- Hey look he's pooping! Look, it's fun!
- Today, I'm competing against Zach Kornfeld in a dog grooming competition.
Well, it looks like she's got a little poop on her face.
Why only Zach? Well, cuz normally Eugene and Ned win,
so we've sort of eliminated them from this video so it could be a real competition.
- Being wet's fine! It's fun!
We all --
- Zach!
It's the Battle of the Losers: Who's the least worst? Least worst?
*upbeat intro music*
- We're here at Vanderpump Dogs in West Hollywood, California,
to pit two cat lovers against each other in a puppy beautification competition.
- We call ourself a rescue center.
Most of them are from high kill shelters.
A lot of the dogs come in really matted and they have fleas and ticks all over them,
so we get them Vanderpuffed and ready to be adopted.
- Vanderpuffed? - Yeah.
- I'm so excited to be here today. I love the Real Housewives.
I especially love Lisa Vanderpump and what she does for these shelter pups. Where is Lisa right now?
- I have no idea. - Is she here? Can she...
- No. *laughing*
- In the beginning we will assess the pet.
After that we take them to the bath, we do ears, nails, brushing, teeth brushing, drying, and
a nice little flare of fashion.
We just want to show that all of these rescue dogs are just as beautiful
as any dog you could pay thousands of dollars for.
- I am a cat person.
I got a puppy pretty recently, but in general I still think most dogs are annoying.
- I grew up with a lot, a lot, a lot of dogs and I never groomed them.
Because I didn't love them. *laughter*
- How our contestants gonna do today? Probably really mediocre cuz it's Zach and Keith,
but they're gonna give it their all on...
The Least Worst!
- Stay out of my way. I ain't here to make friends. I'm here to win.
- I'm gonna turn these wiener dogs into winner dogs.
- We're gonna find out who sucks the least at something they hate the most,
and you the fans will decide who is the least worst.
- I'm gonna turn these K-9s into K-10s.
Hi Mopsy. I'm Zach. How are you?
Mopsy's fun, I will say, the names are fun.
Why am I gonna be better than Keith? Well...
I have a dog now.
So I, I should be -- I should be better. I hope I -- it'd be pathetic if I was worse.
- It's gonna be pretty easy,
I'm gonna beat Zach. Zach kind of sucks with everything.
He's kind of known as the fuck-up of the group.
- He looks like an old banker. Hey, look, he's pooping. I like this dog because he's, uh, transformable.
You know, I feel like there's a real diamond in the ruff!
Wow, oh I like him! I like him because he's sad.
Kelly's being a real bitch right now.
No, you can't just tap me and pretend that you've been innocent this whole time!
I'm warming to the idea of dogs.
I think I'm gonna go with this dude, Phil.
You know, he's a, he's a lot of energy and seems like a challenge and I'm up for it.
Bow-wow bitches.
*playful music*
- Time to pick a dog. Let's go.
I want a dog that perpetually, like rests,
and we just sort of eat bacon on the couch together.
- Bacon's very bad for dogs.
- Well, it's bad for people too.
This looks like a dog that my mother would fall in love with.
What is the name..Lisa?
Wait a minute, what? This one's named Lisa Vanderpump?
So she is here.
I like this one's eyes, he's like got like these totally white eyes. Sweet.
Ow, they're all just biting my hand!
Louise who's five to six. These -- these are six year old ladies!
She was also rescued from Mexico!
I love Mexico. All these little Mexican ladies just running around. I love it.
Oh my gosh, your whiskers have stuff in them.
Louise needs a make-rover now.
*grunge music*
- Gentlemen, the time has come for the competition to begin. Are you ready?
Let's get Vanderpuffed! Go!
- Puff! Puff! Puff!
- Where are you going? You have to go get your dogs!
- Go get your dogs! - Oh, I was just checking out the sink!
- Go! Go! Go! - I was checking out the sink!
- Okay, so first step is to, ahh, ahh, check 'em.
Looks good.
- So we're checking for moles, lacerations, the texture of their coat,
if there's any mats in particular.
I am petting Louise and I am seeing some...
what might just be poop, on her face? We've all been there.
- So when you go to the shelter the dogs are matted, they're full fleas and ticks.
I hate to say it,
but when you look at dogs like that, most people don't want to adopt those dogs.
- You -- am I doing that? No. Uh oh, let's loosen. *dog hacking*
That's not me. That wasn't me.
- There's a little bit of a..scab here?
- We're just checking to see the condition of the ears.
If there's any infection, if it smells weird or different.
- Uh, she said something about smelling the ears?
I have no frame of reference.
- The ears. Can I see your little ears?
Yeah, she's got 'em.
- Phil's a boy.
He's, he's not been circumcised yet. Phil, are you Jewish?
- When my pup is finished, it's gonna give you paws!
- I'm gonna turn these K-9s into K -10s!
- It's warming up!
- Okay, you wanna get warm but not too warm -- oh!
- Zach! Watch your dog!
- Phil, I'm gonna go ahead and apologize.
I was, I was playing to the camera and I wasn't paying attention to you, that's on me.
It's a mistake that will not happen again.
- Clean the butt, clean the little chest, clean the paws!
Can I just spray her on the face?
I know, Keith doesn't know what he's doing.
- Look, it's fine! Being wet's fine. It's fun. We all love it.
- Zach!
Zach, seriously.
Phil had a little death wish!
Uh, maybe I need a hand. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I know, I hated baths as a kid too.
- So on the face, we're gonna be using a tearless shampoo,
and we're just gonna be massaging it around the face.
- Gotta get that poop out of there!
- Use your fingernails.
- In her face?!
- He was so hyper and now he's so sad and quiet,
and I just feel like I've broken the dog.
- We gotta make sure that we're getting it all over the body.
- So, uh, I had to shampoo Bowie's anus a whole lot.
- How do you clean the butt? - With your hands.
- Oh, come on now! - Scrub it!
- Uh, you've got to shampoo the anus a lot.
- No, I'm not fingernail-ing the butt.
Not a chance, I'm happy to lose the contest.
- I know that you do the butt last cuz you don't want the poo particles to spread all over the body.
- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.
- Even though it's very clear to me that he's been laying in poo and I'm doing that exact thing right now.
- I express my own glands many times a day.
- You gotta wash the hiney.
I'm turnin' this K-9 into a K-10.
- When I'm done with today's dog, it's gonna be one hot bitch!
- And we have a doggy toothpaste. It's a peanut butter flavored and in a circular motion.
- Whoo! Oh your breath tastes like a peanut butter dream, baby!
- Is it yummy? Oh, you're still farting.
- Have you ever tried this?
- Using the same one that was in the dog's mouth? - Mmm! Try it!
*laughter*
- Tastes like a thick teriyaki sauce. This is nothing like peanut butter. This is a very mislabelled.
- Okay, and we're done! I'm taking her to the big air machine to dry her.
*loud air machine*
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
- So here we are in the gray bar.
We're going to be using a velocity driver to remove a lot of the excess water that's trapped on the coat.
We also use a leave-in conditioner. So this is a happy hoodie.
What it does is it makes it not as loud and it kind of dries their hair at the same time.
- I'm gonna turn these K-9s into K-10s!
Phil looks like the most adorable little babushka woman.
My landlord, who invites me over for meatballs on Sunday.
It looks like Rosie the Riveter. Okay, last one.
They climbing up your window, they snatching your people up!
Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo kids, hide yo wife!
- Hot dog!
- I'm gonna turn these K --
*horror music* - I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I know.
- Look, it's fun!
- I'm trying, I'm just trying, I'm just doing what I can!
It's very intense! Neither of us like it!
- I'm sorry! - Oh, I'm so sorry!
- I'm sorry!
- We're done. We're done. We're done. We're done. We're done. We're done.
Oh my god. I'm so sorry. Oh my god.
*lullaby music*
It was just s-- it was a lot for us.
Well, she didn't love it. I didn't love it either.
- This is a lot for Phil. He's a puppy!
We're just gonna skip this step. I'm gonna take the L, that's on me, that's on me.
We're just gonna put him in the box.
- We're gonna, we're gonna put her in a little --
What's going on here?
- Now that we've removed all of the excess water, we're gonna be putting her in a cage dryer.
- This looks real crazy, but it's totally normal.
- I actually -- I probably could fit in there with you.
- And now we set it and forget it.
*laughter*
10 to 15 minutes for that Vanderpuff.
Ooh, yeah, girl.
*smooch*
- The contestants today -- - Yeah?
- Will be grooming the dogs, but they won't be cutting their hair.
- Yes, no, so since you guys are not licensed groomers.
Um, we're just gonna have you guys give them baths.
Because you're not -- I don't -- I think that you would make them look, like, crazy, if you did.
*laughter*
- Dry pups, dry pups.
- Hi Keith! - How's my sugar?
- How are you doing?
- Is this the Louise I've heard so much about? - This is.
Can you please get Phil's dirty snout off my sweet sweet angel?
- Whoa!
He's going down.
- Now it's time to brush her out.
Brushing from the base of the neck down to the tail.
- Louise feels a lot softer!
She feels like she's cleaner. She smells a little nicer.
She's also sitting pretty.
You know, that -- that she's exuding confidence.
- When we are wiggling around to show that we're ready to party over here!
- Phil was freaking the fuck out.
- Phillip! Phillip, Phillip! - Hello, Phil! Hello, Phil!
- I know you wanna love me.
- This might be the hardest part for the guys to complete.
Painting nails.
- Nail polish! We're doing PAW-dicures!
- I chose some nice light yellow,
because she reminds me of an old lady who would maybe like bring some flowers to the church on a Sunday,
just to help add to the decor.
So I'm putting on her toes so she can spread the love.
- There's a blue next to me. I'm going with blue. Let's do this.
But you know what Phil? You're gonna you're gonna -- - Whoa!
Whoa! Look at that snot that just came out of Phil!
This is sabotage! Phil has just, has just literally sabotaged my dog!
He may not have come here to make friends and guess what? He didn't.
- And the final step is fashion flare.
- Is my little girl wearing a harness right now?
- Oh my goodness Phil. Look at you in this black leather collar.
You're a bad boy!
For my end look Phil and I decide to go with a grunge rocker aesthetic.
He looks like the lead singer of Yellow Card. He looks like he's ready to join the Black Parade.
Look at this little guy!
How much does he cost? The sum is 41.
He is a punk rock boy.
*angelic music* - And now after all these steps your dog's completely groomed.
- I thought I did a great job. I'd like to think that I won. I think Louise looked hot.
*grunge music + camera flashing*
- I mean, I think it's obvious that Phil is the winner here. It's not between me and Keith,
it's between the pups and the results don't lie.
- Keith, Zach, nice try!
But the audience is gonna decide who the winner is in the comments below.
Are you team Louise? Are you team Phil?
I think we're all winners today because we all learned a valuable thing about adopting
from your local shelters and rescues.
- I thought the Vanderpump's were just hot people.
Turns out they're crazy philanthropic because there -- there are dogs in here from all over the world!
They're able to be glammed up, made sexy, and then find a home.
Is it weird to call dogs sexy?
- Um, you know, it's all relative.
- It's all relative.
*upbeat outro music*
- I won! Keith was the winner.
Keith rules! Keith's the best, Zach sucks, and it was easier to win without Ned or Eugene here.