Ghost Rider is... funny? And with the sequel coming up, I thought I'd give you my thoughts on it.
The first thing you need to understand about this movie, is that Nic Cage is in it.
[clip] Oh! No! Not the bees! Not the bees! Arrrrrggggh! Oh, they're in my eyes! My eyes! Arrrrr! Arrrr!
[YMS] Need I say more? And don't get me wrong, there are plenty of movies where Nic Cage pulls off a great performance.
And there are other movies, where he pulls off an amazing performance.
[clip] I never misfiled anything! Not once, not one time!
Maybe I should [unintelligible]
Euuuurrrr! Euuuurrr! Ow!
[YMS] The point is that Nic Cage will do anything.
[clip] And Nicolas Cage as Fu Manchu
This is my Mecca! [maniacal laughter]
[YMS] Yeah, I know it was from Grindhouse, ha ha ha.
But he really will do anything, and for that, you could probably call him a fearless actor.
[clip] All right, listen to me. You're Nicolas Cage, no-one can ever take that away from you.
But, after The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Bankok Dangerous, Knowing, Ghost Rider, Next, Wicker Man...
You need to be a little bit more selective about your films, Nicky.
[Cage] I like being in movies, Gary.
[YMS] We start the movie with one of those sped up shots, because you know the director forgot about pacing when he filmed it,
and just decided it would be better to do it post-production: one of those things that shows up, you know, only in bad movies.
Yeah, I'd never expect that from this director(!)
We're introduced to some bullshit story about a ghost rider going to get a contract worth 1000 evil souls, and then he said,
"Fuck you, Devil!" and actually outran him, meaning the Devil's not very powerful.
We cut to a young Johnny Blaze, and whoa! He's a daredevil with his dad.
[as Blaze] "Whee!"
They're fixing up bikes and then his dad starts coughing.
[loud coughing]
[YMS] "Oh, I just needed a smoke, that's better."
Yoink!
Right in the garbage, he'll never find it there.
They try to start this love story, so he carves into a tree, like some fucking vandal.
"Oh, you're so sweet, but I'm leaving forever."
They plan to stop this, by riding away on the motorbike at noon the next day.
Aw! How irresponsible!
OK, either the garbage isn't a very good hiding spot, or you're costing your dad a lot more money than his habit needs to.
Oh, I get it, it sets it up, so you find a note in the garbage that says your dad has cancer.
The Devil shows up later, and he's like, "I can make your dad better, if you give me your soul."
[clip] Your father will be healthy as a horse.
[horse whinny]
[YMS] Seems legit! But why Johnny Blaze? I get the impression he doesn't do this very often. Maybe he has a thing for him?
[clip] Just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed watching you ride.
[YMS] He tries to read the contract, and then gets a paper cut, but he's like "That'll do just fine"
So he didn't even really sign it, but he's in a legally binding contract anyway.
[clip] - There's a good morality tale here, as well. - Yes.
- I mean, he does sign a pact with the Devil - And it teaches one not to make deals with the wrong people.
Er, yeah. And I, and it's a little bit a grey area if he did sign or didn't,
cuz the blood accidentally spilled, but he didn't really put his name on it, so he's been tricked by the Devil.
[YMS] Johnny Blaze wakes up, and wow! What a coincidence! His dad went to get X-rays that morning, and he's fine! No more cancer!
[clip] Can't explain it, but I feel healthy as a horse.
[YMS] His dad finds out he's gonna run away with that bitch, so at first he's pissed about it.
[clip] If your goal is to end up together, that's just a great way to make sure it doesn't happen.
[YMS] How is that great way to make sure it doesn't happen?
He abruptly changes his mind, and then gives him the keys to the bike that he said he wasn't man enough for earlier in the movie.
Live, five minutes earlier. They mentioned it, like, once, so that this would be more triumphant.
This movie really doesn't waste any time. Developing anything.
Wouldn't you know it? The Devil's a dick, and kills his dad in the next stunt.
[horse whinny]
"That outta teach me to accidentally make a deal with the Devil."
[menacing laughter]
"Aw, I'm so sad. Whoa!"
So it turns out the Devil made him invincible, but why'd he kill his dad?
[clip] But I couldn't him come between us.
Oh, but you're not going to use him for, like, another ten years. So you're really just a fucking asshole.
[clip] You can sell your soul to movie going audiences; if you're any good at your work, you probably have.
[YMS] Johnny Blaze decides "Fuck bitches, get money", and we can finally get into the part of the movie with the legendary Nicolas Cage!
[clip] Monster movie, monster movie! Monster movie! Monster movie, yes! Ghost Rider, argh!
[YMS] Johnny Blaze is still doing stunts, and we get a helpful flashback, just in case you forgot that, yes, he sold his soul to the Devil.
[clip] Shiiiiiiii....
[YMS] They rush to help him, and then he says:
[clip] Heck, is the bike OK?
At which point they completely ignore all first aid training, and just fucking pick him up,
even though he could very possibly have a spine injury. You don't fucking do that. He could be in shock.
Johnny Blaze decides to relax, and has a jelly bean martini. And apparently, this was actually Nic Cage's idea.
[clip] Now, my Ghost Rider didn't eat jelly beans and listen to Karen Carpenter, so what's...
Yeah, my Ghost Rider does, er, because that's, that's me, that's my own life.
[YMS] You know, I think it's best to imagine every character Nic Cage plays as just Nic Cage himself. It makes the movie more interesting.
[clip] I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire!
[YMS] Oh no, demons coming from the underworld, and... pose!
Seriously? It's fucking stupid when movies do that.
Like, I can understand if it was a close up of his face when he was trying to scare some little girl, or something,
but he's just posing towards the camera; there's no-one there, he just decided to make a scary face for no fucking reason.
We get another good scene of Nic Cage being Nic Cage.
[clip] [laughing]
Bahoo!
[YMS] And then we get back to this guy just fucking shit up for no reason.
[clip] I knew you were here. I could smell your fear.
[voiceover] What I wanted to make, was something that, um, that could entertain the whole family, and children, and...
I think you can bring the family.
[YMS] Suddenly, The Fantastic Four of the demon world show up. Errrrr... what?
And this dude looks like he's constantly on the verge of tears.
Then the Devil shows up to set up the plot involving the Ghost Rider.
Apparently, all these demons escaped from Hell, and now they're just fucking shit up.
They wanna get that contract that was mentioned in the beginning, and for some reason, the Devil doesn't have power over them on Earth.
So he needs the Ghost Writer to teach them a lesson.
If you had power over them when they were in Hell, then how did they escape, anyway? Fucking suck for being the Devil.
We cut back to Nic Cage, who's ultimately depressed, even though he's impervious to heat, and living a life of immortality.
Johnny Cage, I mean, Nic Cage, I mean, Johnny Blaze is like, "I don't do interviews", and then Eva Mendes shows up and is like,
[clip] Not even for an old friend?
[YMS] I wonder if she planned it out, like, "Yeah, this is a symmetrical place to stand."
Oh my God! Thank you for the flashback, I never would have guessed which old friend she was.
[clip] It's got some great, great, uh, performances in it. Eva's a lot of fun to watch, and then she really lifts the movie.
- She is, yep. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
300 feet, from field goal to field goal. What's going through your mind right now?
[YMS] Eva, come on, pay attention, if you're playing a reporter, you should at least show some charisma.
[clip] [speaks Japanese]
[shreiks]
[YMS] She leaves, and is like, "I'm not even gonna stay to watch you jump, bitch."
Nic Blaze surprises everybody, and decides to jump six helicopters!
[clip] I'm thinking about a new stunt. But instead of cars, or the Ring of Fire, a helicopter.
My dad thought it would be cool.
[YMS] OK, so you just had a flashback, and then completely destroyed the purpose of having a flashback,
by explaining the flashback right after the flashback.
You know, if I was invincible, and I was doing this stunt, I would land right on the fucking blades, cuz that would be badass.
[clip] He made it!
[YMS] "You can do this too, if you try hard enough. Ha ha, just kidding! Psyche!" "My tongue!"
He rushes out of the stadium to catch up with Eva Mendes, and she doesn't even wanna chat.
[clip] What a bitch!
Johnny, look out!
[YMS] Let's watch that again. There's only two lanes, so the van actually teleported to the right side of the second lane,
and somehow there were two giant trucks heading towards them on both lanes.
He decides to put everyone's life in danger, and stop in front of her, just so he can get a date.
She says "Yes", and he says,
[clip] YES!
[YMS] And then everybody ignores the road hazard, just to get an autograph with Johnny Blaze.
Like, how the hell can people see that far ahead of them?
And in the last shot, the traffic wasn't even going the other direction; that RV could have just went around them the entire time.
Being classic Nic Cage, he's late for his date.
Oh my God, you actually have real Magic 8-Ball. Don't you know any better?
[clip] There's an app for that.
[YMS] Instead of rushing out the door, he just talks to himself in the mirror.
She gets wasted, and he walks into a back alley. Something's eerie.
What inconvenient timing! The Devil's gonna use him to catch those bitches.
[clip] Oh my Gooooooooooooood!
[YMS] Fuck the police!
These guys keep killing people, looking for that bullshit. And then, wouldn't you know it? Johnny motherfucking Blaze.
[clip] Shiiiiiiit
[maniacal laugher]
Shit just got real.
[YMS] One of them runs him over with a truck, and then Johnny Blaze gets the easiest boss kill ever.
There's no tension. It doesn't even faze him.
[clip] - Have mercy. - Sorry, all outta mercy.
Help me!
[YMS] The other three were so scared, they just ditched.
He uses his demon powers to pimp his own ride, and then he just leaves.
Meanwhile...
[clip] Wait, you think I'm pretty, right?
[YMS] He's not working for tips.
He comes across some chick getting mugged, and decides to jump in.
[clip] Thanks.
[YMS] How did she know he wasn't gonna fuck up both of them?
He uses his special move, where he can stare into someone's soul, and basically put them in a coma, or d...
I don't even what's happening to them.
He rides away on his flaming bike. How's he supposed to fill it up with gas? What's it running on? Sooouls?
[clip] Argh, rargh!
[laughter]
Huh, huarrrrrgh! Uhuh. Er, mn. Huh, uh.
[YMS] Nic Cage wakes up super dehydrated, and it makes me wonder: if he's invincible, can he starve to death? I don't get it.
Why does he even need stitches? Can he die from blood loss?
[clip] Congratulations, chances just went from none, to slim.
[YMS] But why?
He shows up at the crime scene, and it's very poorly blocked off. They should probably move the tape back, like, another block.
Check out them CG abs! Aw, yeah!
He does what any good Texan would do, and starts ripping pages out of books.
Eva Mendes comes over for a visit.
[clip] Is something burning?
[YMS] He decides he's gonna be completely honest with her.
[YMS] - And that's why I couldn't make it to dinner. - Cuz you were working, for the Devil.
Yeah, I'm his bounty hunter.
[YMS] Bet you can't guess how that went over?
Suddenly, police. They try to get him to confess, and he's like, "Nope".
So they throw him in jail for the night. They try to gang-rape him, and he's like:
[clip] "You just are bitches. You know what, you don't faze me."
[YMS] Everyone's passed out, but why are people in the cells in the background passed out? This guy isn't passed out.
[clip] Innocent.
[YMS] "Eurgh"
You know, even if I was a cop, I wouldn't provoke a dude with a flaming fucking skull.
He lets him go, anyway, cuz he's a nice guy.
He chases wind man up the side of a building, and Eva Mendes is like, "Wow, that must be him. He's telling the truth."
He gives another warning to a helicopter pilot, by just swinging him out into the distance. What if he crashed into a building?
Teary-eyed dust man shows up, and he's like, "Ha ha! I'm made of wind, you can't do anything."
And then Ghost Rider just kills him that, in like, two seconds, like it was nothing.
Johnny shows up right in front of the cops, and she's like, "Aw, that's hot."
As soon as she starts to walk closer, they say,
[clip] - Fire! - No!
[YMS] Then he just shakes it off, cuz he's a play boy.
Everyone lowers their weapon, but then their guns are back up in the background of this shot.
"Goodbye!"
Bitch face shows up, and he's like, "Where's the contract?", and he's like "I-u-o"
He notices motorcycle tracks on the ground, and feels as though he need to smell it anyway to figure out who it is.
[clip] The Rider.
[YMS] And then he shows up to fuck with his bitch.
"My pores!"
The Ghost Rider shows up, and wants to kill him by looking into his soul.
He's all like, "Bitch, I don't have a soul. That doesn't work on me."
He knocks him out, and is like, "OK, now you get the contract for me, or I'll kill your girlfriend, sucka!"
And then the scene just ends.
Epic beard man gets the contract for him, and he's like, "Bitch, I was Carter Slade this whole time.
You know that guy that we've been placing in random conversations throughout the movie,
who was supposed to be a Ghost Rider 150 years ago? Yeah, well, that's me."
But wait a minute, how's he still alive? If he is still immortal, shouldn't he look like a 150-year-old man by now?
Nic Cage got cursed as a twink, and he still aged.
And what's up with his horse? Did his horse also accidentally sign a contract with the devil?
Are all non-human animals just as equal as motorbikes in the Devil's eyes?
They get close to the place where the final showdown will take place, and then Carter changes back, and he's like,
[clip] I could only change one more time, and I was saving it for this.
[YMS] What? So you're just gonna peace out? Why didn't you do it on the final showdown, you pussy?
You just wanted to look badass, while you were riding your fucking demon horse? What the cunt is this fuck?
[clip] And I like Westerns, which this movie is.
Yeah, I agree with you on the, er, Westerns, and, and, e-e, and the Ghost Rider and stuff like that.
[YMS] He rides his bike through a very shallow swamp, and it turn out, "Oh no! It's not shallow at all."
Easy kill number three. Yeah, that was riveting.
He gives him the contract, and he's all like, "Psyche, bitch!"
"I was thrown to the ground, but make-up and hair are still fine."
"Ah, fuck! The sun's coming out. Maybe I should have just shown up earlier."
Edward Cullen reads the contract, and he's like, "Ha ha! I have 1000 souls now."
And then Ghost Rider's like, "OK, I guess I can kill you now, considering you have 1000 souls,
and the only thing preventing me from killing you before was the fact that you had no souls. Smart move, huh?"
"Thank you, I'm gonna touch your face, now"
He can just decide to burn her or not. Kinda like a Ponyta.
[clip] - Whoa! Ponyta just... - Evolved into Rapidash.
[YMS] The Devil shows up, and he's like, "I guess you have your soul back, now. A deal's a deal." and Nic Cage is like, "Nope!"
Which only further proves how weak and pathetic the character of the Devil is in this movie.
What, you can give him powers, but you can't take them back without consent? He broke the contract!
I guess it doesn't matter, cuz it's a happy ending. Aw, it's the same tree!
And then he just rides off into the distance. Alone. How's she gonna get back?
The end.
[clip] - I am Brian Taylor - And I'm Mark Neveldine.
- We are the directors of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. - We hope you have a hell of a time watching it.
[YMS] Now, as such a shit-tastic movie, you might be surprised to hear this, but I actually have higher expectations for the sequel.
Which doesn't mean they're that high at all.
But seriously, this is gonna be another fun punk rock movie from Neveldine and Taylor.
You think they're not gonna use the hilarious side of Nic Cage?
[clip] The star of our movie is... Nicolas Cage. Win.
[YMS] Like Gamer, it might be marketed towards people that'll take it seriously, but if you try to do that, you're just not gonna enjoy it.
If anything, it'll be fun to watch for their daredevil-like camera work.
So even though I know the story's gonna be shit, at least I know that it's in the hands of people that won't take it too seriously,
and will still put the effort in to getting a good shot.
[clip] You guys nervous, er, now that they're gonna go in front of the, the, the, the people that will judge you, harshly?
- [Neveldine] It's like, it's, like, so much fun. - [Taylor] Nervous? No, we love it!
[YMS] Anyway, those are my thoughts. It won't be good, but I'll enjoy it.
[clip] It's subjective, isn't it? Er, I think any, any artist, or anybody, who puts their soul into their work, and then puts a price tag on it,
on some level, has sold their soul, but that doesn't necessarily mean it to the Devil. You know what I mean?
Subtitles by JorWat