Now...
we are going to take an uncomfortably close look
at a befuddling online trend,
in a segment we call
(cheering and applause)
The Internet, it has something for everyone...
to masturbate to.
MARTINDALE: That's true.
Nowhere is this more true than on Amazon,
where Amazonian authors produce digital stories,
where humans get it on with dinos, gryphons,
and all manner of beastie, both historical and mythical.
BELLI: Aw.
But the master of the genre
is a mysterious figure named Chuck Tingle,
who, since 2014, has written over 80 micro-novels
with titles like, Space Raptor Butt Invasion,
or Creamed in the Butt by My Handsome Living Corn.
(laughter)
-I'm listening. -Yes, me, too.
And my favorite, Happy Birthday, Frankenstein, Now Pound My Butt.
(laughter and applause)
That's not Frankenstein.
That just looks like '70's Hulk.
I don't know what that is.
Comedians, what is a line that you might read
in this amazing erotic horror tale?
Willam.
(bleep) me so hard Gene Wilder could feel it.
HARDWICK: All right, points.
(laughter)
Uh, Bridget.
Fire, bad!
Paying attention to balls, good!
(laughter)
HARDWICK (laughing): Points.
Just... Justin.
It's that show, it's that show.
HARDWICK: It's that show, that's fine.
Uh, Frankenstein violently ripped off his own head
so he could easily suck his own (bleep).
HARDWICK: Yes, points.
Well, that's what you do if you have a removable head.
I mean! I mean!
And now the reclusive Mr. Tingle is incredibly prolific,
-churning out super... -BELLI: Dad!
-There he is. -(laughter, applause)
There he is.
(whooping, applause)
But who is Chuck Tingle?
No one knows and it's driving me (bleep)ing bananas.
I have combed his books for clues, for research.
-I've had... -(laughter)
I've had my entire staff here scour the internet.
I even went to the pet store and shoved a gecko up my butt,
hoping he'd appear, but the only thing that happened...
But the only thing that happened
was that I could not stop ejaculating,
and I saved 15% or more on my car insurance.
(laughter and applause)
But...
Here's what we do know: His name is most likely a pseudonym.
His author photo is some kind of stock photo
-from a stock photo site. -(comedians exclaiming)
So comedians, what's a title for a PowerPoint presentation
that might use these stock photos?
-Bridget. -Oh, that looks like life
after your wife takes the kids away.
HARDWICK: All right, points.
Uh, Willam.
Tae Kwon No Thank You.
HARDWICK: All right, points.
Justin.
Dying alone and how to do it.
HARDWICK: All right, points.
So...
The eagle-eyed Tingle detective
will find some clues on his YouTube channel.
So let's take a still from the trailer for his book,
Buttception, of course, that book we love, which...
MARTINDALE: You mean there's more?
There's a lot more, Justin.
There is so much more.
So Buttception features a house with the address 703.
I'm sure you guys remember, 703, so here's where it gets weird.
Listen, listen. This is serious.
MARTINDALE: Here's where it gets weird, okay.
-Here's where it gets weird. -The house, the house.
-HARDWICK: This is the weird part. -I'm listening.
Chuck has trolled men's rights activist Vox Day,
who once appeared on the podcast,
The Tom Woods Show, episode 703, all right?
In his videos, Tingle also wears a bag on his head,
just like the performance art piece by Shia LaBeouf,
who is often lusted after on Twitter by @MaryJane703,
who lives where?
In Alexandria, Virginia, area code 7-0 (bleep)ing 3.
-MARTINDALE: Oh! -There is more.
I know, I know.
Scoop your brains back into your heads,
because you're gonna need them to process this (bleep).
If that doesn't blow your minds,
of the 703 people watching this show, then how about this?
In the 50th edition of the
we found a case that has to do with sodomy on page 703.
The name of that case?
Bowers versus Hardwick.
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God! -Wow!
-I'm in this, too. -(laughter) -Uh-uh. -Uh-uh.
First of all, I was innocent.
Second of all,
the only explanation that I have, uh,
is to be the subject of his next book.
So comedians, what should be the name of
Willam.
Jingled Out by Singled Out, Part Two.
HARDWICK: Yes, points.
-(cheering, applause) -Very good. Bridget.
Uh,
HARDWICK: Yes, points.
(laughter)
(applause, cheering)
(as Elmo): Somebody must've gotten in cold water.
Uh, Justin.
Action Figures I've Sat On, On Purpose.
HARDWICK: All right, points. Points.
Uh, so you can see I'm very passionate about this, so,
-I would like to talk to Chuck, himself. -What?
Chuck...
Chuck, if you're out there,
I admire your prolific nature, uh, and insane creativity.
And I would like nothing more than to be the subject
of one of your erotic yarns that you spin on the Amazon.
In fact, I'm gonna give you a (bleep) cover image
to start the process. Can we set the mood?
-Disco ball, all right? -(whooping)
I need some... I need some dino-hunks.
Can I get some dino-hunks in here, please?
I'd like some dino-hunks.
(cheering and applause)
♪ ♪
Thank you. Yes, very good.
(laughter, cheering)
This is for you, Chuck.
This should get your creative juices flowing.
Put me on your book.
Go write your masterpiece.
Guys, I would like you to tweet Chuck Tingle.
All right, tweet Chuck Tingle,
and tell him Chris Hardwick-- be very specific--
Chris Hardwick deserves to have his butt pounded
by some weird creature, or object.
Make it happen.
We'll be right back with more
(cheering and applause)