In the twelve seconds it takes me to finish this sentence, about fifty-five babies will
be bored around the world.
Probably 55 adults too.
I have that effect on people sometimes…wait.
Oh, that’s born not bored?
Okay that’s different.
Fifty-five babies will be born around the world.
That's three hundred and sixty thousand every day.
Now that’s a bunch of babies.
But what if there weren’t quite so many.
What if, for one year, only a single baby was born?
First, I want to make sure we're all on the same page.
I’m not talking about a slow decline in fertility taking place over several years.
That’s an interesting thought experiment with tons of possible ramifications, but I
have to narrow this down, or we're going to be here all week.
On that note, it’s not necessary to get into the biology of how this would happen.
So let’s just pretend the stork took a year-long holiday and forgot to call a sub.
For starters, people would probably panic, and it would probably start well before the
baby gap began to open.
Remember, no births for a year would be preceded by about nine months with no new pregnancies.
Doctors who specialize in pregnancy are known as obstetricians, or OB-GYNs.
The average doctor in that field sees somewhere between fifty and one hundred patients every
week, so it's a safe bet that they would be the first to notice something's up.
For the first few days after the switch flipped, everything would be business as usual.
Then they’d start to notice a drop in the number of pregnant patients.
Soon, they’d realize none of their colleagues are seeing any new pregnancies either, and
it's only a matter of time until someone raises the alarm.
Now, we all know how the internet works.
The moment the first doctor makes an innocuous Facebook post about not having many new patients;
the conspiracy train would get rolling.
Once “No more babies!” is the headline on every website and news station, it would
start tearing down the rails at Mach 10.
As scientists around the globe struggle to explain what just happened, people would come
up with their own answers.
Many might believe that it’s the beginning of the end of the world.
That might sound farfetched, but mass panic has happened before over less real threats.
Hands up if you’re old enough to remember the Y2K scare of the late nineties.
If people were stockpiling canned goods and toilet paper because of a computer glitch,
imagine how they'd react to all the women on Earth suddenly losing the ability to have
babies.
I'm not saying there would be mass hysteria, just that there would probably be mass hysteria.
And what is one of the first things to go during times of panic?
The economy.
Fortunately, people would start to calm down a bit once couples started getting pregnant
again.
How much they would calm down is going to depend on whether scientists have succeeded
in explaining what went wrong.
Let's try to be optimistic and say the space octopus responsible was apprehended.
This is where we get to the second part of our thought experiment.
Let’s say about ten months into the year without newborns, the world breathes a sigh
of relief as the year’s first and only baby is born, happy and healthy.
And for the fun of it, let's say that this baby is you.
As the only baby of the year, you'd be a celebrity before you were even born.
The whole world would know your name before you could even walk.
That fame would extend to your entire family as well.
Your birthday might even end up as a global holiday.
Now, before you get too excited, remember that fame isn't always perfect.
While being a star might sound glamorous, kids who grow up in the spotlight don't always
adjust well later in life, and you'd be under every spotlight in the universe.
Not to mention all the doctors and scientists wanting to poke at you every day of your life.
Frankly, I don't know if I'd want to be that famous before I'm even a day old.
Would it be glitz and glamour 24/7 365, or is zero a little too young to be immortalized?
Tell me what you think in the comments.
Anyway, what about the long-term effects?
Life isn’t just going to suddenly go back to normal after something like this.
For starters, companies that specialize in things for babies would definitely have a
rough fiscal year.
While I don't think Fisher-Price is destined for bankruptcy, they would absolutely experience
layoffs and downsizing in one form or another.
Parents would still need things for children born shortly before the gap, but sales wouldn't
be nearly what they were at peak baby time, and the lingering effects of the economic
recession wouldn’t be doing anyone any favors.
Interestingly, the makers of baby food might be okay.
While children can start eating solid food after about six to eight months, most won't
be ready to ditch baby food entirely until they're around two.
Things wouldn't be fantastic for the baby food industry, and formula manufacturers are
in for several rough quarters, but most of them will survive.
Where things get complicated is when it comes to education and healthcare.
Maternity wards aren't going to see any use for about a year.
Unlike retail and factory workers, doctors and nurses could likely transition to general
practitioners, and nurses are always in high demand.
The only real danger is that not enough of these professionals would transfer back in
once the maternity wards reopen.
As for teachers, schools would have to deal with the baby gap for much longer than anyone
else.
Every year for twelve years, schools around the world would be missing almost an entire
grade's worth of students.
There would still be a few kids in the mostly empty grades, students who were held back
or skipped a year in elementary school, but not enough to justify keeping hundreds of
additional teachers on staff.
This could lead to teachers being laid off, potentially disrupting the education system
for years to come, but I find that unlikely.
Remember, school systems will have about five years to brace for the tide while colleges
would have nearly two decades to prepare.
Frankly, if people aren’t ready by then, it’s because they weren’t trying.
On the plus side, there’ll be less competition for you in getting into the dream college
of your choice.
Helloooo Stanford!
Ha.
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