Anger can really derail us from time to time. Today at Live On Purpose TV, how to
stop being angry at someone who hurt you.
So first off, let's talk about anger
which is typically identified as a secondary emotion in my industry. In
other words, there's usually another feeling that comes just before the anger
and then anger shows up as a secondary emotion to that. Usually anger is preceded
by sadness or disappointment or a feeling of loss, these are the things
that tend to show up first and then we convert it to anger. Why? Anger is, it's
a really active kind of an emotion, it becomes very obvious what you do with
anger. Sadness or loss, not so much, it's a little harder to figure out what
to do with those so just out of convenience sometimes our mind will flip
it over to anger because that's active and we know what to do with anger, right?
Anger is also a little misleading in that when we feel anger, we get misled
into thinking that the problem is over there in fact, we can usually point to
who or what we're angry about, right? So we get distracted from where our real
power is as we look inside of our own heart and mind to find out the source.
Now having said that, I want to also affirm that anger is a natural feeling
and we all feel that occasionally. You're not wrong about feeling it, it's
important to understand it but you're not wrong about feeling it, it is a basic
human emotion that is going to come up repeatedly as we go through life. Now
you've probably heard this before too. Do you know how sometimes people say well,
no one can make you feel angry without your consent or anger as a choice, that's
all well and good but it doesn't feel like a choice
when you're in it until you see it as a choice, it's not. Think about what I just
said, until you see it as a choice, it's not and so it can take over our
emotional functioning very quickly and we don't even realize that we have a
choice in the matter so let's take a look at a few things that we can do with
this. What if someone hurts you? No no no, wait a minute, it's not even in
the if, what about when someone hurts you? Does that sound a little better? What
about when someone hurts you because it's going to happen, isn't it? How do you
handle the anger that you feel? So I think we can look at two different
options here and let's just say that you really want to hold on to the anger,
you've earned this, you deserve it, you are supposed to feel this, right? What if
we just take that route from, let's just go down that route. Four steps that
will help you to really hang on to that anger and form a good grievance about
being hurt and the first step you've already checked off, get hurt. Step one,
get hurt. Check, done. Okay that was easy. Step
number two, over personalize the offense. You got it take it personally. Notice
that everything has a personal and an impersonal component. If someone hurts
you whether it's intentionally or not, what's
the personal part of that? It's you. It happened to you, that is personal. It is
you, it's your life. You're with me? So step one, get hurt. Step two, over
personalize the offense. Step three, you got a blame and you know who to
blame, don't you? You got to blame someone or something else for how you feel. It's
not my fault, oh, and that's an important part of holding this grievance. Now step
number four, you have to create and retell at least in your own mind, maybe
with other people or even post it on social media a victim story, a victim
story where you talk about this hurt in a way that you are the
pitiful victim and it wasn't your fault and it's the.. whine a little bit because
that really ups the ante and you publish it far and wide about how this evil
nasty villain has now ruined your life. Victim story. Okay, you got it? That's how
you're going to form a grievance. This is one of your choices. Until you see it as
a choice, it's not and that's why I wanted to share those steps with you. Now
you know me well enough to know that I don't want you stuck in a grievance, I
don't want me stuck in a grievance, I don't want anybody stuck there. Well
what's our other choice? Let's go over here. What is it that we can choose to do
when we get hurt that will keep us from being stuck in this angry trap of
victimhood? Four steps. Step number one, turn your brain on. Now your brain's
always on, okay, but I'm talking about the part of your brain, it's right here
behind your forehead, the prefrontal cortex is in charge of logic and reason
and problem-solving but also things like compassion and empathy and connection
with other people. You need that part of your brain to be functioning. When we are
angry, it's a whole different part that's located down further toward the
brainstem in the primitive part of your brain is called the limbic system and
this is the one that's in charge of the fight-or-flight response. We want to calm
that part down and get the prefrontal part engaged again. Some ways to do this,
breathe. Honestly just slow down for a minute, take a few slow deep breaths in
through the nose, hold, out through the mouth, nice and slow, slow it down, focus
on it, it tends to reverse the action that's going on in your brain and helps
you to get that prefrontal cortex engaged and involved again, you're
activating your brain, that's step number one. Step number two, reframe this
experience in a way that allows you to take it less personally so step two, take
it less personally. Sure, it's you, that's the personal side
of things but after that it doesn't matter that it's you. Honestly, whatever
it is that has hurt you is not new. Oh, it might be new to you but it's not new to
our species, is it? Do you think other people have experienced the kind of hurt
that you have? Yes, they have. Countless other people on this planet have already
experienced what you're going through and there will be others to follow. You know
the details are all different, I get that you're a special case and
you've got this special circumstance but in terms of how you've been hurt, it's
nothing new so it's not about you, it's about being a citizen of planet earth.
This stuff happens to people, get over yourself and realize this is not about
you and often times, it's about the poor decisions of someone who hurts you. Now
you can connect with that, right? We're not going to blame them, that's over here on
this misery site but it's not about you and it could have happened to anyone who
is in your position at that particular time in that particular place. Do you
follow this? So step two is, we're going to take it less personally. Step number
three, take full responsibility for how you feel. Now I'm not saying that you're
going to take the blame, that's a whole different thing. I'm not saying you're
taking responsibility for the behavior of that person who aren't you. No, I'm
saying take full responsibility for how you feel and you're never wrong about
how you feel, there is some choice in the matter however that you don't always see.
When you see that it's a choice, it becomes a choice. How do you feel?
Here's better question.. How do you want to feel? And you've got something to do
with it which is why we're doing this channel in the first place, go browse
around through some of the videos and see if you can find some way to get in a
position of choice and control in your own emotional life, that's what I'm
talking about, take full responsibility for how you feel and then step number
four, create a hero story. A hero story you know, where you get to show up as
this amazing hero. Sure, you've got challenges.
Sure, you've got adversity. Sure, you've got villains in your life who have hurt
you. Yeah, I get it but have you ever watched a
movie where it features a hero? Of course you have, that's what all the movies are
about. Every stinking one of those has a villain. What is the purpose of the
villain? It's to illuminate the hero. We don't even see them as heroes except as
they show up with the villains in the adversity in their life. There's a reason
why you're having challenges, it's to illuminate you as a hero. What if you can
create that story? So instead of these four steps that have us all tied up in
anger, what if we were to take those four steps where we reactivate our brain, turn
your brain on. Step two, reframe that experience in a way that allows you to
take it less personally. Step number three, take full responsibility for how
you feel and step four, create an amazing hero story that you get to share far and
wide, let's try that instead. I'll bet you do. I bet you know someone who could
really benefit from this video. Would you just take a minute right now and share
it with them? There's a share button right down there.