This is a man who doesn't deserve to draw breath.
Heck, you're so sure about it, maybe you
should just kill him for me.
You're asking me to kill this man.
No, that was--
I was joking.
Mr. Nygaard?
Uh, yeah.
That-- that-- that's me ju-- one-- one second.
We-- we-- we-- we-- we're just two fellows talking, right?
We're just blowing off steam.
Sam Hess.
No, just-- just one second.
That is not--
Sir?
Just one word, yes or no.
I need a room.
Just you?
What difference does that make?
It's a different rate for two.
And if you got cats, dog, cat it's an extra 10 bucks.
What if I got a fish?
Excuse me?
Would a fish cost me $10?
Or what if I kept spiders or mice?
What if I had bacteria?
Sir, bacteria are not pets.
Could be.
Sir, perhaps you'd be happier in a different motel.
I just want to know the policy.
You see, I'm a student of institutions.
Uh, sir, you have a pet or not?
No, it's just me.
License and registration, please.
We could do it that way.
You ask me for my papers.
I tell you it's not my car, that I borrowed it,
see where things go from there.
We could do that.
Or you could go get in your car and drive away.
Now, why would I do that?
Because some roads you shouldn't go down,
because maps used to say "there be dragons here,"
now they don't.
But that don't mean the dragons aren't there.
Step out of the car, please, sir.
Let me tell you what's going to happen, Officer Grimly.
I'm going to roll my window up, then I'm going to drive away,
and you're going to go home to your daughter.
And every few years, you're going to look at her face
and know that you're alive because you chose not to go
down a certain road on a certain night,
that you chose to walk into the light
instead of into the darkness.
Sir--
I'm rolling up my window.
You have a package for me?
All righty, what's your name?
Duluth.
Nah, that's a city.
I need your name.
I told you my name.
Well, I'll need to see some ID.
No.
What?
You heard me.
I can't give you your mail if you don't show ID.
Am I going to need to come back there and find it myself?
OK.
This is highly irregular.
No, highly irregular is the time I found
a human foot in a toaster oven.
This is just odd.
Look here, nutsack, here's the drill.
You're gonna pack up your shit and blow.
I'm the guy, you understand-- me?
20 years, I worked for the king.
You know what that makes me?
The goddamn prime minister.
So give me the letter, pack up your shit, and--
what the hell you doing?
[SPLASH]
That's disgusting.
[GRUNTS]
I've got two questions and one comment.
Understand?
First question, why $43,613?
Gonna start a Turkish bath.
Second question, what do you know?
Uh, about what?
Stavros, the guy you're blackmailing.
You wrote a note, "I know about the money."
What do you know?
Uh, nothing, really.
I mean, Helena told the story so much about her husband
and how he lies about his money.
So you're blackmailing a guy for something
but you don't know what it is.
You ready for the comment?
You're an idiot.
Good news, I'm taking over.
I'm confused.
That's OK, I'm not.
What will it be, Stretch?
Need some Adderall.
You got a test, is that it?
Big final.
Need to pull an all-nighter.
Exactly, high dosage too.
Just pretend I'm a 300-pound nine-year-old
who can't finish a sentence.
Here we go.
30 milligrams.
Don't take two of these, think you're gonna nap.
It's basically speed.
So why don't we say--
That'll work.
How about a zombie kit?
What's that now?
Zombie kit-- shotgun, machete, some Bactine.
It's a side business.
I make up these knapsacks for the zombie apocalypse,
you know, in case the undead come back to life
and the world gets all dog-eat-dog.
It's already dog-eat-dog, friend.
Not sure what worse a bunch of zombies could do.
Lorne Malvo.
Did you know the human eye can see more shades of green
than any other color?
What?
I said, did you know that the human eye can see more shades
of green than any other color?
My question for you is, why?
Just hold on.
When you figure out the answer to my question,
then you'll have the answer to yours.
Saint Laurence, your window.
Romans burned him alive.
They did?
You know why?
Because he was Christian.
Maybe, but I think it was because the Romans
were raised by wolves.
Greatest empire in human history founded by wolves.
You know what wolves do, they hunt and kill.
It's why I never bought into the Jungle Book.
Boy's raised by wolves, he becomes friends
with a bear and a panther.
I don't think so.
I don't, uh--
I don't--
Well, I'm saying that, the Romans, raised by wolves,
they see a guy turning water into wine, what do they do?
They eat him because there are no saints
in the animal kingdom, only breakfast and dinner.
Lester, is this what you want?
Yes or no?
Yes.
[WOMAN GASPS]
[GUNSHOTS]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPING]
Oh, my god.
[GUNSHOT]
[PANTING]
That's on you.
I worked this guy for six months, Lester, six months.
Can you imagine the number of sewer mouths
I put my hands in, the gallons of human spit.
So that's the $100,000 bounty down the toilet,
but, uh, still, the look on his face
when I pulled the gun, classic, huh?