[goat bleats]
- THAT'S GOOD, GARY.
START IT OUT, BROTHER.
GOT TO GET YOU FIT, MATE.
THAT'S GOOD, GARY.
NOT IN FRONT OF THE CAR.
I DON'T WANT TO RUN YOU OVER.
THAT'S GOOD, GARY!
[laughter]
- I'LL HAVE THE SAME THING!
- [laughs] - OH!
HE'S HORNY.
WE'RE GONNA CHECK ROEY OVER HERE
WHO'S PUTTING A BUCK 35 OF COINS
UP HIS FORESKIN.
HE'S GONNA SPIT IT OUT, OKAY?
GARY'S HAVING A LOOK AT HIM.
- DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
- [laughs] WOW!
- HOW MUCH WAS THAT?
- $1.35. - $1.35.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO $1.40?
- HEY, GIRLS, DO YOU WANT TO STICK A BUCK 40
UP YOUR [bleep] TO BEAT HIM?
[laughter]
GARY, WHERE ARE YOU, MATE?
MATE--
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
- YOU CAN HAVE YOUR HUGH JACKMANS
AND YOUR CROCODILE DUNDEES, BUT FOR MY MONEY,
THERE'S NO BIGGER CELEBRITY IN AUSTRALIA
THAN GARY THE GOAT.
GARY...
AND HIS OWNER JIMBO
HAVE MADE HUNDREDS OF VIDEOS,
BUT THEY'VE NEVER DONE AN INTERVIEW,
AND I'VE NEVER TALKED TO A GOAT BEFORE,
SO PLEASE WELCOME THE GREATEST GOAT OF ALL TIME,
GARY!
- GOOD DAY FROM AUSTRALIA.
- WHERE DID YOU AND GARY MEET?
- I DO COMEDY SHOWS IN PUBS,
AND AFTER A GIG, A GUY OFFERED ME A GOAT
FOR A CASE OF BEER.
- I GOT TO START PERFORMING IN AUSTRALIA.
MY FANS HERE JUST GIVE ME DRUGS AND PUSSY AFTER SHOWS.
CAN GARY DO ANY TRICKS?
- NO, HE DOESN'T PLAY GUITAR
OR SING OR JUGGLE OR ANYTHING.
HE JUST GOES INTO THE PUBS.
HE WALKS AROUND, STEALS PEOPLE'S CHIPS,
DOES A [bleep], AND FALLS ASLEEP.
- YOU AND GARY MIGHT BE ALCOHOLICS.
- GARY DOESN'T DRINK, WHICH I'M REALLY HAPPY,
BECAUSE EVERY NIGHT PEOPLE ARE OFFERING HIM BEER,
AND IF THAT-- IF GARY DRANK,
I'D HAVE A DRUNK GOAT EVERY NIGHT,
AND THAT'S NOT GOOD
'CAUSE HE SOMETIMES HAS GOT TO DRIVE HOME.
- DOES GARY LET YOU RIDE HIM HOME?
- NO, BUT I'VE GOT A GOAT BUGGY ON THE BACK.
I'VE GOT A--LIKE, A HARNESS FOR A HORSE,
WHERE I'VE SAT IN THE BACK,
AND, YEAH, BUT WE COULDN'T STEER,
SO WE JUST RAN INTO A TRUCK.
- HEY, ARE THERE ANY LITTLE GARYS IN THE FUTURE?
- NO, NO, HE'S GOT NO BALLS,
WHICH MEANS GARY'S THE END OF THE LINE.
THAT'S WHY HE'S GOING HARD.
- WELL, WE APPRECIATE HIM GOING HARD.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE, GARY.
- BYE-BYE.
- WE'VE GOT A GARY IN OUR OFFICE,
AND HE IS THE LIFE OF THE PARTY TOO.
GARY.
- WHAT THEY COULD DO ON A WINTER DAY
IS PUT THE TREADMILL OUTSIDE
AND TAKE SWEET POTATOES THAT HAVE JUST BEEN BAKED...
- OH, OKAY.
- AND PUT 'EM IN THE CROTCH OF YOUR PANTS.
- GARY!
- AND AS YOU'RE WALKING--
AS YOU'RE WALKING ON THE TREADMILL,
THE SWEET POTATOES GET MUSHY,
AND THEY'RE STILL WARM,
AND THEY START RUNNING DOWN THE INSIDE OF YOUR LEGS,
AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE IN ANOTHER PART OF THE COUNTRY,
AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE OR HOW YOU GOT THERE,
BUT IT FEELS GOOD.
YOU HAVE A DIMENSIONAL OUTTAKE
OF WHAT YOUR REALISTICS ARE.
YOU LIVE IN AN INVISIBLE PRISON.
YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE LOCKED UP,
BUT YOUR MIND DOES.
[laughing obnoxiously]
- GARY!
- I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET!
- OH, GOD.
- I'VE HAD A COUPLE OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCES.
HA! YOU GUYS DRINK A LOT HERE?
AND A CARLOAD OF DOGS PULLED UP IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.
- GARY. [laughs]
GARY!
- [clears throat]
IT'S CALLED LUBRICANT LAND.
IT WOULD BE A HALFWAY AMERICAN FLAG.
DON'T GIVE UP! - GARY.
- YOU COULD PAINT A HERD OF HUMMINGBIRDS IN FORMATION
FLYING THIS WAY TO HIM LIKE A "V."
EEE!
DICK OF THE WEEK.
- GARY!
- OH, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD?
[laughter]
THOSE MINIATURE GOATS,
I'VE SEEN 'EM FORNICATE WITH MAILBOX POSTS.
THEY JUST GET UP THERE AND HUMP IT.
- PEEN.
- GARY.
- TRY TO EXPLORE THAT WORD A LITTLE DEEPER WITH ME.
- PEEN, PEEN.
- PEEN. - PEEN.
- ARE YOU THINKING OF "BEAN"?
- PEEN.
- PEEN? - PEEN.
PEEN.
- PEEN.
[laughter]
I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT A TEACHER, MAN.
- OH, IF YOU--
- IF YOU HAVE A HARD TIME ABOUT--
OH! HE LEFT.
HE'S TALKING ABOUT YOUR PENIS.
[laughter]
- LIKE A FINE WINE,
GARY BUSEY ONLY IMPROVES WITH AGE.
HE IS THE HEART AND SOUL OF THIS SHOW.
HE'S INSANE-- INSANELY TALENTED!
GARY ASKED IF HE COULD COME BACK ON ANOTHER EPISODE
AND PHYSICALLY BATTLE ME WITH CHILDREN'S TOYS.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS,
BUT I SAID YES.