BARBARA: Hello everyone and welcome to another amazing episode of "Million Dollars, But..."
I'm here with the funniest members of Funhaus: James and Bruce.
JAMES: Aw, thank you. BARBARA: Why don't you start us off, James?
JAMES: Okay. You get a million dollars but for the rest of your life
anytime you go to the bathroom it's live streamed.
[Barbara and Bruce laugh]
JAMES: You can subscribe just like any other thing, so they get a notification.
"Oh. Bruce is taking a poop." And they can just tune in.
BRUCE: That'd be great though because they'd be entertained by me.
JAMES: You know how, like, streamers they'll put a green screen behind them.
BRUCE: Oh! You could be pooping, like, in space!
BARBARA: But does it also stream you when you're in a public restroom?
JAMES: Yeah. It streams you everywhere.
So, like, you know, you're at a baseball game or something...
you finish that hot dog and you're "uh oh".
You run off into the room.
And they get their notification on their phone like: "Hey guys, I'm at the baseball game here pooping in the stall."
BRUCE: It'd be like a vlog.
You guys ever heard of PewDiePie?
BARBRA: PooDiePie?
BRUCE: Oh. PooDiePie! Bruce's PooDiePie Livestream Vlog.
Because he put the log in the toilet.
[toilet flush]
BARBARA: I think I would do it. I change my mind.
BRUCE: You already know my answer. JAMES: Absolutely.
BRUCE: I'm in. You don't even need to give me a million dollars. I'll just start streaming.
JAMES: I wouldn't do it. It's an invasion of privacy. I couldn't condone that.
BRUCE: Okay, so you get a million dollars...
BARBRA: That's a lot of money.
BRUCE: It is a lot of money but....
You have a knife attached to your hand at all times.
And we're talking a machete.
BARBARA: You won't even be allowed into to a nice restaurant.
BRUCE: Maybe it depends on how open-minded those people are.
JAMES: Could you get a doctor's note and say: "Errrrr....
... like I want to go to this movie or I want to visit my son's middle school...
...but I made a deal...
... where I get a million dollars and there's a knife in my hand."
And they would go "oh, okay" or they would go...
"PUT THE KNIFE DOWN! PUT THE KNIFE DOWN!" and start shooting.
Could you get, like, a sheath for the sharp part of the knife?
BRUCE: You can have a sheath, yeah, but it's still a giant thing sticking out of your hand.
And it looks like a knife.
JAMES: Is it sharp? BRUCE: It's really fucking sharp. Really fucking sharp.
BARBARA: Are you circumcised already?
I'm just saying you're gonna cut something off.
JAMES: Oh... That's true.
BRUCE: You're gonna be much worse than circumcised.
So, you're at a computer, right? And you try to use the mouse with your knife hand.
JAMES: Yeah. Computer. Mouse.
All these things would be difficult.
You'd using be a mouse, knocking your keyboard off. Everything would be bad.
Think about sleeping.
I like to sleep, like, curled up like a little baby.
So I have the knife then I wake up, my pillow's just destroyed.
BRUCE: You forgot to put the sheath on.
JAMES: I forgot to put my sheath on. BRUCE: Sheath on: no big deal.
JAMES: You could shave. BRUCE: Oh, yeah, you could shave with it.
See. There are a lot of applications having a knife in your hand all the time.
Also you could be, like, the best jungle tour guide ever...
'cause you'd always be able to slice through so...
Knife in a hand?
BARBARA: No.
JAMES: Yeah. I think I would take a machete-hand-knife.
BARBARA: For the rest of your life!
JAMES: For the rest of my life or as long as the arm lasts.
BRUCE: Oh, by the way. I'd never do it. That's ridiculous. That's stupid. No way.
BARBARA: You get a million dollars but from now on...
... for the rest of your life...
... you are the world's biggest...
... Justin Bieber fan.
JAMES: I'd take the money.
BRUCE: I think I'd also take the money. Yeah. I'm in.
BARBARA: You have to have posters of him...
... you have to style yourself like him...
... you have to go to every single one of his concerts.
BRUCE: Would you be sexually attracted to Justin Bieber?
BARBARA: Yes.
JAMES: So you become the biggest fan, like, almost obsessed.
BARBARA: No, you are obsessed to, like, almost a serial killer obsession.
You've got, as they say, Bieber fever.
BRUCE: Do you lose your job?
BARBARA: I mean, depending on...
JAMES: How willing they are to let you put up posters in your office.
[kissing noises]
Put wallpapers on your computer.
BRUCE: What happens if you're married and have a family?
Your wife has to deal with the fact that you're sexually attracted to Justin Bieber.
JAMES: You get her to cut her hair and suddenly your wife looks like Justin Bieber.
BARBARA: You make her sing "Baby Baby Baby" every single night.
BRUCE: Let's say your obsessions wouldn't go away and you were wracked with sadness.
Could you kill yourself?
JAMES: You roll up a Justin Bieber poster, you shove it down your throat and you're going like this [motion]
And you're trying to kill yourself. Does that work? Will you choke?
BARBARA: Do that one more time.
JAMES: Like this.
Does that work? BARBARA: Sure.
BRUCE: No, I'm not doing this. No way.
JAMES: I don't think so. No Justin Bieber.
BRUCE: What about you?
BARBARA: I mean, I'm already there.
JAMES: Okay. BARBARA: Yeah.
BARBARA: Alright guys.Thanks so much for watching this episode of "Million Dollars But..". If you wanna see more episodes you can click right here
and make sure you subscribe to Rooster Teeth and Funhaus as well.
'Cause ya know, you don't wanna leave these guys behind.