ever since I was a very little girl I
always knew I did not
to be a mother I lived happily with this
decision my whole adult life only to
find out literally a couple of years ago
that the whole point of motherhood is
actually to experience unconditional
love that kind of love that requires no
reciprocity and that makes us feel safe
and grounded because we know there is at
least one person in the world who
believes we are the most special human
our mother when we grow up we try to
recreate this unique bond the safety net
this place we can call home
usually with our life partner I may have
chosen not to be a mother but I was
fortunate enough to find this special
place in someone else's heart Martin
came into my life at the time when I was
not looking for love I wasn't ready for
it it was not love at first sight to be
perfectly honest I didn't even find him
that attractive in the beginning but
there was something about him that made
me pay attention he was interesting
mature funny a great listener as a
matter of fact on our first date I broke
my number one rule about dating I talked
about my eggs the whole time obviously I
never thought that I would see him again
but the universe obviously had other
plans we met again a few months later
one thing led to another I was convinced
it was a one-night stand but to my
surprise he persisted he pursued me
calling me every single day
at a time when international goals were
absolutely not free he won me over by
showing me that he was willing to invest
in our relationship and I'm not talking
money here he took the time to make me
feel safe special wanted he made me feel
like I was the only girl in the world
and that's what we all want isn't it we
all want to be the one we believe love
is only real if it's exclusive if it's
all about us it's their peril the
world's most famous relationship expert
says that the premise of modern love is
if you truly love you should not be
attracted to other but is it really how
it works
and is it really the only way to love
biologically speaking if you think about
it it makes sense that we want to be
loved exclusively to feel validated and
secure in ourselves on top of that
everything we see in here from our mom
and dad playing house our fairy tales
our Disney movies pop songs essentially
the entire human society tells us that
happy-ever-after is one person choosing
the other forever even now in 2020 our
wedding vows still say till death do us
part even though we live twice as long
as people did in the Middle Ages
and thankfully divorce is no longer a
cardinal sin Martin and I fell for this
story too after a few months of getting
to know each other
we gradually started excluding other
people from our relationship and
eventually we moved in together I
literally had to move countries to make
this happen but that's what you do for
love right a couple of years later when
we were living in London one day he
comes home and says hey what do you
think about moving to Hong Kong with me
my first reaction is whoa you know I
don't actually like Asian food what am I
gonna eat Italian he says and I'm sold I
[Music]
may have thought twice about this
decision
had I known at the time that this
beautiful city we live in is also known
as the graveyard of relationships many
couples come here full of hope and
expectations just like we did only to
find that the entire foundation of their
love is shaken to the core and some
never make it I also don't need to tell
you how busy life gets around here right
when we get busy we become a lot less
present a lot less caring and authentic
with our loved ones we disconnect Martin
and I did too and we didn't even notice
it the net result of that was a short
affair he had with someone from work
Wow the unimaginable had just happened I
honestly had never imagined this
possibility it hurt I was devastated I
thought about leaving but then I
realized that maybe the reason it hurts
so much was actually because I had made
the assumption that I will always be the
only girl he would want and when that
didn't happen my ego was hurt I now know
that infidelity is a make-it-or-break-it
opportunity for any relationship what
doesn't kill you really makes you
stronger in our case it made it
perfectly clear to both of us that no
matter what we really wanted to be
together that we valued monogamy and
fidelity a lot less then we valued
connection communication honesty and
trust all values I now know are
non-negotiable requirements or pretty
much any relationship we talk things
through
we rebuilt a trust and got close again a
few months later I had a one-night stand
it was very casual it didn't lead to any
relationship but we kept chatting Martin
happened to see one of these chaps put
two and two together but unlike me who
had freaked out and demanded that he and
everything immediately he didn't
actually say anything to me for months
when he finally brought it up he did it
in the nicest sweetest calmest way
possible
demonstrating a perfect example of
self-control love and acceptance I was a
very lucky girl we hit restart and began
rebuilding our relationship
once again consciously and deliberately
a relationship based on open
communication and honesty and then I did
it again twice each time these
experiences taught us that love is
actually not about possession but
understanding and caring and help us dig
deeper into the motivations that were
pushing us to seek excitement outside of
our relationship the second time around
the words open relationship came up I
honestly didn't even know what it meant
but once it paints a picture of what
might be I'm all-in
I mean this is a perfect case of having
your cake and eating it so what's not
tonight that was the day when the first
part of my lesson in unconditional love
started if you love somebody set them
free we set each other free by letting
go of the expectation of physical and
emotional exclusivity and just like that
from one day to the next it was okay to
be attracted to other people and more
importantly it was okay to act on that
attraction in those moments through
Martins acceptance compassion and
forgiveness I learned that it is
entirely possible to love someone very
very deeply even when you know that you
are not the only one and that what truly
matters is the commitment that you make
to each other every single day I am
delighted to share with you today
ladies and gentlemen that being able to
enjoy the attention of others without
guilt or shame without having to hide
your feelings is a truly
transformational experience letting go
of that fear of judgment the fear of
losing that special place in their heart
the fear that maybe after all they will
decide that you are not the one it is an
extremely empowering experience to feel
real love for two people at the same
time and to not be conflicted about it
to know that each of them is in your
life for a very very good reason in each
is teaching is something absolutely
fundamental about yourself it is an even
more empowering experience to see the
same happening for your partner and to
actually be happy about it
it was of course not all always this
easy on the other occasions when we
would fight because we did he would
sometimes ask me so what does this mean
are you breaking up with me the thing is
whatever was going on however angry we
were with each other in those moments
the answer to that question was always I
cannot imagine my life without you
no matter how exciting a new partners
were we were always number one for each
other
we were always each other's home and
then one day everything fell apart our
whole life got turned upside down Martin
had cancer nothing
whatever he was a real inspiration
though he was going to chemotherapy
treatment in the morning and to the gym
in the afternoon he continued to work
throughout always always believing in
recovery for me though nine months into
this process after two absolutely
crashing rounds of chemo when he only
weighed 51 kilos every day I would look
into his eyes
and I would see the light in there going
dimmer
he did recover though for a bit against
all of his weight and energy came back
to normal
believe it or not he even competed in
dragon boat races and slowly normal life
resumed but in all this time in the
background
his disease kept advancing slowly but
surely and not responding very well to
treatment until one day when it became
just too difficult to ignore
and that was when the second part of my
lesson in unconditional love started
watching the love of my life fall in
love with another woman was actually
easy compared to watching him become
less and less of the man he was and more
and more of a helpless child I did have
the motherhood experience in the end on
fast-forward and weirdly in Reverse
being there with him 24/7
I learned that you know nothing about
selfless love until the person in your
care cannot eat walk shower or dress
without you until you wake up every few
minutes just to check that they're still
breathing until some days they don't
remember who they are nor do they
remember you until eventually the
machines that measure their heartbeat
literally flatline
when that happened after five long weeks
in hospital I felt a lot the grief the
sad but the overwhelming emotions in
those moments was gratitude gratitude
for having him in my life and having the
opportunity to learn this invaluable
life lesson and to not see myself as a
victim learning to love more than one
person at the time has truly changed my
life but being there with Martin through
all these hard times laughing through
the tears staying strong and positive
when there was literally no hope has
taught me so much man it's taught me
that love is not at all what we think it
is it's not a Disney movie that's for
sure but it's exactly whatever we each
and every one of us make of it
so make your own love story
you
[Applause]