Transcriber: Lujain Shujaa Reviewer: Emma Gon
Four years ago, a cup of mocha changed my life.
Let me take you back to when I was just 17 years old.
I had just won a trophy at a major bikini fitness competition,
one of the largest in the country.
This was me.
I prepared for this competition for six months;
I worked out every single day;
I dieted hardcore;
and I thought that revolving my life around fitness
would help fix my poor-body image struggles,
but it only made things worse.
While everybody was telling me how great I looked,
how fit I was,
how dedicated I was,
my mental health was just falling apart,
and I was obsessed with anything that went in my mouth
that was not on my diet,
even if it was just a handful of almonds.
What nobody knew
was that behind this perfect bikini body
was a broken girl
that was completely obsessed with her weight.
Have you ever been in this position?
Have you ever been obsessed with your weight
or how your body looks in general?
Unfortunately, too many of us struggle with not liking how we look.
Some of us go to extremes, like I did,
and some of us want to change a few things:
a little tighter here, a little smoother there,
a lot thinner everywhere,
but not too thin of course because curves,
curves are in, ladies and gentlemen,
but only here and here, but nowhere in between.
(Laughter)
So, flash forward to a few months after this bikini competition,
I get a mid afternoon text from my mom:
"Want to meet for coffee at 12?" she asks.
"Sure, I'll be there soon", I replied.
And as I'm driving to go meet her,
I get another text from her;
it says: "Sitting outside. I got you a mocha."
A mocha? A mocha! How could she?
The calories, the sugars, the dairy!
Didn't she know that I was on a diet?!
I'm driving, I'm so angry, and as I pull up to the café,
my mom, who's sitting outside, she sees my crying,
runs over to my car door, tries to open it,
but I wouldn't let her in.
"No mom, I just can't believe you'd get me a freaking mocha,"
I screamed as I closed the door and drove away,
feeling instantly ashamed at how I just lashed out on her.
As I'm driving,
I'm having one of those ugly cry moments,
you know, it's like what Oprah refers to,
when you're crying so hard you can't breath,
you got snot coming out of your nose.
It's not pretty like the movies! It's really ugly.
That was me in that moment.
And at this rock bottom, I get another text from my mom.
It says this - that's the real text -
[I just want you to know that I love you very much..
I am here for you anytime you need me]
As I read the words on the screen, I paused.
I finally stopped crying.
I took a deep breath,
so relieved that she had already forgiven me.
And I let myself feel her love,
because my mom loved me when I couldn't love myself.
In this moment, I also realized that my body image struggles
robbed me of so many of life's beautiful experiences.
I mean, what should've been a lovely coffee date
with one of my favorite people
turned in to an absolute disaster
because of my fears about food.
My body image took away from so much of me,
and I missed out on so much of my life
because I was too busy hating myself.
Have you ever felt like you missed out on your life?
Maybe you didn't go to the pool party
because you don't want to get in a swimsuit.
Or if you did go, you didn't take your clothes off to go in the water,
because you don't want people to see you.
Or you spent the party obsessing over the calories in the cookie
instead of spending it connecting with your friends and loved ones.
I've been there one too many times.
I mean, I missed out on the little things,
like baking cookies with my little sister -
she's in the audience right now.
And I missed out on the big things, like my graduation parties,
where I was too scared of the calories in the cookies, so I didn't go.
And also my grandfather's 70th birthday party,
where my grandma had cooked all of this delicious food,
and I refused to have a single bite because I was on a diet.
And we usually use this term "body image" quite a bit, but what does it mean?
We usually use "body image" to describe how we feel about ourselves,
particularly our bodies,
and because of rising concerns and negative body image struggles,
a lot of people have tried to help girls and women especially
feel more positively about their body image.
This idea of body positivity has become really popular lately.
"Let's all feel really good about our bodies and how we look" -
which is great;
it's definitely a step forward -
but what if all this hyper-focus on our body's image,
whether it's positive or negative,
is actually what's causing all the insecurities, discomforts
and lack of confidence in our bodies in the first place?
I mean, we already live in such an image driven society.
Somebody even called our generation "The selfie culture."
So, not only do we see our own image reflected back to us in the mirror
when we are getting ready in the morning,
but we also see our image in a selfie -
if you happen to be into that -
but if not, you also see everybody else's selfie,
and usually it's their perfect, picture-perfect selfie,
on social media every single day.
I mean, It's no wonder that 96% of women
report feeling unhappy with their bodies or wanting to change something.
96%!
96% of us struggle with body image.
But our bodies, our bodies are not an image.
They're an experience, and they're a beautiful experience.
So we cannot keep letting our body image ruin our life experience.
That afternoon, after getting that loving text from my mom,
I realized the true cause of my obsession with my body image:
missing out on my life.
And I also made a decision to change my life.
I made a decision to not only heal my own body image struggles
by actually not focusing on my image and instead just living my life,
and I also made a commitment
to help any women who's ever hated herself shift her focus and change her life.
Actually, I have an exercise for you
that is a simple three-step process
that's scientifically proven to help you do just that:
shift your focus and get out of those negative thought patterns
anytime you're feeling not good about yourself.
So the first step.
First, you're going to pause -
just like I did when I got this text -
pause and face what you're feeling.
I mean, it's so easy to deflect and push away
and try to avoid the situation.
How many of us stay busy just to avoid what we're feeling?
So guilty.
(Laughter)
But the difficult thing to do is to pause.
Next, breathe -
and this part is really important -
as you breathe,
focus you energy and attention to the area around your heart.
This is going to help shift your focus from your mind,
from those negative thought patterns,
to your heart,
towards unconditional love for yourself.
So as you breathe, just picture sending all that energy to your heart space.
And lastly, let yourself feel the love.
And notice how I said "let yourself"
because a lot of us, we say, "Just love yourself!"
But that's a lot easier said than done.
You first have to give yourself permission to feel your own love.
And give yourself some compassion.
Think of at least one thing
that you can appreciate or you love about your body or yourself in general.
Talk to yourself as if you're your own mom or best friend.
Pause, breathe, and let yourself feel the love.
Actually, let's all do this together.
Not to put you on the spot or anything,
but wherever you're at, just straighten up a little bit.
(Inhales deeply)
And now pause right here with me.
Take this moment for yourself.
Now, take a deep breath
(Inhales deeply)
and as you breathe,
(Exhales)
picture sending all that loving energy to this area around your heart.
And now let yourself feel the love,
and think of one thing that you can appreciate about yourself right now.
How did that feel?
So the next time you don't feel so good about yourself -
maybe you don't like how you look that day,
or your hair is not cooperating with you,
or you're just struggling with self-worth in general -
remember to pause, breathe and let yourself feel the love.
Because in doing so,
you will turn those lowest moments into your greatest strength.
In fact, I was actually preparing for this exact talk,
at that same café,
while happily sipping my mocha.
(Applause)