- Uh. Oh!
- Yo, y'all got destroy-- goodbye little fella!
- ♪ (8 bit intro) ♪
- "Beast Battle Simulator." Ooh, it sounds intense.
- Like the goat simulator? I think it's gonna be like that.
- Maybe we're animals fighting each other.
- (FBE) In this game, you are going to be battling
in a series of different scenarios involving
attacking animals that you have to counter with other animals,
and sometimes flamethrowers.
- Oh, that's really interesting.
- Why would I want to kill animals?
- I feel like it's gonna be the silly end of things,
but just because it's strategy based,
I'm not gonna underestimate it.
- (FBE) We're gonna have you play through a few
of the opening scenarios and see how well you do.
- I'm gonna destroy and dominate.
- I'm ready.
- "The birds. A large swarm of birds has ambushed
your beast. Take them down."
- Go! Oh, I'm excited.
- This layout reminds me of Rollercoaster Tycoon.
- So where-- I can put it anywhere
in the square? How do I--
animals? Oh shit!
Okay. So I have $1500.
Let's see what can beat birds.
- They got giraffes, polar bears, gorillas, black bears.
- Wait, I can choose dinosaurs?
- We're gonna use a raptor as our first line of defense.
Raptors have 50 health, 20 damage each,
and are $40 out of my $1500,
so let's put there, there, there.
- A pterodactyl. Those fly.
- Let's get some wolves. That's a pack of wolves.
Hopefully they don't just eat each other.
That's what I don't want.
I don't know what a finback is, but I feel like we need one.
Oh yeah, we need one.
- I'm gonna do a shit-ton of wolves
'cause they're only $35 a pop. [Bleep] yeah!
- Ready? There's no way
a flock of birds could take down two pterodactyls.
- (laughing) That is so cool.
- What? Okay, so this played out
far differently than I assumed was gonna happen.
- Oh my gosh. They're just leaping.
Oh my gosh, my ostrich is dead!
- Oh jeez. What just happened?
Oh [bleep]. There's just one seagull left.
Oh, he's dead. That finback just [bleep] him up.
- This is brutal.
- That is so-- I won!
- That happened so fast. Oh my gosh!
- Damn, look at that. It's [bleep] vicious.
- Why? They're just birds.
- That was overkill. I did not need
as many animals as I had.
- Let's keep moving.
- Weaponized pigs? What?
"Gear up your pigs for a battle against a T-Rex."
- So I have to use the pigs.
- We got flamethrowers, lasers, and cannons.
We have 20 grand.
- 20 grand. A minigun's $500.
(laughing) You can put a minigun on the pigs.
- My pigs in the front are gonna have cannons on them.
- Oh look, it has right there too.
"Long rang--" Oh, that was probably
helpful to read. (laughs)
- Shotgun with high spread.
Let's do some on this guy and this guy.
- Let's buy more cannons. This entire back row
is just gonna be a cannon.
- These two pigs are gonna have lasers.
This is so fun. I'm, like, dressing them up.
Oh you can give them multiple things?
- I still have 14 grand left, so the entire middle row
is just gonna be miniguns.
- We're ready. Let's just go.
Aw, go my pigs!
- Whoa. Get 'em!
Look at the lasers. This is so sick.
It's like Star Wars. Oh my gosh!
(gasps) Ah!
- Get wrecked motherf-- oh my God.
- Keep shooting. Keep flamethrowing.
Oh, my poor babies. Oh no, oh no.
Okay, so T-Rex won. I lost.
- One lonely pig! Oh, he's on fire
He stepped on my pig. I don't think we beat him.
Damn. Look at all that bacon.
- He has demolished us.
- How did that happen. What the heck?
He literally just spun through them.
- None of the front lines seemed like they were of any help.
- Is he dead? Please tell me he's dead.
(gasps) The one survivor!
Oh my God. You're my hero!
- Press spacebar to retry. Okay, let's rethink this.
- He really just took down my front row,
so maybe I should put a lot of stuff on my back row.
- You're gonna get a cannon. All of these little boys
are gonna get a cannon.
- Lasers on the outside. Oh, I can double team?
Ooh.
- You have a laser be-- I'm just gonna be Oprah now.
You have a laser beam. I'm just gonna deck out
the artillery pigs. Let's see how many
I can just put on one of them.
- Now, let's start it. Let's try again.
Let's go pigs! Come on!
- Oh, there's so much blood. I don't know whose it is.
- He just stomps-- oh, he's on fire!
(gasps) I think the flamethrowers were a good idea.
- [Bleep] him up, pig! Yeah!
You are the champions! Whoo!
- Ah, we got him. Yeah.
- I won. (laughs)
I'm sorry. I feel bad for the T-Rex.
- Those three pigs deserve medals of honor.
- That was surprising, but they caught him on fire
and then he just went down.
- "Tiny animals are challenging you to win a game of soccer.
Win against them." Pff, easy.
- Okay. What?
- Budget record? I only get $300?
- I don't know if I [bleep] 'em up,
or if we're actually going to play soccer.
- So it's this team against my team.
Raptors are fast.
- Gazelles are faster than dogs and they have horns
and they cost just as much.
- I feel like hippos are really dangerous, right?
But they're kind of slow. Oh well, I'll do a hippo.
- We'll have a gorilla in a back line being goalie,
'cause I think he's the closest thing we have to a goalie.
- Yah. Okay, so they actually
are going for the soccer ball.
- Come on, team. We got this, we got this.
- Oh, shit! You just shot it
the complete wrong way, kangaroo.
- Are we killing them or trying to make a goal?
[Bleep] yeah!
- Did I do it? Oh, light vs dark.
Play to three.
- Whoa, these kangaroos are very good with--
oh, they just killed their own team.
- Come on. Goal, goal, goal.
God, you [bleep] idiot. I feel like I'm watching
FIFA right now. Yeah!
- How are you all still alive? (gasps) Oh, no.
- I got the African safari out here and a raptor.
[Bleep] with me.
- That's no fun-- oh, where you going?
You're on my team. Nice block.
- I like how we're just killing the enemy team.
I feel like we'd get a red card somewhere.
- Oh, oh. We won.
- What a nice, peaceful game of soccer.
Powerful penguins. Next level.
Ooh, "Take down the penguin squad. Tip: You can left click a beast
to take control of it." What?
- I could have done that this entire time?
Well the computer doesn't need me.
- I feel like I might make it worse, though,
if I take control of one.
- I have $500. Important, you always
have to look at your money. I'ma do polar bears and wolves.
- Polar bears eat penguins. Okay, but polar bears
are fat and slow.
- What's a club-- oh, oh!
- Whoa, it's a clu--
maybe I should just start throwing dinosaurs out
to see what happens.
I want these dinosaurs.
- We got a pack of hyenas. We've got one flamethrower.
I think this is a pretty fair fight.
- Get wrecked. Wait, how do I--
- (FBE) You have to actually left click on it.
- Like, how? Oh, there it is.
How do I control it, though? (laughs)
- (laughs)
- Yo, y'all got dest-- goodbye, little fella!
- Oh yes, good job, polar bear. Aw, they crashed into each other.
- I think they're all getting away. They're fast little guys.
- All right, this hyena's going ham.
I have seven health, but I think I can do it.
There's only, like, 85 penguins left.
Attack! Oh, I missed.
Ah, oh!
I'm just gonna let them do their thing.
Note to self: don't take control of them
if you suck at the game.
- Who got it? Was it the raptor?
It was the raptor. Raptor got it.
I think that's it. Yes.
- Pff. (laughs)
- That was good. That was good.
- I win. Easy.
- Oh, my bird is just dying. Did they get away?
Oh, how did I win that?
- I think these where a bad call. Compy's suck.
I want a finback. [Bleep] 'em up!
Jump over that slide. Nice.
Ooh, come on, not the-- same team, same team.
Oh, he sees 'em. Ow, running through.
Triple kill. Just one lonely penguin.
Yeah, you better slide away. Go into the mountains.
Aw yeah, you're dead. You're like in the Batman movie.
You're like Danny DeVito right now.
- "Prey's revenge. Get revenge on those pesky
predators using only prey animals."
- That is not gonna go very well.
- Oh, we got some crocadillies, some lions and hyenas.
- I feel like I wanna get a gazelle
and put a cannon on it, but they're gonna attack her,
and then my cannon's gonna go.
- Should I just be an armored elephant?
'Cause I had a lot of fun being a club tailed dinosaur.
- Oh, I wanna just give them all weapons.
I just want a couple and then just deck 'em out.
Gorilla with a laser head? I think so.
- If I just put out as many animals as I could,
maybe it'll distract them.
- Okay, I'm just gonna do some bears then, I guess.
A bear's prey? What?
Am I allowed to use this? All right, this is a risky one.
I don't really know how it's gonna turn out,
but they got some flamethrowers,
so, I guess we'll just see how it goes.
Oh my gosh, they're rhinos? Oh my gosh!
This is so violent! (gasps)
My rhinos! They died so fast.
That was just terrible.
- That was a massacre. That was a massacre.
Well [bleep]. (laughs)
- Just torching everything. Wait, is that a win or a loss?
I can't tell. Oh, I think that was a loss.
Yeah, 'cause it got my leg.
- Did I just die already? Yeah, wow, that was really bad.
- Laser 'em. Laser them.
Oh, shit. We just got ran over real quick.
That was not the right move. That was really embarrassing.
- Oh my God! They're killing him!
My animals! Wow, I won that?
My animals are all dead. There's still one right here.
- Okay, I think we're just gonna have to overrun them
with the amount.
- Got $100 on gazelles. Let's do another 100 on penguins.
- Penguins are supposed to be hard,
so, just do an army of penguins.
- I'm gonna have some tougher animals
like one elephant with everything. Ooh, do I have
a flying animal, maybe? What if I do a laser?
I do a cannon. Now I do a shot--
no, a minigun. He looks like a [bleep] attack jet.
He will win.
- All right. Go.
Go, attack! Oh my gosh,
the seagulls are vicious. (gasps)
- Oh, go penguins, go! So far, so good.
- Yeah, [bleep] 'em up. Yeah, penguin army!
Yeah, penguin army for the win.
- What? My mind is blown.
- I don't know how a black bear is not a predator, though.
That's what I don't understand. Only using prey animals!
I threw in four bears.
- All right, and I gotta do this quick.
No, come here you [bleep]. I'm trying to take control
of the God damn thing. Let's try it again.
Come on, come on. Ah, you mother [bleep].
Come here you motherf-- oh, hell yeah!
Am I getting anybody? It doesn't look like it.
Die! This is not working.
This is not working well. Did I get one?
Oh, I just died.
What about a huge conglomeration of gorillas?
You guys will [bleep] some shit up, right?
Looks like we're gonna do it this time.
It looks like we're gonna do it this time!
Yes!
- ♪ ...for losers, 'cause we are the champions ♪
- It's very competitive. It's sad.
It's entertaining. I'm never gonna play it again.
- It was so gory and you didn't really have to do anything,
but it was just so satisfying when you won.
- It's such poor physics and so hilariously goofy,
you can't not be entertained and laugh at it.
- Thanks for watching us play Beast Battle Simulator
on the React Channel.
- Subscribe! New gaming episodes every week
and they get weirder than this.
- Deuces!
- Hey everybody, Derick here, one of the React Channel producers.
Come on, what else did you want to see?
You wanted to see a shark with frickin' laser beams
on his head. Why did nobody do that?
Missed opportunity.