Right after World War One was a hell of a time for democracy in Europe, y’know the
Great War was a tragedy but on the other end of it look at all these new Republics!
Germany’s a Republic now, Austria-Hungary’s split up into independent nations, Turkey’s
a Republic, the USSR is a bunch of Republics… in theory.
And y’know it’s tempting to say “Well of course, right, because with better communication
people are going to become better informed and more willing to band together to demand
reform, but why 1917-1922?
I mean in 1848 there were huge revolutions across the continent, and at the risk of underselling
them because they were a big deal, the only place they got rid of the monarchy was in
France, and then they elect Napoleon 2 electric boogaloo over here to be president, he serves
one term and makes himself an emperor!
But after reading about Kaiser Wilhelm II, I have to wonder…
how much of the reason all these monarchies died out after the Great War is because the
monarchs in question were a bunch of chumps?
Today I want to look at Kaiser Wilhelm II, because when he came to power he inherited
one of the most pre-eminent powers in Europe with one of the world’s most accomplished
statesmen at his beck-and-call, and then managed to do nearly everything in his power to upset
his neighbors, jump headfirst into a war on two fronts, and leave office with Germany
in a spiral of debt, inflation, and eventually N*zis.
[intro]
So Bismarck, the great German statesman of the 19th century is getting on in years, and
y’know Wilhelm I was always happy to sit back and let him run everything, so who’s
going to take charge when Bismarck is gone?
What luck that there’s a new emperor in town, Wilhelm II is young and ambitious and
independent, he’s not just going to reign, he’s going to rule.
However, if we compare his stats with Bismarck, the problem will quickly become apparent.
Big ego, little brain, teeny tiny temper.
The two of them were constantly getting into fights until eventually Wilhelm decided he
was better off without Bismarck.
To be honest, no one really liked Wilhelm that much.
He thought his mother was too much of an English liberal, he thought his father let his wife
and Bismarck push him around too much, and things were even worse with his extended family.
When he was 4 his parents took him to his uncle’s wedding in England, and left Prince
Alfred in charge of him.
Wilhelm pulled a knife on him.
He grew up with a chip on his soldier after Uncle Bertie became king of England and had
a bigger navy than he did, so naturally he spent as much money as possible on having
a bigger and shinier navy.
While also plotting to start a war with Russia.
God I would hate to have been his publicist.
“Okay, we need to work on your public image.
England, France and Russia all hate you.
Honestly, at this point, you’re just embarrassing yourself.”
“Name one time I said something that would go over poorly abroad.”
“You visited Morocco and practically dared the French to go to war”
“But we didn’t” “When you sent off your soldiers to fight
the Boxer Uprising in China, you told them wquote, no quarter will be given.
Prisoners will not be taken.
That’s a war crime.”
“I was speaking figuratively!
Duh!”
“What about the genocide in Africa?”
“I told my men to stop!”
“You also ordered them to do it in the first place”
“You don’t have that in writing” “Now listen.
I got you an interview with the Daily Telegraph in London, I think we still have a shot with
England if you can show them your good side.”
Reporter: “I’m here with his majesty the emperor of Germany.
Your majesty, the British public is anxious, can you comment on-
Wilhelm: “Well that’s because you’re all a bunch of psychos.
I’m the friendliest guy I know, but you journalists are all out to get me,”
Reporter: “Well that’s certainly-” Wilhelm: “If anyone hates you it’s France
and Russia, they’re a bunch of liars, they wanted me to humiliate you, but I told them,
I said I can’t do it because I love England and there’s not a dishonest bone in my body”
Publicist: “I quit!”
So perhaps it’s no wonder that when Franz Ferdinand was shot and Austria-Hungary chose
to pick a fight with Serbia, knowing that Russia was about to pick a fight with Austria-Hungary,
Wilhelm sent Austria his unlimited support because war with Russia is sort of what he’s
always wanted.
So that means Germany’s about to go to war with Russia, but France is friends with Russia
so that means France is about to go to war with Germany, so Germany invades France first,
but they go through Belgium so Britain goes to war with Germany, and oh look it’s World
War One.
Wilhelm’s generals Hindenburg and Ludendorff actually have great success against Russia,
and they decide that Wilhelm’s screwed up enough already so they pretty much take him
out of power for the rest of the war and run the country as a military dictatorship.
Unfortunately things on the Western front aren’t so peachy, and just before they lose
the war, the German Revolution breaks out.
And if you think World War One is complicated…
man, revolutions are on another level.
The simplified version goes like this:
Ludendorff: “By Jove, we’ve - no, that’s like a British-ism, I need something more
German” Soldier: “By Woden?”
Ludendorff: “By Woden, Russia is defeated!
Now we can focus on the Western front, Germany’s going to win!
Just as long as the Western front is - …. Oh **** me.
That’s it everybody, war’s over!”
[ringtone] Ludendorff: “Allo?”
Wilson: “So I hear you’re ready to surrender?”
Ludendorff: “Gotterdammerung, who invited the Americans?”
Wilson: “I hope you like freedom, because this war ain’t over until the kaiser’s
gone” Ludendorff: “Ughhhh…
The war’s back on!”
So the German high command didn’t really have any hope of winning, and uh it was pretty
obvious the men of the army knew, but things were even worse in the Navy.
The Navy’s plan was pretty much to throw all of their ships at the British at once
and hope for the best.
They were preparing for the largest, bloodiest naval battle in the entire war, surely knowing
full well they would lose.
The German sailors involved collectively said “Bruh” and began a mutiny.
That mutiny then spreads to portside cities across Germany and turns into a revolution,
and within the month all 22 monarchs within the German Empire were dethroned.
Wilhelm fled the country, but don’t feel too bad, he managed to take 60 freight cars
worth of stuff with him.
And that was just his furniture.
I’m just gonna let this keep playing until we hit 60.
Dude was rich.
Wilhelm settles in the Netherlands, grows a beard, and writes a memoir about how the
war was definitely not his fault.
I mean to be fair Austria-Hungary started it, but still.
Meanwhile in Germany, there’s a huge depression and then the N*zis come to town.
Wilhelm had hoped that the end of the Weimar Republic would mean a return to the monarchy,
maybe a crown for his grandson if he couldn’t get back on the throne himself, but a certain
Adolf Hitler had fought in WWI and in his eyes Wilhelm was nothing more than a loser
who dragged Germany down with him and you can’t grovel your way to power.
Wilhelm, for his part, was greatly troubled by what he saw in N*zi Germany.
Kristallnacht, he said, was the first time he had felt ashamed to be a German.
But apparently he hated Britain more than he hated hate crimes because after Hitler
took over Poland and France, Wilhelm was all aboard the Hitler hype train, because Britain
was the land of Satanic liberalism and the antichrist and the English nobility were all
freemasons and the freemasons had been taken over by the Jews, and they were the ones who
started both world wars, not him, he loved peace, and, and no one loves peace more than
Kaiser Wilhelm and Hitler, and he died in 1941.