'There has never been any contact with alien lifeform in the space program... thus far.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I knew you’d come.’
Two reasons, we’re looking at 1990’s The Dark Side of the Moon, firstly...
This future is our present,
secondly, it is yet another in a long list of Alien rip offs,
and also draws on John Carpenter’s The Thing.
'Woah, woah! Take it easy'
Also, the final film of Blade Runner’s Joe Turkel.
‘The dark side of the moon’
A repair crew, sent to fix an orbital missile launcher breaks down,
‘What the hell was that?’
but their onboard computer can’t find a problem.
‘It’s like suddenly they got a mind of their own’
Something worth noting right from the start is the inconsistency of technology in this film,
here’s the control room, clunky down to earth tech.
Here’s the computer, Leslie.
'OK Leslie, lets take a look at those lost ships.'
So alongside a standard desktop keyboard you have a sexy synthetic controlling everything.
'Although completely useless in this particular crisis.'
'Everything is working accordingly.'
Now the crew are fumbling around in the dark,
not sure the torch is totally necessary,
when something else happens.
'Something is out there, it's coming right at us.'
‘I'll be dammed, Discovery from the old NASA program’
And that’s weird because...
‘NASA hasn’t been flying for 30 years’
This is was made in 1990 which means the filmmakers thought NASA only had two years left.
Really don’t get why they didn’t set it further in the future.
Anyway, hoping to scavenge enough to fix their ship, they go onboard.
NASA did have a shuttle Discovery operating in the early 90s
but you’ll be shocked to learn that its interiors do not look like sets left over from Das Boot.
‘I’m not sure, it looks like we’ve got water damage’
You see I would be surprised by that.
I would also wonder, where the fish came from.
These guys don’t bat an eye until...
Intrigued by the mystery, Giles – who wins the Dark Corners Casper Van Dien award for looking like Casper Van Dien -
investigates Discovery’s history.
‘The crew was forced to make an emergency landing as a result of multiple malfunctions during re-entry’
Yet here it is floating in space.
Where did it crash?
‘126 miles from the Florida coast, between Bermuda and Miami’
You don’t mean…?
‘The Bermuda Triangle’
At the same time...
The dead guy comes back to life.
‘Alas. The day of reckoning is upon you all’
and attacks the ship’s sole human woman, Alex,
in what seems to be a cross between chestburster and facehugger.
'You belong to me now.'
Given when this is set, it’s weird to me that no one is going, ‘Wow, this is just like Alien/’
‘Would you cut it out with this sci-fi bullshit’
Captain Flynn returns to Discovery.
Can we now acknowledge the water is weird?
‘What the hell is salt water doing on this ship?’
Everyone knows space is fresh water!
Back in sick bay, Alex seems to be feeling better.
I could point out that’s not what she’s wearing in the scenes either side of this one,
but to be honest it feels like this was added when someone pointed out there was no nudity,
#Alien Scream# - Sorry no boobs for you, the youtube algorithm doesn't like it. You can join us on Patreon or search "nude Yoga" on youtube... apparently, that is fine because it is educational.
And…
The beast within claims another victim.
'You have weakend and now you belong to me.'
Giles again consults Leslie about the ships that have gone missing in the Bermuda Triangle.
‘There must be over 500 vessels listed as lost’
‘665 to be exact’
six, six five?
‘Lucky us. We would be 666.’
Yes, if you were in the Bermuda Triangle you would be 666, but you’re not.
Still he checks the triangle’s coordinates,
seems normal.
‘Remove all numerals other than 6’
‘Mark of the beast’
Or, you could add two eights, two zeros, and a five and it spells BOOBS.
The mark of the breast.
‘What in the hell are you talking about?’
My point being, if you have to take all the other numbers away, it’s not a pattern.
In an attempt to get the ship moving, Giles heroically returns to Discovery and is trapped outside.
‘Open the hatch’
In space, everyone can hear you yell.
‘It was in Paxton, now it’s in Jennings’
The satanic killer continues to body hop through the crew, even taking out Leslie.
‘Get away from me you mother funster’
Yep, that’s how computer’s speak.
Until Giles finally comes face to face with – and, it is one hundred percent clear on this – the devil.
'Hell is the universe, but so is Hell,'
'When God cast me from the heavens I vowed to one day be more powerful than he.'
Just to recap, the Devil is stealing human souls one kidnapped ship at a time
and dumping the empties on his moon base,
but, despite powerful motivation to take as many as possible,
‘Each soul I take strengthens me 100fold’
he only takes them from the Bermuda Triangle, because.
‘Let’s just call it convenient’
Does he have a holiday home there?
I understand it’s lovely.
‘God damn you Jennings!’
Leaving aside that this is nonsense,
what really makes it hard to watch is characters who aspire to being cut outs.
‘Is that a problem’
It lacks a Ripley or MacCready to give it life.
It’s bad things happening to boring people for inexplicable reasons.
'Listen guys, I think we can be a little bit more constructive here.'
Thanks for watching. For more satanic movie reviews click here.
Are there good Bermuda Triangle films? Your suggestions in the comments below.
One more to go, but I need a pee.
'Well, that's a mouth full of good news.'