- Welcome back.
Last week, President Trump lurched from the White House TV
den onto the White House lawn, then
went right back inside once he saw there wasn't another truck
for him to play in.
But eventually, his staff coaxed him back
out with his favorite treat--
a photo op with a few dozen identical old white dudes.
REPORTER: A dramatic day ended at the White House,
as President Trump and House Republicans
celebrated wrestling out a hard-fought first win
in the fight over the Affordable Care Act.
Make no mistake-- this is a repeal
and a replace of Obamacare.
Make no mistake about it.
Make no mistake.
Yeah, you don't want to make a mistake.
Mistakes can lead to C-sections, which could lead
to a spike in your premiums.
What do you think of that, boys?
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]
[LAUGHS] That's the best joke Mike Pence
has heard since "Hee Haw" went off the air.
But no one was grinning more radiantly
than Paul Ryan, the Speaker of the House
and Successories' latest poster boy.
Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you.
Thank you for your leadership.
I want to thank all the other members.
I want to thank Tom Price.
I want to thank Mick Mulvaney.
And I especially want to thank Reince Priebus.
We could not have done this without you gentlemen.
You guys are the best.
OK, rein it in, Sally Field.
They don't really like you.
They just like winning.
REPORTER: "A former House whip, Tom DeLay,
was spotted smoking a cigar just off the floor."
The line of the day was-- was, you know, out of "Braveheart."
Freedom!
Yeah, what was the first part of that line again?
They may take our lives.
OK, that fits.
This level of gleeful cavorting over millions of Americans
losing health care is pretty ghoulish,
even for the party that almost nominated
a dementor for president.
Faced with a major policy change affecting one sixth
of the economy and every citizen with a body,
the news media responded in the usual way--
by sending an intern to the cliche
silo to bring back as many hackneyed sports
metaphors as possible.
A celebratory dance in the end zone.
A first down on the football field, but not a touchdown yet.
Doing the victory dance at halftime.
I think it's like the first quarter at this point.
REPORTER: But it's only halftime.
Spike the ball on the 50-yard line.
- It's a whole new ball game. - 50-yard line.
Touchdown. REPORTER: End zone.
A punt. REPORTER: Spiking the ball.
Halftime.
REPORTER: This White House is obviously OK spiking the ball
when it believes they've one.
Well, this health care touchdown dance occurred
some time in the first quarter.
And if you'll allow me to extend the metaphor--
No, shut up!
I will not allow it.
This isn't football-- this is life or death.
This is real people having to choose between their health
and supporting their families.
So, OK, I guess maybe it is a little like football.
Can't somebody unpack what this bill
means for Americans without resorting to ESPN jargon?
If you thought "Sharknado" was a bad movie,
"Sharknado 2" is even worse.
So the AHCA is an ironically shitty bill?
You know, of course the media aren't
the only ones who sportify our life and death issues.
REPORTER: Today, House Republicans were giddy--
We're gonna pass it.
REPORTER: --pumping themselves up before the big vote
with the theme song to "Rocky."
Sure.
Nothing gets you pumped up to strip people's health
care like the theme to a movie franchise
about a guy who gets a broken nose, arthritis, brain damage,
and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, while his mentor dies
from a heart attack, his best friend dies from injuries
sustained in a fight, and his wife goes into premature labor,
falls into a coma after giving birth,
and eventually dies from ovarian cancer.
(ECHOING) Now let's get ready to kill affordable coverage
for preexisting conditions!
While Republicans were fluffing themselves like Dirk Diggler
to pass this piece of shit bill by one vote,
the Democrats held the high moral ground, which
they will lose in 3, 2, 1.
REPORTER: That, folks, is the sound of House Democrats
singing to Republicans to signal their belief that the health
care bill will ultimately hurt the GOP in the next election.
Fuck, Democrats!
All you had to do was not sing.
It's so easy.
I'm doing it right now, you tithammers.
While both teams were doing stupid, premature victory
celebrations, the nerds in the AV Club
were obsessively analyzing all the stats
to predict the outcome of the next political rematch.
All of which plays into the mentality
of the dopey seven-year senior quarterback
who only cares about getting a win so he can brag.
It's going to be an unbelievable victory.
We don't have to talk about this unbelievable victory.
It no longer matters because we won.
We want to brag about the plan because this plan really--
uh-oh.
Yes, I believe that is the official name of the Trump
health care bill, which you will never
see again because even Senate Republicans think it's crap.
REPORTER: Do you like the House bill?
I haven't-- I haven't paid that much attention.
We will work together carefully
to write our own bill.
One thing we can be sure of is that what they were celebrating
in the Rose Garden yesterday is not going to look anything like
what they passed in the House of Representatives when
and if the Senate gets up-- takes
up their version and is able to pass it out of their body.
Yes, pass it out of their body is the perfect phrase.
Trumpcare has made its way through one chamber.
Now it will be broken down in the other chamber.
And the Republicans are hoping the remaining product--
mostly fiber residue, mucus, dead bacteria,
cellular linings-- will be passed out of the body
with the stamp of the sphincter-in-chief
and dumped onto the American people.
Oh, that sample doesn't look healthy.
Republicans, you should have a doctor look at it.
Luckily you have excellent government health insurance.
We'll be right back.
[MUSIC PLAYING]