUFF.
AND SINCE YOU SUBSCRIBED TO DASH PASS: ZERO DELIVERY FEES.
>> STEPHEN: THIS IS JUST A TV SHOW.
I DIDN'T ACTUALLY ORDER ANYTHING.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> WELL, BASED ON THESE ITEMS, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A
BABY, SENT YOUR WIFE FLOWERS, YOU'RE PANIC-BUYING DIAPERS, AND
POUNDING GIANT COOKIES WHILE STRESS-DRINKING OUT OF A SOUP
TUREEN.
>> Stephen: GOT ME.
DoorDash, EVERYBODY.