( APPLAUSE )
SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT OVER THERE!
♪ ♪ ♪
IS THAT-- THAT IS-- I'M SITTING HERE-- I'M SITTING HERE ONCE
AGAIN COUNTING MY BLESSINGS THAT I'VE GOT THE GREATEST SOUND
SYSTEM IN THE WORLD. IT REALLY SOUND LIKE YOU'RE
REALLY IN THE ROOM WITH ME. WHAT IS THAT-- WHAT IS THAT
FANTASTIC SONG YOU GUYS WERE PLAING.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S SOMETHING
I COMPOSED CALLED "SPIRITUALLY CONNECTED."
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN ORIGINAL?
>> Jon: YES. >> Stephen: FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I
SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH THE DAY'S
STORIES TO FIND AND ERECT FOR YOU THE FINEST GRECIAN NEWS
COLUMNS, ADORNING THEM WITH THE MOST UP-TO-THE-MINUTE
BAS-RELIEFS. THEN I IMPART MY MOST TOPICAL
TEACHINGS TO BE ABSORBED BY YOUR EAGER, SPONGE-LIKE MINDS IN THE
AUGUST ATHENIAN ACADEMY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I COME-TO IN A DRIED-OUT BABY POOL
ON AN ABANDONED RANCH I WON IN A WATCH THE COAST OF MOSES INGRAM.
I GATHER TUMBLEWEEDS AND LASH THEM TOGETHER WITH
TWINE I FOUND IN A DUMPSTER BY A BURNED-OUT REST STOP, THEN I
SHOTGUN A HOT MONSTER ENERGY DRINK AND CHEW ON MACA ROOT AS I
HALLUCINATE THROUGH THE NIGHT IN THE VAGRANT'S HOT -BOX YURT OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OLD FRIEND. MEANWHILE, IN LAS VEGAS, SINGER
JASON DERULO FOUGHT TWO MEN AFTER ONE OF THEM CALLED HIM
USHER. JIMMY LET'S GO TO THE TAPE.
>> HEY, USHER.
WHY YOU SLAP HIM? WHY YOU SLAP HIM?
>> Stephen: WOW! I HAVEN'T SEEN JASON DERULO THAT
ANGRY SINCE SOMEONE REMINDED HIM HE WAS IN "CATS."
( LAUGHTER )
DISRESPECTED CATS, A "CAT HAS BEEN REUNITED WITH ITS FAMILY
AFTER BEING MISTAKENLY DONATED TO A THRIFT STORE."
"THE FAMILY DONATED A RECLINER TO A THRIFT STORE," BUT "THEIR
FAMILY CAT WAS TUCKED INSIDE THE CHAIR, HIDING."
I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND GUESS THAT WAS A PRETTY TENSE REUNION
WITH THE CAT: "HEY, WE'RE SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU
BACK." "ARE YOU?"
"YEAH, SORRY WE DONATED YOU TO THAT THRIFT STORE."
"I'M SURE IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.
ANYWAY, I'M GOING TO GO SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CARPET, OUT IN
THE OPEN, IN FULL VIEW OF EVERYONE UNTIL YOU'RE ASLEEP.
THEN I'M GOING PUT MY BUTT HOLE ON YOUR MOUTH.
HONEST MISTAKE."
MEANWHILE--
"DON'T CALL ME AN ACTOR." WE DON'T.
( LAUGHTER )
THESPIAN." NOT DOING THAT, EITHER.
( LAUGHTER )
FOUND COCAINE AND METHAMPHETAMINE WRAPPED AROUND A
MAN'S PENIS DURING A TRAFFIC STOP, BUT THE MAN DENIED THE
DRUGS WERE HIS. YOU GOT TO ADMIRE THE BALLS
( LAUGHTER )
HOW DO YOU DENY THAT? "OFFICER, I'M JUST HOLDING THIS
FOR A FRIEND'S PENIS." THAT IS NOT A PICTURE OF THE
MAN'S PENIS, BY THE WAY. MEANWHILE, "A '90 DAY FIANCEÉ'
STAR HAS RETIRED FROM SELLING HER FARTS AFTER A HEART ATTACK
SCARE." I'M SORRY, WAS THAT RANDOM
JUMBLE OF WORDS A SENTENCE? I THINK I'M HAVING A STROKE.
AND I DON'T EVEN SELL MY FARTS! APPARENTLY, BEFORE HER
RETIREMENT FROM THE SCENE, THE "90 DAY FIANCE" CONTESTANT,
STEPHANIE MATTO, HAD BEEN CAPTURING HER EMISSIONS IN JARS
AND SELLING THEM, AND AT THE PEAK, WAS EARNING MORE THAN
$50,000 A WEEK SELLING HER FARTS.
THAT'S A LOT OF CHEDDAR JUST FOR CUTTING THE CHEESE!
( LAUGHTER )
SO PROUD. SOMEBODY'S LITTLE GIRL.
SO, EVIDENTLY-- AND I DID NOT KNOW THIS, AND THAT'S ONE ME--
ONE CAN BUY FARTS IN JARS. OF COURSE, I ONLY FIND OUT ABOUT
IT AFTER THE HOLIDAYS. I GAVE THE STAFF JEAN JACKETS!
BUT MATTO IS PUTTING HER DAYS OF BREAKING WIND FOR PROFIT BEHIND
HER AFTER SHE "WAS RUSHED TO A HOSPITAL WITH CHEST PAINS SHE
FEARED WERE SYMPTOMS OF A HEART ATTACK," ONLY TO BE TOLD THAT
"HER PAIN WAS THE RESULT OF HER STEADY DIET OF GAS -INDUCING
BEANS AND EGGS." HOW'D THAT CONVERSATION GO?
"MISS MATTO, ANY RECENT LIFESTYLE CHANGES?"
"OH, JUST THE USUAL: WORK STRESS, NOT SLEEPING GREAT-- OH,
AND I'VE BEEN POUNDING BEANS AND EGGS SO I CAN JAR MY FARTS FOR
CASH.
THING, RIGHT?" MEANWHILE, "A WOMAN WAS FORCED
TO ISOLATE WITH A MAN SHE'D JUST MET ON TINDER AFTER THE PAIR
BOTH TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID WHEN THEY WERE TOGETHER," IN
WHAT SOME ARE CALLING AN "OMICRON ROM-COM."
MY FAVORITE RESPIRATORY-ILLNESS-BASED
ROMANTIC COMEDY SINCE "YOU'VE GOT MERS."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.