- I'VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN:
YOU'RE A VERY, VERY FUNNY WOMAN.
I SAW YOU ON "LAST COMIC STANDING."
THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE.
HOW LONG AGO WAS THAT? - SEVEN YEARS AGO.
- WOW! - WE HAVEN'T AGED A DAY.
- NO, WE HAVE NOT. - DON'T WE LOOK AMAZING?
[cheers and applause]
OH, STOP.
THAT'S NOT WHY WE DO THIS.
- YEAH.
- OH, MAYBE A COUPLE DAYS.
- MAYBE WE LOOK DIFFERENT. - MAYBE TWO DAYS.
- TAKE THAT DOWN. THAT'S GREAT.
- YEAH, THAT'S NOT COOL.
NOT COOL. - NOT COOL AT ALL, AMY.
BUT I SAW YOU ON "LAST COMIC STANDING,"
AND I WANTED TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW,
'CAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE VERY, VERY CLEVER, VERY FUNNY,
AND YOU'VE DONE VERY WELL.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH. YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU.
YEAH, I WAS SO EXCITED THAT YOU WANTED TO HAVE ME ON.
THAT WAS THE BIGGEST DEAL IN THE WORLD TO ME.
AND I WAS TO GO ON MY FIRST TOUR,
AND YOU WERE ENCOURAGING ME.
I FELT VERY ENCOURAGED BY YOU.
BUT I COULD TELL
YOU WERE KIND OF TRYING TO WARN ME WITH YOUR EYES ALSO,
LIKE, "IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE. THE ROAD'S GONNA BE HARD."
AND IT IS. - IT'S HARD.
- YEAH, IT'S ROUGH.
- YEAH, YOU'RE ALWAYS ON A PLANE OR IN A HOTEL ROOM
AND A STRANGE CITY ALL THE TIME.
SO NOW YOU GET TO LIVE IN NEW YORK AND DO YOUR SHOW.
- YEAH.
- AND YOU'RE STARTING-- IS IT THE SECOND SEASON?
- YES, THE SECOND SEASON STARTS TOMORROW.
- IT'S VERY FUNNY. - THANK YOU.
- REALLY, REALLY FUNNY. - THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YEAH, AND I'M REALLY PROUD THAT WE GET TO SHOOT IT IN NEW YORK.
AND--BUT I GREW UP JUST LOVING FEMALE COMICS,
AND MY FAVORITE SHOWS WERE-- I LOVED WATCHING GILDA ON "SNL"
AND LUCILLE BALL AND CAROL BURNETT AND YOU.
AND SO TO HAVE MY OWN SHOW IS, LIKE, A REALLY, REALLY BIG DEAL.
- AND IT'S A VERY SUCCESSFUL SHOW ON COMEDY CENTRAL AS WELL,
SO CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT.
- THANK YOU.
- YEAH, YOU'RE GETTING GOOD REVIEWS, GOOD RATINGS,
ALL THAT IMPORTANT STUFF.
NOW YOU'RE GOING TO--YOU WENT TO THE "VANITY FAIR" PARTY,
SO YOU'RE IN WITH THE IN CROWD HERE.
- I AM VERY RICH AND FAMOUS, AS YOU GUYS CAN--OBVI, RIGHT?
NO, I THOUGHT IT WAS A MISTAKE THAT I WAS INVITED.
EVEN THOUGH MY PUBLICIST WHO DOES PUBLICITY FOR THE SHOW
WAS, LIKE, REALLY CONFUSED
WHY THEY WERE GONNA ALLOW ME TO BE THERE.
LIKE, SHE'S LIKE, "DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE
THAT WORKS AT THAT RESTAURANT?"
LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU INVITED?"
AND I WAS SO EXCITED.
I BROUGHT MY SISTER, AND I SAW YOU THERE,
AND YOU GUYS LOOKED AMAZING,
AND I THOUGHT THE NICEST THING I COULD DO
WOULD BE TO NOT TALK TO YOU.
THAT WAS MY GIFT TO YOU.
OH, THERE'S ME AND MY SISTER.
MY ROAD MANAGER ALSO.
- I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SEE YOU. I WOULD'VE SAID HELLO.
BUT IT'S CRAZY--IT WAS CRAZY. A LOT OF PEOPLE THERE.
- EVERYONE IS SO FAMOUS. I THOUGHT IT WAS A MISTAKE.
I THOUGHT WE WOULD GET THERE,
AND SOMEBODY WOULD HAND ME A TRAY AND BE LIKE,
"YOU'RE GONNA STAND HERE AND GIVE OUT SHRIMP SHUMAI."
AND I WAS LIKE, "GREAT. PEOPLE LOVE THAT."
BUT WE GOT ALL DOLLED UP, AND WE FELT REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
WE WERE LIKE, "WAIT"-- BECAUSE I THINK EVERY WOMAN--
YOU'RE, LIKE, KIND OF SUSPICIOUS.
LIKE, "AM I MAYBE GORGEOUS?"
LIKE, MAYBE--MAYBE I'M A MODEL
AND I HAVEN'T JUST, LIKE, STUMBLED ON THE RIGHT LOOK YET.
YOU KNOW?
AND I GOT THERE, AND I FELT REALLY GOOD,
AND THEN I WALKED IN AND WAS JUST HIT BY A WALL
OF ALL THE "SPORTS ILLUSTRATED" SWIMSUIT MODELS,
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, OKAY," AND I UNDERSTOOD.
I'M NOT REALLY A WOMAN.
I'M JUST--I'M HARVESTING ORGANS FOR A REAL WOMAN...
[laughter]
IN CASE--LIKE, IF KATE UPTON ONE DAY NEEDS A LIVER,
I'LL BE LIKE, "HERE, THIS IS YOURS."
LIKE, "PLEASE," RIGHT?
[laughter]
I REALIZED THAT NIGHT, BECAUSE I FEEL GOOD.
I KNOW HOW TO DRESS WHERE IT LOOKS GOOD ON ME.
LIKE, I HIGHLIGHT THIS AREA A LOT.
LIKE, RIGHT ABOVE THE KNEE OR HERE.
LIKE, THIS 3/4 LENGTH SLEEVE, THIS IS NOT AN ACCIDENT.
THIS IS, LIKE, LOOK.
IT'S LIKE, "HOW IS THERE NO RING ON THIS FINGER?
THIS GIRL IS"...
LOOK AT THIS SECTION.
BUT THEN, LIKE, HERE, IT KIND OF HITS THE FAN.
UNDER HERE, IT'S KIND OF LIKE A LAVA LAMP.
LIKE, THINGS ARE-- THINGS ARE MOVING
AND NOTHING REALLY SETTLES, YOU KNOW?
IT'S VERY CONFUSING IN THIS SECTION.
- WOW, YOU'RE GETTING A LOT OF PEOPLE
THAT'LL BE CALLING YOU NOW, BECAUSE THAT'S...
- RINGING OFF THE HOOK.
- AND THERE'S A PICTURE THAT I SAW
THAT I DON'T REALLY FULLY UNDERSTAND.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS? - OH, WAIT.
DON'T PUT IT UP YET, IF YOU DIDN'T PUT IT UP YET.
OKAY, UM, SO MY SISTER-- I BROUGHT HER WITH ME,
AND--AND I SAW THE HEMSWORTH BROTHERS STANDING TOGETHER.
GOD'S GIFT TO THE WORLD.
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MEN AND MAYBE WOMEN WALKING AROUND.
AND I JUST SAID--I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOSH,"
AND WE'D ALREADY TAKEN OUR HEELS OFF,
'CAUSE WE WERE OUT OF THE RUNNING.
NOBODY'S LOOKING AT US LIKE WOMEN.
SO I'M LIKE, "GET A PICTURE OF US."
AND MY SISTER-- WE'RE SO CLOSE.
I'VE NEVER ASKED HER FOR ANYTHING.
I'VE GIVEN HER THE WORLD.
SO WE JUST GET THIS PICTURE OF ME WITH THESE GORGEOUS BOYS.
SO I STAND IN THE MIDDLE,
AND THIS IS THE PICTURE THAT MY SISTER TAKES OF ME.
[laughter]
THAT'S HER. THERE'S MY SISTER.
I'VE GIVEN YOU SO MUCH, KIM.
I'VE DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.
- SHE--JUST WHAT-- WHAT A FAILURE.
- YEAH. - WHAT A FAILURE.
- DID YOU FEEL THE EARTHQUAKE?
- YES. THIS WAS MY FIRST EARTHQUAKE.
I--YEAH, THANK YOU.
IT WAS SO SCARY.
YEAH, THAT'S, LIKE, THE ONE THING
WE HAVE OVER L.A. IN NEW YORK.
WE'RE LIKE, "WELL, AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE EARTHQUAKES."
BUT I WAS--I WOKE UP TO IT,
AND IT'D BEEN, LIKE, STARTING TO SEE THIS NEW GUY,
AND YOU REALLY LEARN A LOT ABOUT SOMEBODY
DURING AN EARTHQUAKE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
YOU WOULD THINK HE WOULD BE LIKE, "OH, ARE YOU OKAY?"
BUT HE ACTUALLY TRIED TO USE ME AS A HUMAN SHIELD
IN CASE, LIKE, A BEAM FELL ON HIM OR SOMETHING.
SO I'M SINGLE. WHAT'S UP?
[cheers and applause]
CHIVALRY IS DEAD. - YEAH.
WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU.
OH, I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU BEFORE YOU GO.
I JUST REALIZED.
BECAUSE I FELT BAD ABOUT THAT PICTURE THAT YOUR SISTER TOOK,
SO I GOT YOU SOMETHING, AND...
- [laughs]
[cheers and applause]
LOOK AT THESE FACES.
I CAN'T--THANK YOU.
WHAT IS MY HAND DOING? LIKE, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
OKAY. - CARESSING HIS CHEST.
- I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH. - YOU'RE WELCOME.
- THIS IS THE BEST GIFT EVER. THANK YOU.
- LET ME KNOW WHERE YOU HANG IT.