Translator: Theresa Ranft Reviewer: Denise RQ
(Audience chuckling)
Sam Simmons: Hmm.
(Laughter)
(Reading) "Dear Sam,
do you think one day in the future,
that humankind will ever colonize and live on the Moon?
If so, I'm getting off this rock.",
from Russell in Wollongong.
"Dear Russell, I fully agree.
Let's go to the Moon, man."
(Exhaling)
(Electronic music starts)
Yeah!
(Rhythmic music continues)
Hello and welcome. Are you good?
Well, you look bored already.
I know it's been 12 hours, yet, give me something!
(Audience cheering and clapping)
Aah!
(Audience wolf whistling)
Aah!
Yeah!
All right, stop!
(Music ends)
(Laughter)
(Applause)
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
I want to welcome you to our not-too-distant future
on the Moon!
(Narrator) (Singing ditty-style) The Moon!
(Audience chuckling)
As you can see, in the future,
they still haven't found a cure for baldness yet.
(Narrator) (Singing) Baldness yet!
(Laughter)
My name is Sam Simmons, and I'll be your intergalactic space tour guide.
(Narrator) (Singing) Really big dickhead.
SS: Ah, that's a bit louder.
(Laughter)
Since the beginning of time,
many people have wondered about the Moon.
(Laughter)
What's that thing up there?
Is it a hole in the roof?
Maybe it's some kind of fat bird or a wheel of cheese.
I can't find my backpack anywhere.
(Chuckling) That's probably because you're wearing it.
(Laughter)
OK.
Humankind has done a lot of stuff.
We conquered Mount Everest.
We conquered the dolphins.
(Laughter)
We even conquered ourselves.
I'm ripped.
(Laughter)
This has got nothing to do with the Moon, it's a 'Meximo.'
(Laughter)
It's an Eskimo-Mexican hybrid.
(Laughter)
Or they [pay] say it's a Inuit-latino or an 'Inuino.'
(Laughter)
The Moon,
or 'moonge' being its correct Latin term,
was first discovered 600 years ago by Graham Moon,
a pastry chef from Austin, Texas,
who coincidentally also invented the BLT.
(Laughter)
Eventually, when man did walk on the Moon in 1969,
Lance Armstrong uttered these famous words,
"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
This is actually incorrect.
What he actually was trying to say was,
"I can't believe this, I'm walking on the fucking Moon!"
(Narrator) (Singing)The Moon!
But before I begin, I have some rules for the rest of the talk
because some of my theories might freak you out a little bit.
Can I please have some TEDx-talk rules music, please?
(Narrator) (Singing) TEDx talk rules music.
(Upbeat music)
(Laughter)
Rules! Bring on the rules for the rest of the gig, people.
Number one: scissors will not be tolerated at the TEDx talk.
If you did sneak scissors into the TEDx talk,
you do not run around with scissors.
You're liable to snip a nipple.
Snipple!
(Laughter)
If you're a gardener or a horticulturist,
and you happen to bring a rake along today, keep it horizontal.
You don't want to obscure the gig for people sitting behind you.
Same rule applies
for goal umpires with flags, cross enthusiasts, and chimney sweeps.
Eyes up, madam!
(Laughter)
Rule number four: no cats will be allowed at the gig.
(Audience) Aah!
Do not think about tyrannosaurs at the gig.
Please, upon exiting the gig, do not do that.
(Laughter)
No pancake rage will be [allowed] at the gig.
Please don't do that either;
unless you know the person next to you; then molest away!
(Upbeat music)
That's a ...
the vortex in the egg compartment.
(Laughter)
No? All right.
If you happen to sneak a moth in today,
make sure it's wearing tiny, little shorts and whatnot.
Safety first!
(Laughter)
Taco.
Hey, can we stop the music, stop, stop, stop!
Stop!
You seem confused.
(Laughter)
I'm not actually talking about the Moon.
I'm just talking about being silly.
I was just being silly.
Some people don't like silly - you, sir.
Some people have no time for silly whatsoever,
and I think that's sad.
Cue pathos music.
(shouting) Cue pathos music!
We need silly.
Especially in a world that's getting just a little bit more shit every day.
We need silly more than ever.
My granddad was the silliest person I knew;
he was an idiot, we was a baker.
Right up until before he died he was still being a dickhead.
I loved him.
He used to come home with Vienna loaves.
He would bring home stale Vienna loaves;
the ones the size of a football.
He'd carve them out, and he'd pop them on as bread shoes.
(Laughter)
Loafers! They’re loafers, people!
(Laughter)
I loved my granddad.
(Cheering) (Applause)
But now we're losing tolerance for silly.
Silly isn't a luxury, silly costs nothing.
My granddaddy used to celebrate those tiny. little, innocuous moments
like when you're doing the washing up,
and you over-soap a coffee mug,
but then you might accidentally drop it,
but then you accidentally catch it with your foot.
That is a sensational moment!
(Laughter)
People who forget to take off their bike helmet
and walk right inside shopping centers -
they're brilliant, I love those people.
(Laughter)
When a door's slowly closing,
you only get to the most fine-lined gap, then you slip through.
You slip through, just like this.
(Heroic singing)
That's a good moment.
Those moments are precious.
I got told off at the bus the other day for laughing out loud.
What the fuck has happened to us?
(Laughter)
I wanted to say "Good morning" to a little, old lady, and she flinched.
Fuck! What have we done?
Since when did a father at the park with his child begin to look suspicious?
Now!
Because we've lost our innocence, we're fucked up!
There's so many rules now, we don't know what to do anymore.
We're so tainted with beige and cynicism.
So much paranoia.
Don't run. Don't smoke.
Don't drink coffee but drink more water.
But don't drink bottled water, and don't drink so much.
Get back to nature, climb a tree.
Eat more veggies, but veggies are trees.
Eat more fruit, but not too much fruit
because of how much sugar is in the fucking fruit!
(Laughter)
Ride a bike to work.
Recycle everything.
But don't fucking swear.
I saw a little, old man confused in a coffee shop,
We'll just call it "Mega Chain" coffee shop.
He didn't know what type he wanted, he just wanted a coffee.
He wandered in there; finally, worked it out with a flat white.
Handed over his $4.50. Yes! $4.50 for a coffee.
(Audience) Boo!
Do you think he could pay for it right there? Of course not.
He'd to go
to the designated "Mega Chain" coffee shop bloody-paying-for-your-coffee area.
So off he shuffled over there to hand over his $4.50.
Could he wait for it there? Of course he couldn't.
He'd to go to the other side of the store
to the designated "Mega Chain" coffee shop waiting-for-your-coffee area.
Do you reckon they sugared his coffee for $4.50?
Of course they didn't.
So there he was, with his little gnarled fingers
trying to tear up the sugar sachet.
He didn't even see when he dropped the whole one in there.
And then, the final indignity.
They gave him a stick, a stick;
a fucking ice-cream stick to stir his coffee.
That man probably went to war and lived through infinite horror
so you can have the freedom to make him a coffee.
You are going to like stir his coffee, you "Mega Chain" coffee cunts!
(Laughter)
Sorry.
(Applause)
Learn a language, read more books.
Travel to a third-world country.
Go to church. Don't go to church.
Don't sit too close to the television.
Don't watch television.
Be on television.
Take your dog for a walk.
Let your dog take you for a walk.
Think about Michael Leunig a lot!
(Laughter)
Get a dolphin tattoo.
Donate to a charity.
Have a relaxing bubble-bath, but don't waste water.
Live alone for a year.
Daydream, get some sun but not too much fucking sun.
Fly a kite. Build a boat.
Don't run with scissors.
Don't draw outside the lines.
Dance like nobody's watching,
and witness the universe in the center of a mother-fucking raindrop.
"Don't talk to me right now, just facebook me later.
Now, I know I'm right here, but don't talk to me right now.
Don't talk to me, don't talk, just facebook me!
Facebook me! Facebook me! Facebook me!"
What a load of shit!
(Applause) (Cheering)
Do you know what I forgot to do then?
I forgot to be silly.
(Laughter)
(Cheering)
(Applause)
(Cheering)
(Applause)