You are doomed, Doctor. Doomed! You are piloting your TARDIS into a deadly trap, and even you
will not suspect until it's far too late.
You know if you're going to spy on me, you really should turn the speaker off.
What? Ho- my dear Doctor, after our many centuries of conflict, naturally I wished you to know
that your certain death ... is now ... certain! But even you will never suspect
that your destruction awaits you on planet Zaston 4.
You only turned the picture off, I'm afraid. I can still hear you.
I know that ... of course I know that ... curse you!
And I wanted to talk to you anyway, I have some news that even my arch enemy needs to
hear. Meet me on the planet Tursurus in two hours, relative time. And do try not to be
late. Mock me while you may, Doctor. My revenge
will be all the sweeter. And it will be a deadly vengeance! It will be the deadly vengeance
of deadly ... revenge!
Where are we, Doctor?
The planet Tursurus. Once home to the Tursurogs, the most kindly and peace-loving race I've
ever encountered, and yet the most shunned and abhorred species in all history.
Why?
They could communicate only be precisely-modulated gastric emission.
Oh no! Planet of the bottom-burpers! So what happened to them?
They discovered fire.
Oh!
No doubt because no-one has set foot on this planet for a hundred years,
you thought you had escaped my traps of death -- but you forget, Doctor. I too have a TARDIS.
When you told me to meet you at Castle Tursurus, I simply travelled back in time a hundred
years -- and I bribed the architect! Say hello to the Spikes of Doom.
Say hello to the Sofa of Reasonable Comfort! Naturally I anticipated your journey back
in time, and so I travelled slightly further back - and bribed the architect first.
Or so you think! Naturally I anticipated your travelling back in time, so I travelled back
in time to an even further point -- and I bribed the architect first!
Well naturally I anticipated your journey back to an even further point-
-Doctor will you stop showing off, you've got something to tell the Master, just tell
him! Very well. I recently calculated that I have
saved every planet in the known universe a minimum of twenty-seven times. But you know,
I have grown weary of all the evil in the cosmos. All the cruelty, all the suffering.
All those endless gravel quarries. And so I have decided to retire, settle down - and
get married. What?!
Yes. Without even knowing I was looking, I have found a woman to love. A woman more fascinating
than all my travels through time and space. A girl more exciting than an escape up a ventilation
shaft. A lover more thrilling than an army of cybernetic slugs.
Ugh -- sadly doctor I cannot wish you a long and happy marriage. Because the moment I'm
done with this nauseating conversation, I shall travel back in time once more -- and
buy the architect an expensive dinner, and suggest he puts a lever just here -- and a
trap door leading to the vast and disgusting sewers of Tursurus -- exactly there! Prepare
for five hundred miles of fear and faeces! Goodbye forever, Mr and Mrs Doctor!
Since you appear to have fallen down the sewer, you won't be able to have dinner with the
architect -- although in fact, he's already eaten, because I had dinner with him and suggested
he place the trap door right here. Come along, my dear.
Not so fast!
How can he be here? He just fell in the sewers! And why is he so much older?
Because it's taken me three hundred and twelve years to climb out of those sewers!
And then naturally you found your TARDIS and travelled back in time to the present day
-- no doubt to wreak one of your terrible revenge things.
Yes -- but this time I did not come alone! After three centuries of climbing
through those sewers, only the Daleks would accompany me -- because only the Daleks don't
have noses. SO DOCTOR, WE MEET AGAIN
Yes, how are things?
Observe, Doctor! I am no longer merely a Time Lord! My body has been augmented -- by superior
Dalek technology! So what can you do with that, then?
What?
You don't know, do you?
EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE- Stop, no! After three hundred and twelve years
of climbing through the biggest and most disgusting sewers in the cosmos ... after three centuries
of wading through those vast, steamy lakes -- climbing those huge, squelchy mountains
... after a lifetime of only dung-slugs for food and the occasional company on those long,
lonely nights ... after all that, I'm going to kill the Doctor myself! With my own, bare
hands! Die, Doctor! Die! Don't worry. I believe he knows the way out.
Six hundred and twenty-four years ... in a sodding sewer!
This way! This way!
EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE
After them, you fools! Get them! Nine hundred and thirty-six years ... in a sewer. Wait
for me, wait for me. These corridors all look the same!
We should be safe in here.
EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE So, given that exterminating you would be
the most sensible thing to do, why do they always change their minds at the last moment?
I'll explain later. Behold! Once again I have been augmented by
superior Dalek technology, rejuvenating my physical form and granting me even more power
over the cosmos. And, I notice -- breasts.
They're not breasts, okay! They're Dalek bumps. They can detect ion-charged emissions, and
operate as etheric beam locators, at a distance of up to twenty thousand light-years!
They're also extremely firm. What are you trying to say?
Oh ... nothing.
Why are the Daleks helping you? What are you giving them in return?
I have granted them secrets of the Zectronic energy beam.
Oh no, you fool -- with a Zectronic energy beam the Daleks will be able to conquer the
entire universe within minutes. With just a beam? How?!
I'll explain later. PREPARE TO OPERATE THE ZECTRONIC BEAM IN FIVE
DALEK MINUTES I obey.
You may conquer the universe but you'll have to share it with the beard and the bosoms
over there. THE MASTER WILL BE EXTERMINATED WHEN HE HAS
SERVED HIS PURPOSE Psst! If the master knew that
the Daleks intend to kill him, he might help us.
But how are you going to tell him without the Daleks hearing? They'll exterminate you
on the spot if you say anything! I think we've really had it this time!
Don't cancel our wedding yet my darling, there's just one thing you've forgotten.
What?
Daleks don't have noses!
Scraping the barrel a bit there aren't you? Think, my dear! Back on Tursurus the Master
and I both bribed the castle architect -- not only do I speak perfect Tursurun, but so does
he! You mean?
Yes -- I can communicate the master with carefully controlled breaking of wind.
Could I be tied to a different chair? SILENCE
Why do you have chairs on a Dalek spaceship anyway?
WE WILL EXPLAIN LATER. Danger?
[Fart noise] [Sniffing]
You are facing certain doom? Certain doom?!
The Daleks are planning to exterminate you as soon as you twiddy heepy jeep weep-
Sorry, that was me. CEASE THIS COMMUNICATOR - YOU HAVE BETRAYED
THE DALEKS. EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE
You fools! This Zectronic beam controller will now not only explode, it will implode!
We're doomed! PREPARE THE ZECTRONIC BEAM
It is beyond my abilities. Only the Doctor can do it!
Help him! He's dying! Yes, my darling? He, uh -- he says I love you
Oh, Doctor! You've killed him! I think not, my child. This is only his ninth
body. He has many, many more. Behold! The miracle of the Time Lord!
Oh, sorry about that -- I thought I'd just slip into something more comfortable. Result
-- cute, sexy, and lick-the-mirror handsome. I remember you, don't I?
Then you still fear me, Doctor?
You're the camp one. I'm not camp!
Oh yeah? Nice tits! Bumps.
I remember you lot, of course. And er -- you're my ... fiancé?
You remember me then!
How could I possibly forget the only time-travelling companion I ever had?
You've had lots of companions. The only time-travelling companion I ever
... had. Oh, right.
It's still me in here, Emma. These old hearts are still yours. Do you still love me in my
new body? Actually I don't think I'll have too much
of a problem with that -- back to the TARDIS! ELECTRONIC BEAM CONTROLLER IS GOING TO EXPLODE
HELP US DOCTOR, AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE SPARED What better way to end my career
than saving you metal gits. Pop into the TARDIS, get a bottle of good champagne, when you come
out we'll start celebrating the beginning of our new life together.
Great! I think in my new body I'm going to be particularly
good at rewiring
Oh, bugger! Doctor?!
Ah! You're my fiancé, aren't you. Oh dear ... seem to be a bit shy of girls now. One
of the problems of changing personas, they're so unpredictable!
Doctor, look at me! In a minute -- oh dear, another girl!
I'm not a girl, Doctor, I've told you before -- these are Dalek bumps. They can locate
etheric beam emissions, and ... everything ...
So, er -- you don't want to try again, do you?
Yes, probably not a bad idea, actually -- shouldn't be too much of a problem -- actually I think
the problem's probably located in this area.
Result!
Oh dear, now look at that, I've gone and used up three whole bodies in just under a minute
and all because I forgot to unplug first, that really was terribly silly of me. Sorry
about that, my dear. Bit unfortunate. Oh, Doctor!
Oh, Assistant
Doctor!
Residual energy -- I'm a stupid ass, should have realised
IF THE DOCTOR WILL SAVE THE DALEKS HIS LIFE WILL BE SPARED
No! His life is already lost -- that was a discharge of pure Zectronic energy. Even a
Time Lord cannot survive its terrible power. But he can just change again, can't you Doctor!
I'm afraid not, my dear. Zectronic energy -- too powerful. It has destroyed my ability
to regenerate. I'm afraid this is ... the end. Look after the universe for me. I've
put a lot of work into it. But how can we look after it, without you?
I'll ... explain ... Doctor! Listen to me! You can't die, you're
too ... you're too nice! Too brave! Too kind! And far, far too silly ... you're like Father
Christmas! The wizard of Oz! Scooby-Doo! And I love you very much. And we all need you.
And you simply cannot die! He was the best and bravest of all my foes.
From this day forward I will renounce evil, and follow the path of goodness to honour
my fallen foe. THE DOCTOR SAVED THE DALEKS. THE DALEKS TOO
WILL HONOUR THEIR MORTAL ENEMY He was never cruel, and never cowardly. And
it'll never be safe to be scared again. It's impossible! Beyond all known laws
of the universe! Maybe even the universe can't bear to be without
the Doctor. Emma, look! I've got etheric beam locators!
No, Doctor. I'm afraid those are actual breasts. Are you sure? I think I can see the on switch!
No Doctor, we have to face facts -- you've come back to life and this time, you're a
woman. Really?! I've always wanted to get my hands
on one of these! Unfortunately I haven't.
Your mother's going to get a bit of a surprise at the wedding, isn't she! Do you think we'll
both wear white? I'm afraid, Doctor -- and I'm not sure this
sentence has ever been used so completely accurately before, but -- you're just not
the man I fell in love with. Well, never mind. We can still rattle around
the universe, fighting monsters and saving planets, what could be more fun? My best friend
by my side, my trusty TARDIS -- and of course, my sonic screwdriver. Oh look, it's
got three settings! Doctor, stop that!
Doctor I have to say, you are rather ... gorgeous! I'm not bad, am I? And come to think of it,
you're a great deal more attractive than I remember.
Why, thank you. Tell me, why do they call you the Master?
... I'll explain later.