(traffic humming)
It's a very cold November day
and over here is my friend, Richard.
Do you wanna be in my video? (chuckles)
Well, I think I probably already am.
(Geoff laughs)
(upbeat music)
So shift a little.
This is just my tiny camera.
Have you got a hat?
I don't have a hat.
Do you think it's hat weather?
I thought it probably was hat weather,
you were wearing a hat the other day when it wasn't.
Can I borrow your hat?
No, it's my hat.
How long do you think
we're going to be standing on the platforms
of Longcross waiting for a train?
Long enough to need a hat?
Well, I would have thought so.
It's coming up to 12 o'clock now.
Yes.
And, the train is at one something.
So we got vaguely about an hour
to go and find how we access Longcross Station.
Yeah.
Do you just want to say something,
just to get like a funky mirror shot?
Respect the mirror.
(Geoff laughing)
Hang on, you've got two mirrors.
What? Hang on.
One mirror, two mirrors.
We are gonna to get there about an hour early,
with an hour to kill,
'cause the train's at 13 something
and it's 12 something now.
I'm just pondering to Richard, should we get a cup of tea?,
And Richard tells me,
that he's brought a cup of tea with him.
Did you bring a flask?
Oh yes.
Where's your flask?
In my bag.
You've got a flask of tea in your bag?
Yep
Did you bring a spare cup?
Yep.
You brought us, what, really?
Yeah.
So I can have some tea?
Yeah
So hang on, the high point of this video,
might be us sitting on the deserted platforms at Longcross,
drinking out through a flask of tea?
Correct
Amazing, and we're going over the M25.
And there is a railway station around here somewhere?
Oh yeah, It's opposite.
There is a gulley down here.
Yeah
After the fence.
After the little fence there on the right,
is it, yeah?
I mean, I've seen people take cars there as well.
So we're going to park here,
and go for a walk. (chuckles)
(car wheels rolling on gravel)
(traffic engines humming)
The other thing that's occurring to me,
is that there is definitely no ticket office
at the station.
So does that mean we are gonna have to buy permit to travel,
from one of those permice machines?
Will there be a permice machine?
A permice machine?
You mean permice or purchase?
What did I say, permice?
I think it's purchase.
I meant purchase.
What did I say?
Permice.
Let's do that again.
I'll edit it in seamlessly.
Do you think there'll be a purchase machine?
There's not gonna be other means
of buying a ticket is there?
There is zero signage.
I'm so glad that there is so much signage.
There's nothing here.
Look this way as well,
there is just nothing at all.
I think I can see the station approaching,
but still, still no signs.
Just this very narrow path alongside a fence.
Is the station approaching
or are we approaching the station?
Are you gonna pick fault with everything I say?
Hopefully.
Suddenly, so over there,
is where they are building housing estate,
suddenly, through the trees and bushes,
behind me ooh.
You are missing a secret of the railways, yeah.
What is that?
There is a steam engine on a low loader.
What, there's a steam train?
There's a steam train there, look, look, look.
That's just driven past
where we just were, presumably.
So they are using it for filming purposes?
Would that have just gone past,
where we've just parked the car?
Quite possibly.
Damn it!
But anyway, suddenly, suddenly,
through the bushes and trees over here, look at that.
Sign for Longcross.
We found ourselves a station, in the middle of nowhere.
(footsteps crunching)
There is literally nothing to tell you here,
but there's a station just here, tucked away.
There has been nothing, nothing.
Here's the first sign, Longcross station information.
Buying a ticket.
There are no ticket issuing facilities at this station.
No shit.
You should obtain a permit to travel
from permit travel machine.
This should be exchanged for a travel ticket
within two hours.
Two hours.
To buy tickets in advance,
if I call that number now, can I buy a ticket at advance?
How are they going to get it to me?
So the station is here.
The path also goes off down here,
but there is a sign just there saying private property,
no public right-away.
And behind us is a gate,
which I think is into the film studios,
where there is a turnstile.
Look, turnstile.
It's all a bit, yeah.
Oh, there's a key pad, and a locked gate,
and a threatening sign saying no photography.
Doesn't say anything about videography,
So we are absolutely fine.
And there is,
a little poster up, saying train times.
Do you wanna go and see how infrequent the trains are?
I think you do.
So going to Waterloo, I make that one, two, three, four,
there's three trains in the morning to Waterloo.
One at lunchtime,
and seven in the evening.
Going to Reading, which is the end of the line.
This is six in the morning,
one at lunchtime,
and two in the evening.
And you see there, that 1335,
that's the one we are going to get.
I love how,
it's actually going to be one minute late, look.
1335, it's gonna come at 1336.
Was that, you think there is a train from Ascot?
Are you doing that thing,
where you walk around the video camera. (laughing)
(vehicle beeping)
(footsteps walking)
I was just gonna say it's very quiet,
but there are some people playing golf over there.
I can see people.
I miss these old benches.
These things used to be everywhere in the network.
Network Southeast edge, do you remember?
There was red benches everywhere.
Do you remember the old machines they used to be red?
This is a slender long grey one,
the older ones used to be squatter and redder.
(coin jangling in machine)
We have a permit to travel, station of issue,
Longcross, seventh November 16, 12:52 paid 50 pee.
It is, cup of tea time.
(water pouring)
I can smell like, Dunkin doughnuts.
Do you have sugar doughnuts in your bag?
So I was going to say,
no one else has turned up to get the 1313,
which by the way is running two minutes late.
And then excitingly, another passenger has turned up.
So a woman has turned up, she's crossed over,
to head towards Waterloo
and she's walked right to the front.
So she knows she's getting on the front of the train,
probably to go to Waterloo.
Do you think the driver will toot his horn,
if we do the universal symbol for horn tooting?
Probably not.
(train engine running)
(signals sounding)
It's now, three minutes late.
I understand South West trains
been having some problems this morning.
When don't they?
Richard's talking to the nice gentleman.
The train is now four minutes late.
Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes.
Is that the train coming?
Yes, indeed.
It's a train.
(train humming)
Just a train.
(train humming)
Let's go in the quiet zone.
Let's go in the video camera zone.
(signal sounding)
This train is for Reading,
the next station is Sunningdale.
(train door beeping)
(train door closing)
So three got on, how many got off?
Two.
Two people got off?
There they are.
And they went left into the film studios.
Richard just ended that long first adventure.
It was very long.
And very cross.
Are you long and cross, that's rubbish.
Are we gonna end the video on a rubbish pun like that?
No.
Okay, thanks for the tea.
My pleasure.
(upbeat music)