Transcriber: Vy Dinh Reviewer: Anna Sobota
Hi, I’m Chanel Matil Lodik, and for all my life, I’ve been acting.
I’m 34 years old, and I’ve been playing this role based on other people’s needs,
while all I wanted to be in life was myself.
Well, all I want to be in life is myself.
So this was my introduction,
and as I read it out loud to my wonderful TEDx coach, she replied:
“Could I get some feedback?”
Of course, I said.
“Well, what’s in it for me?”
I think a certain part is missing.
What’s in it for the audience?
And as someone who has studied marketing and has made a career in marketing,
I understand that it's always important to tell people what's in it for them.
It immediately grabs their attention.
But today, it's not about what's in it for you.
Today, it’s about what’s in it for me.
As a black autistic woman, as a mother, as a daughter,
I’ve dedicated my life to being who people needed me to be.
So today's about my needs.
Today is about the needs of people who may not look like you,
who may not think like you,
whose brain may be wired different than yours.
People who might experience the world in a different way than you do.
Today’s about their needs.
And all that’s in it for you?
Well, it is learning more on basic human decency.
Because I’m human.
I’m Black and I’m human.
I’m autistic and I’m human.
I’m a mother and I’m human.
So what I’m going to do is give you four pieces of advice
to rethink the way that you look at people like me,
to reboot your accustomed ways of treating people like me,
and to act better and treat people like me like actual human beings.
Number one,
ask how people want to be treated and accept their answer.
Now, let me show you what that looks like in real life.
Actually, let me show you what it looks like in my real life.
My birthday was on November 3rd.
I hate celebrating my birthday.
I hate to be in the spotlight.
And yes, I have this gigantic spotlight on me right now,
so I get the irony.
But I hate the spotlight.
So, I think I’ve been celebrating my birthday till I was about 20
and after that just went missing on that day.
But still, I receive the same question every year:
“Where’s the party at?”
But this year I had the most perfect birthday ever.
It was like it was really terrific.
And it was terrific because people ask me how I wanted to spend my day.
They ask me if I had a wish list.
Because even though I don’t like to celebrate my birthday
in the most typical way, I do like receiving gifts.
So what I did was have an easy morning with my son,
then brought him to my mother and then went about my day.
I had a photo shoot for a newspaper in the park in the lovely November sun.
Then went to Carche to do a tour in the pop-up store
and afterwards went to Louis Vuitton and bought myself
a gift with my dad's debit card.
And afterwards I went to pick up my son again,
met up with my boyfriend and we had a simple pasta dinner in a restaurant.
And the entire day my phone was under not disturb.
So at the end of the day, my best friend called me.
She video-called me as she always does.
She asked me about my day.
I told her about my day.
And suddenly she interrupted me and she said,
“Okay, it’s your birthday.
You answered the phone and you’re smiling.
What’s wrong with you?”
I told her people ask me how I wanted to be treated
and accepted my answer.
Number two, communicate clearly.
We live in a world
where people are jumping through all kinds of hoops to not be too direct,
which is odd because as a Dutch society,
we always take pride in how direct we are in our direct culture.
That's until they meet someone like me,
a straightforward woman who happens to be Black and autistic.
I always joke when I only have to breathe for people to say I'm attacking them.
But when we jump to all kinds of hoops to not be too direct
and we don't say what we actually mean,
it makes it hard for people to understand you.
Because even though there are many people who know how to read between the lines
and know what you’re saying without you actually saying it,
there are also many people who are not able to decipher your message.
That's why my second piece of advice is to communicate clearly.
It makes it easier for people like me to understand what you're saying,
and it also makes it easier for society to see the way that I communicate,
the way that I speak for what it is:
straightforward, direct, efficient and not offensive or rude.
Number three, be proactive in your support.
We also live in a society where we react to when people need us.
We react on their request.
So instead of asking or saying,
“I’m here for you when you need me”.
“How can I help you?“
Or “all you had to do was ask” after someone already fixed the problem,
let’s be proactive in our support.
Now, let me give you an example.
As a mother, it’s like usual or typical
to do the nighttime routine with your child.
For me, it’s very difficult.
At the end of the day,
I’m very overstimulated with all the sensory information
that I received during the day.
So nighttime routine is hard but I always try to do it.
And I always end up laying next to my son like a stiff board
and praying and hoping that he falls asleep
before I have to shout, “stop touching me”.
So his dad noticed.
He noticed that I was struggling
and he decided to be proactive in his support without me having to ask.
One day, I said to my son,
“Baby, after mommy gets out of the shower, we’re going to bed”.
Just to hop out of the shower and step into a dark home.
Dad took over a nighttime routine that day for the first time.
And he hasn't stopped doing it ever since.
He decided to be proactive in his support
without me having to ask what I was ashamed to ask for.
Now I get that you’re thinking,
how can I be proactive in my support?
How can I help people
without them communicating clearly what their needs are?
That’s why my fourth piece of advice is, educate yourself.
Get to know people.
Study their behavior.
Study their neurodivergency.
It will help you understand them better,
and it will help you understand their behavior better.
I've seen it with my own eyes.
This year, my sister wanted to throw a big party for her daughter,
who turned five in June.
She rented this big villa and invited us all.
She had separate rooms for everyone, so we were there with the entire family.
But before I could come, she called me in advance and she said,
“So from what I’ve learned about autism, this would be very hard for you.
It will be just too much.
So how can we include you in our party?”
And what she actually said was,
“How can we make this party accessible to you?”
So before I could answer it, she said,
“I already reserved the room at the end of the hall for you
so people won't be crossing your door the entire time.
That’s if you want to stay.
Because you could also come in the morning of her birthday
and then leave the same evening
or you could just stay one night.
It’s whatever works for you”.
I felt appreciated.
I felt seen and I felt valued.
And it was this was the same sister
that replied to my diagnosis four years ago with saying,
“No, you’re not autistic.
You’re just tired.”
That same sister then took it upon herself to educate herself on autism.
So I didn’t have to.
And with educating herself,
she ticked all the boxes on how to treat people better.
She communicated clearly.
She asked me how I wanted to be treated and accepted my answer.
And she was proactive in her support.
She gave me solutions to problems I didn't even know I had.
So, at the beginning of this talk,
I told you that all that’s in this talk for you
is learning more on basic human decency.
But let’s think about what kind of world we would live in
if people would rethink the way
they look at neurodivergent people, would reboot their accustomed ways
and would act better and act on these new learnings.
We would live in a world where people would ask you
how you wanted to be treated and accept your answer.
People would accept you for who you are.
We would live in a world where people communicated clearly
and we didn't have to guess what they mean.
We didn’t have to tone police women who are straightforward.
And we would live in a world where people would educate themselves
on being better human beings.
So I guess that’s all that’s in it for you,
a better world.
Thank you.