- I've known for a very long time
I'm a fusion between boy and girl.
I'm just stressing about not being feminine enough.
(speaks Spanish)
- It'd be so much easier
if I just accepted the identity that people saw me.
Not having control over what your body's doing
is really terrifying.
- Good breath and then just speak.
- My name. - Good.
- I am a trans woman now.
(calm music)
It's been two and a half months since I started estrogen
and it's been a lot.
- So Andrea has been an outstanding patient.
Her estrogen levels have been right where I want them to be
and her testosterone level has just reached
normal female levels and she's had normal breast development
and we've noticed a change in the fat distribution.
So she has a much more feminine body appearance now too.
This week, I got my fifth shot of estrogen
which is kind of exciting.
It's also overwhelming.
My body is changing a little bit
and my heart is opening
and my mind is restless.
I worked really late and on my walk home,
I experienced intense dread, fear
about getting to my car safely without harassment.
That's not something I ever really had to worry about.
I've always known since a young age
how you get to travel the world differently
with people seen as pretty.
And thankfully being a boy didn't affect my life.
But as of right now, I don't fit into the box of womanhood.
In the external world,
I feel a great amount of pressure to step my game up,
to wear makeup every day,
to come to work in a high heels,
to heighten my voice.
- Initially, Andrea came in
and she started at 104 Hertz for her speaking pitch.
And after a handful of sessions,
she was able to hit 164 Hertz,
which is a total of 60 Hertz difference.
My name, so we'll start with that.
- (light humming)
- I know if you wanna hum into it first, that's fine
'cause that's what we've been doing.
- My name.
- If you can, inhale and then my name.
- My name.
- It's so good.
No, I'm happy, I'm so proud of you.
- I just feel exhausted.
I just got rejected from the apartment I really wanted
and I just don't get why I'm so upset over an apartment.
Like there's plenty more.
But I do want to acknowledge that housing is
such a real issue for trans women of color.
I definitely have a lot of privilege in this scenario.
God, I don't know.
I guess it's just striking a chord
cause it's like so many people have no control
over where they sleep that night.
- During my, my last session with Andrea,
there were some things that were uncovered
that are pretty common when transitioning.
How are people going to perceive me
if I use these particular pronouns?
No matter how far you get
in the transition process, these questions can coming up.
- Going back to LA,
I was passing through security.
They scanned me.
I walked out and of course the area
around my groin became a bright yellow.
And so the lady is about to frisk me down and she says
"I think you did that wrong,
I see some pink".
Which I'm assuming they have a pink background
for women and a blue background for boys.
Surely enough.
I went back in the machine, did it again
came out and no yellow spots on my body.
And it's so complicated.
The first time that man was seeing me
for the woman that I think I am.
And then I got over it really quickly.
And then I started realizing, this is my life now.
I'm only going to start looking more feminine.
- If you think about cis-gendered women,
they're all different.
Sometimes transgender individuals struggle
with presenting as female as they can
or vice versa, but it really has nothing to do
with who they are on the inside.
- I love girl's clothes, quote-unquote,
but also the concept of having to dress a certain way
for other people to read me
as female, it's kind of frustrating.
It's like, how do you see me and assume that I'm a boy.
I don't know.
And it's sometimes like something as small as like
"thanks dude", which is like a super common saying.
And like, I don't usually take it as a gender comment
but on top of people mis-gendering me.
And it just like adds on.
Especially when I am not completely confident
in where I stand in my own gender.
And the most terrifying thing that comes
up whenever somebody mis-genders me is,
do I really want to do this?
I just come home.
I was with a big group.
We were exchanging childhood photos.
After I pulled out my phone
and I started looking at my old Facebook pictures,
I realized that the only pictures that I have
were me before I transitioned.
And I realized that I didn't want to share any of my photos.
It's already pretty common
for them to mis-gender me, obviously not on purpose.
And they actually are really good about checking themselves.
I don't know.
I guess like my biggest fear is
that if they saw something like that
then it would further deepen their subconscious bias.
The strongest feeling that was coming up was,
you're never going to be that effortlessly feminine.
My girlfriend, she was just talking
and being happy and she doesn't have to try at all.
And nobody would ever question whether or not she's a woman,
you know.
I just want spaces that I can go into
and be and explore myself, and define myself,
and not have to live up to expectations.
I got the apartment, the same apartment that I was told
that I guess somebody else got.
He called back and said
"Hey, actually, they turned it down".
And of course I'm elated.
I honestly feel like self-discovery
and self-reflection is a full-time job.
The amount of work that I've been pouring
into learning and really getting to know myself,
the scarier it gets, the realer it gets,
the more powerful it gets.
Shout out to everybody
who's trying to figure out who they are, where they fall.
It's a very strenuous journey to try and figure out
your true self.
I didn't want to shave to give my skin a break.
The facial hair removal is actually going really amazing.
I didn't want to do a full face or like any type of makeup.
Cause I knew that I was going to do a full face tomorrow
and I wanted to give my skin a break, but I decided to
still wear some hoop earrings, a feminine shirt and a bra.
So I've been getting a lot of stares.
It's so interesting how fragile gender is.
It'd be a lot safer if I just accepted the identity
that people saw me, but I've been doing that for too long.
I met Janet Mock, which was spectacular.
It was a sign from the universe
telling me that I'm on a good path,
and that as intimidating as this whole thing is,
we're all just people trying to figure it out.
I wanted to confirm that it is definitely difficult to flirt
while transitioning.
I don't know how to tell if people are interested in me.
I haven't done this in awhile and I'm a new body.
Like I'm in a new way of presenting.
Like I'm not used to this at all, you know.
I just got back from my first adult wedding.
I haven't been feeling romantic or sexual at all.
And I met somebody tonight.
It's been really nice to get in touch with my femininity
and realize that like people can appreciate it.
My friend brought up the really amazing point that
like the current conception
of transitioning is a colonized one.
It was really inspiring to be like, oh right.
Like I don't have to ascribe to this traditional concept.
You know, like if I really wanted to, and slash needed to,
I could stop taking estrogen for a bit.
It's so hard for me to show a non-curated version of myself
including the makeup and the styling
and the things that I'm saying.
So I haven't gotten to that polished version yet
of being able to say, "this is who you're going to get".
I'm not at that point at all.
It's really difficult.
And it's messy for everybody to get there.
Really does feel like I'm giving birth to a new being.
Through a lot of pain, and tears, and struggles,
and self reflection, and passion.
This thing is being forged.
So I'm glad.
It's been 11 and a half months
since I started estrogen it's been a wild journey.
One thing that I still wish
that I had done differently was come
to my dad dressed the way that I want to, from the start.