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(upbeat music)
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- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California.
The only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is "Breaking News." (dramatic music)
- Good evening and welcome to "Breaking News"
the show where we don't know what we're about to say,
and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
My name's Dom Thompson, but instead of the letter O,
I use pictures of donuts.
- And I'm Grant Anthony O'Brien,
and that's my actual first, middle, and last name.
- Tonight, we're starting off with a new segment
called True Facts About Grant, that are not jokes,
that are just true actual facts
about this gangly asshole.
- Great!
Good!
I want this to happen.
- Oh yeah! Do you like that, bitch?
- Yes I do.
I really do.
Please give doggy boy his treat.
- Yeah?
Does the sweet little toilet pig want
his yummy yummy crap?
- Yes, mistress.
- Well, he's gonna good and goddamn get it.
Right off the bat, Grant caught syphilis in January
of this year.
Isn't that right, you rat fuck?
- That's true.
It's the disease that killed Al Capone,
and I've had it twice because I
like to Al Ca-Bone.
- Oh no!
Fascinating!
Have you had any other STD's?
- Yes.
All of them, except the big one.
- Wow!
- And herpes!
I haven't had herpes.
- But--
- But so you know, I consider the
big one to be acne.
Now, here to show a naked photo of me,
it's field reporter (bleep).
- Thanks.
Yes, I'm (bleep), which is the actual
name of one of Grant's childhood friends,
except I also spell it with donuts
instead of the letter "O".
Anyhow, before I show the naked photo of Grant,
I just want to make sure I have his permission.
Grant?
- Yes, you have my permission.
I want you to show it.
- Yeah you do, bitch!
- That's me!
- Oop!
- But that's fine.
I'll do the next one which is the same line.
Yeah, you big bitch!
- I'm a big, rectangular bitch,
who likes it when mommy makes him eat trash.
- Okay, well here it is.
- Oh no!
Oh no.
- Thanks (bleep).
Compelling stuff.
- Oh, one more thing real quick, Dom.
I just wanted to say that Grant looks like
if a cartoon undertaker was cosplaying
as Rivers Cuomo.
- Okay, moving on to more of the exact
same thing.
Here's a copy of Grant's head shot
from 2007, which is somehow more
embarrassing than that naked photo
we just saw.
- Oh my God.
- Damn, this is savage.
- I don't feel comfortable.
This is mean.
- That's not the one I used though.
That was one of the proofs.
- What?
No.
- That wasn't the one I used.
That wasn't the one I used.
That was one of the proofs.
- Is that Slenderman?
- Did you get a haircut seconds before showing up
to get this headshot?
- I did!
I thought that's how I'd keep my hair forever,
'cause I liked the way it looked.
- Did you say get me at my worst angles?
- Gang, if you gotta, if you're getting
photos taken, you gotta get the haircut
a couple weeks before, don't.
- That one's for dramatic roles.
We go now to a way too--
- Make my face as angular as you want.
- No.
Oh no.
We go now to a way-too-big acting choice
I made 12 years ago.
Oh no.
No no no.
- [Blurred Man] Don't be gay that's the one I sleep on.
- [Young Grant] Come on.
- [Blurred Man] Okay.
- [Young Grant] You just sort of...
- No no no no no no no no no.
- [Blurred Man] Like that?
- [Young Grant] No, like this.
- No no no no no no no no no.
Oh no!
- [Young Grant] What was that?
- [Blurred Man] Just my cat.
- [Young Grant] Oh, good.
- Holy shit.
Now here with another true story is another
field reporter named after someone from
Grant's past.
- No no no no no! - Hi Dom,
my name's (bleep)
and Grant knows exactly who this,
who that is and exactly what he did.
- Oh no no no
no no. - In place of my O's, I don't
use donuts, I use bagels with frosting.
- Is that a reference to something?
- That's a donut (bleep).
No no no.
- Quiet, pig boy!
Anyhow, in 2013 Grant was living in
Williamsburg at 525 Union Ave Apartment 4C
- I know a guy named Brandon Lee Mulligan
who lived in that same building.
- Wow.
- That's right (laughs)
Brandon Lee Mulligan might have
lived in this apartment building.
- I, well I'm Dom Thompson with
two donuts, but this Brandon - Sure.
did live in this same building.
- Brandon lived in this same apartment building.
- Then maybe you're familiar with this.
He'd recently purchased a large,
dark green suction cup dildo.
Something he bought because he wanted
to become better at (laugher obscures)
One morning he was using it on himself
in a bathroom he shared with three other
people he lived with.
He was was showering and using the dildo
to gradually loosen and open up his sphincter muscles.
- Consider it.
- Once he was finished he took the dildo
and using its added suction cup feature
he stuck it to the wall of the shower.
He then finished showering and went to work.
Leaving the large, dark green dildo stuck
to the wall.
It remained there until one of the roommates
(bleep) went into the shower, saw the dildo
wobbling on the wall, screamed and then
inexplicably continued to live with Grant
for another two years.
Did I miss anything, Grant?
- No.
Just like that (laughs)
Just that now I bottom like a good little sub
and anyone out there wanting to get a better
wanting to get better at taking a large hog
should invest in a similar type of anal training tool.
- This has been the longest shoot of my life.
- I'm sweating so much.
I'm sweating so much.
- I've never heard Grant say no so much.
- Oh God.
Oh no.
Oh no!
- How could you leave it?
- I...
I had just come
- [Dom With Two Donuts] That's fair.
- I was in a state!
I was all, you know!
- I appreciate--
- Was the dildo... Was it, I know this is
crazy, it's, obviously the answer is no.
But I want to ask, was the dildo cleaned
or sanitized in any way?
Or did you just hop out of the shower?
- I sprayed it off!
- Oh.
- Sprayed it off.
- Remembered to spray it off but not to
take it off the wall?
- Did you have a detachable shower head?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Well, no.
I could angle it, I angled it.
- Oh no!
- You gotta soap it.
You gotta soap it, water's not enough.
- Thank God that's it for us here at
Breaking News.
Special thanks to this week's loser in more ways
than one Mr. Grant Anthony O'Brien.
thanks for watching.
I'm never going to recover.
- I'll never shower again
- I...
- I live with regret.
- And it's not the dildo stuff, it's the acting stuff.
The dildo stuff I actually am fine with,
the acting stuff is unforgivable.
- Oh, that was in a sketch comedy group
I was in right out of college.
- I want to be clear, Grant has a lot
to answer for those acting choices.
Also, I know this guy didn't ask for it but
whoever shot that, let's get some more
headroom on Grant O'Brien, shall we?
Cutting off the hair and the chin?
A strong cinemati- cinematographic choice.
- Look it was a different time, we didn't know.
We didn't know about things like that--
- I don't care who you are, get either the hair
or the chin in there.
I know I'm roasting someone who didn't sign up
for this but, Jesus Christ!
- It really, it didn't go well - What's the point?
- It didn't go well.
That sketch comedy group didn't go well.
- Really?
- Huh
Shocking.
- Color me surprised.
- Uh, we have a couple of good sketches.
- Ripping his ass.
- Thanks for watching.
No one could be surprised at this outcome.
- It has got to be over.
I just have to have this episode be over
with very quickly.
Are we done?
Is that that?
Hi.
I still don't know what I'm about to say because
I'm a big stupid idiot.
If you like that video, you can go to hell
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For every episode of Breaking News that's here
there's another episode only available on https://dropout.TV
Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien which is Irish
for Grant of Brien.