- I never make the first move,
unless it's to the grocery store when ice cream is on sale.
People have told me I have resting sad face.
Well, of course.
It's because you're talking to me.
I've been hanging out a lot recently
with this guy named Joe...
Trader Joe.
It's a lot of great frozen meals for one there.
Just because I'm an introvert
doesn't mean that I'm socially awkward.
I mean, I am socially awkward,
but it's not just because I'm an introvert.
Come on.
It took years of work to get to this level.
Working from home as an introvert's dream.
Even if I'm only making 70% of what a man earns,
I'm only doing about 20% of my job anyway,
and that's on a good day.
I wish my inner monologue was like me,
an introvert who didn't say much.
Unfortunately, she's an extrovert who doesn't stop talking,
and I can't get away from her.
And she's kind of mean.
Oh my gosh, my friend, Tiffany, texted me.
"Thinking of you."
Oh, that's so sweet.
I'll have to text her back in a couple of months,
if I remember.
Because I'm quiet, guys think I'm mysterious,
which I think intimidates them.
Which has gotta be why I'm still single.
Oh my gosh, I forgot.
I gotta cancel on this girl's night out.
I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago.
Sorry, loves, I've been crapping my brains out all day.
You gotta say you're sick.
They can't get mad at you if you say you're sick.
I made those plans a month ago when I was in a good mood.
Big mistake.
I just noticed that all of my favorite memes on Instagram
are about being chronically single, lazy,
antisocial, and basically an alcoholic.
(inhaling sharply)
(jazz music)