[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
IYANLA VANZANT (VOICEOVER): Now that Miss Christy knows that it
is not helpful to simply lay her issues at her husband's feet,
she has become resistant to the process
and is threatening to leave.
IYANLA VANZANT: Let me do this, Sean.
Because, see, I'm not going to play this game with you.
Either you came here to heal or you came here to run your game.
CHRISTY: I want to go home. IYANLA VANZANT: Yeah.
Do you--
CHRISTY: I felt like I had been ambushed.
But you don't know this process.
The surgeon has to cut you open, open the flesh,
pull the stuff out, stitch you back up.
And those stitches are going to scratch,
and they're going to itch, and they're going to burn.
Put your big girl panties on.
Either surrender or throw in the towel.
It's up to you.
I don't understand how this is lined up
in your mind, where two days into a healing
process, you know, you--
Miss Iyanla, I gotta tell you I've--
I've really messed up.
You know, my kids have had this, they've been around
that, they've been--
I ain't heard none of that from you.
I have to tell you, Miss Christy, this
is really a little daunting because you've
got eight children.
I've got three of them here.
Of the three that are here, two are immovable.
Amber--
And Christopher.
--and Christopher.
He's self-destructive and he's so angry with you.
But he won't give himself permission to acknowledge that.
Because of course, he can't-- he doesn't have the strength yet
to be angry with his mother.
You're getting ready to lose him.
And I hate to put that out there, but you are.
[SIGH]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
IYANLA VANZANT (VOICEOVER): While Miss Christy
was in and out of her children's lives,
much of the responsibility of parenting
fell on the eldest daughter Mia.
I've decided to have a video chat to get some more insight
about this family's issues.
Mia, this is Dr. Vanzant.
Good morning, Miss Mia.
I'm sorry you couldn't be here.
MIA: Me too.
Yeah.
But I-- I know you the big sister
so I didn't want your voice absent from this process.
Let me ask you a question, Mia.
What does your mom need to work on?
MIA: Control.
She has to control her household.
She can't be a friend to her children.
You can be your child's friend in some senses,
but you have to be a parent first.
Tell me about controlling the household.
Give me some insight.
MIA: My mom's household is completely out of control.
She's not the parent figure.
They come to her when they need things,
or when they want to gossip, or whatever.
But when it comes to setting boundaries and rules,
she can't do that.
She doesn't know how to do that.
She's never had to.
So when that time comes, she pulls herself away.
She lets them do what they want to do.
And she'll lock herself in her room and they'll run wild.
They pretty much get what they want,
so they don't bring it up.
What do you mean, "they get what they want?"
Whenever she lets them do whatever they want to do,
they're fine with it.
But when she tries to say something, or establish
a type of parental control, or grab a reign onto their--
her household, they'll be like-- oh, well, you
didn't raise us anyway, so you can't
really tell us what to do.
Has she lost the right to raise them at this point?
I think the raising is pretty much done.
So they are responding to her now, based on what
wasn't established before.
Yeah.
So--
I want to share something with you because when I talk about--
when I think about your family's story,
this comes to mind for me--
abandonment.
Have you ever looked at your mother and said to her,
I felt abandoned by you.
I have.
IYANLA VANZANT: Yeah.
Have your siblings?
Yeah.
IYANLA VANZANT: OK.
Has she ever acknowledged the abandonment?
To a certain point.
I mean, I don't think that she acknowledges to the degree
that it was.
Like, for her-- oh, I was gone for a couple of years.
For us, it felt like my entire childhood.
Have you ever looked your mother in the eye and say,
I feel betrayed by you?
Yeah. IYANLA VANZANT: OK.
Have your siblings--
We've had these conversations.
We've talked about it.
We've came to the conclusion that in the end of-- at the end
of the day, it's just going to be how
she chooses to make up for it.
And I think that's where the unhealthiness begins.
Because rather than letting them know--
OK, I acknowledge I did this, and I'm going
to make it better-- is--
let me let you do whatever, so I can make up for it.
She's overcompensating.
Ah, guilt. So if I had to summarize this,
because I want--
again, because you're a member of this village--
I want to make sure your voice is here.
So what I hear you saying is the experience
of abandonment by your mom.
Mm-hmm.
IYANLA VANZANT: The experience that your mom
has no control over her household
where your younger siblings are.
MIA: Yes.
Why do you think that is?
I think it's because in her past or--
she's never had to be a parent.
So, I mean, you never know how to do it at first.
So she's learning step by step and I know she's trying.
But it's taking a while, and by the time she gets it,
it's going to be too late.
And what would you like to see cleaned up about that?
Well, raised by my grandmother,
I feel like most adults deserve at least the basic respect.
So I think that would be a start, you know, to listen
to what she has to say, listen to her complaints, and comply,
because she is helping them take care of themselves
and their kids now.
Does she have the right to request that as a mother
or as an elder?
The grandmother--
OK.
Because she has the chil-- their children,
more than she had us.
Well, I want you to know that I'm going to do the best I can
with your family, to interrupt the pattern.
That's my job.
And to give them some skills and tools
that they can use coming back.
Yeah.
[CLAP]