(inspirational music)
- [Earth] Hello, my name is Earth.
I just found out that you have a day named after me,
very generous considering what I do for you,
but, thought that counts.
In any case, I was recently approached
by PBS Nature and Deep Look to give out some Me Day awards,
took the brand name Nature, did ya?
That's quite some pluck.
Let's get right to it.
The first category is "Best Dressed."
This one was a real slam dunk for the decorator crab.
I should note that the peacocks and the butterflies
were both disqualified,
because they're not actually dressed, they're just pretty.
You'd think that humans would have been in contention
for this category, but I've seen the TV show,
you plop them naked in a forest and they stay naked.
Meanwhile, the decorator crab takes whatever it can get
and it's covered in hooks,
more hooks than your grandfather's tool shed.
They even plant plants onto themselves.
They were a shoe-in.
The next category, "Best Public Relations Strategy,"
has really been owned by the dog for the last few years.
An animal that can convince another species to feed it
and then follow it around with a plastic bag
is very impressive, no doubt.
However, as you can see this year it's the ladybug
that came in first and it's really
because everyone gets excited when they see a ladybug,
me included, I'm excited right now.
Even the green aphid is like,
"O-M-G, look, I found a lady bug."
And ladybugs eat green aphids, they're like rabid carnivores
and that's the definition of good PR.
Just as an aside, the ladybugs are up to something.
I don't know what, but there's a lot of them.
(suspenseful music)
For the "Best Fish out of Water" award,
there were some very on-the-nose entries,
like this eel that migrates across rocks,
which can't be comfortable.
But, the category was really looking
for a creative interpretation of the theme.
The category winner was a swimming sloth
and not just because, let's face it,
we all assumed they would just sink,
but more because they're just so cute
and I think, just generally,
we should encourage sloths doing anything.
In the category "Best Travel Story,"
I'm gonna spare you the suspense, the salmon won it,
but there were some very notable entries.
Bob, from Nebraska, found the bathroom in an IKEA,
which is impressive.
The tumbleweed entered and come on,
it's a freakin' plant that travels, that's amazing,
disqualified though, because it's dead
when it's rolling like that.
But, the salmon, we all know the part
about going upstream and jumping the waterfalls,
but the climax to the story is incredible
and there it is, the male fertilizing the eggs.
You can tell he's waited a while for that.
It's like finally getting to a rest stop bathroom
on a road trip through Nebraska.
And then, they die.
I mean the story's got everything.
So, congratulations to the salmon for "Best Travel Story."
The next category is fairly specific,
it's "Most Traumatic Early Childhood Experience"
and I know what you're thinking,
there's no way it's a duck.
Definitely a controversial winner,
given there's spider babies that eat their mothers,
in fairness, you gotta eat,
not to mention baby sea turtles
that have to dig themselves out of the sand
and then run to the water before a bird kills them.
However, if you have a fear of heights, like I do,
you'll appreciate that the wood ducklings
have to jump out of the tree before they know how to fly
and it's not a small tree either, it's a big one,
a very big tree, like what were the parents thinking, big.
You know how you talk about your flying dreams in therapy?
Well, they have falling dreams, really messes them up,
don't date a wood duck and that's coming from the Earth.
In the category "Best Vertical Rhythmic Movement
of the Posterior for the Purposes of Enticing a Mate,"
well that's a mouthful--,
Oh, I think they mean twerking.
It's a very complicated way of saying that.
The winner is the Jerusalem cricket.
Not only is the twerking of both genders exceptional,
but they make their own beat with their butt.
They're the DJ and the dance floor all in one.
The male and female do
like a little drum circle thing, more like a line.
And then things really pop off, you know what I'm sayin'?
The next category is "Most Likely to Give
Martha Stewart a Run for her Money."
And, this category really focuses on functional crafting,
so birds definitely dominate here.
The red ovenbird takes a whole month
and makes a nest out of homemade adobe,
a mixture of leaves and mud.
And, I know what you're sayin', "I could do that.",
but could you do it only using your mouth?
Think about it.
The runner up was the hummingbird and their nests
are beautiful, very delicate, fairy-like even,
but they use spider silk
as a way of holding it all together.
So, we gets the award the spider, the bird,
we couldn't figure it out
and that's how you lose to the ovenbird.
And there you have it, a number of animals
to celebrate on the day that celebrates me.
If you see them, congratulate them,
but it is really about me, the Earth.
Like if I weren't here, they'd just be floating
around dead in space.
That's a Nature documentary right there,
Deep Look presents, "Dead Animals in Space."