>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
GIVE IT UP RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY FRIDAY, JON.
I'M ALMOST SAD IT'S FRIDAY BECAUSE THAT MEANS WE'RE SAYING
GOODBYE TO THE HISTORIC "RUSSIA WEEK," NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE IN
LATE NIGHT, AND IT'S THE EXCITING FINALE OF THE "RUSSIA
WEEK" NOW BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A A FIVE-DAY CELEBRATION OF ME
BEING ALLOWED TO COME BACK TO AMERICA.
TONIGHT, WE THANK THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE AND BID THEM FAREWELL.
>> STEPHEN: I'VE SPENT A WEEK WITH THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE, WHO
HAVE TAUGHT ME SO MUCH ABOUT THEIR CULTURE.
SO, BEFORE I LEFT, I HIT THE STREETS OF MOSCOW TO REPAY THEM
WITH A TASTE OF AMERICANA.
WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO IS I'D LIKE TO TEACH YOU SOME AMERICAN
PHRASES.
>> OH, GREAT.
>> STEPHEN: SO WE CAN BRIDGE A CULTURAL CONNECTION.
OKAY?
CASH ME OUSSIDE, HOW BOUT DAT?
>> OH!
>> STEPHEN: DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?
>> FOR ME, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
>> STEPHEN: IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE FOR ME EITHER.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD COVFEFE MEANS?
>> IN RUSSIA, PEOPLE ARE CRAZY ABOUT THIS WORD BECAUSE THEY
KNOW IT MEANS EMBARRASSMENT.
OR SOMETHING.
JUST NO, IT'S JUST FAILURE.
AND JUST-- >> STEPHEN: COVFEFE IS A RUSSIA
WORD THAT MEANS EMBARRASSMENT AND FAILURE?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
>> STEPHEN: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS IN ENGLISH RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS A FOOD IN AMERICA, THAT WE CALL SLIM JIM.
OKAY?
IT IS A PROCESSED MEAT STICK.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TASTE THAT?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> MMMMN.
IT'S LIKE SAUSAGES.
>> STEPHEN: IT IS LIKE SAUSAGE, YEAH.
IT'S AN EXCELLENT SOURCE OF SALT.
>> IS IT NATURAL?
>> STEPHEN: IT'S COMPLETELY NATURAL.
AND YOU CAN SEE, IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST
HAIR PACKED INTO A TUBE.
BUT IT'S DELICIOUS MEAT.
THIS IS CALLED A POP TART.
OKAY?
THAT'S A BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON POP TART.
YOU MIGHT HAVE THIS FOR BREAKFAST, IF YOU HAVE A
TERRIBLE MOTHER.
>> ( LAUGHS ) >> STEPHEN: HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
>> I FEEL ENERGY.
>> STEPHEN: YOU FEEL ENERGY.
THAT'S THE POP TART WORKING.
IT'S DELICIOUS.
>> IS IT FULL OF PROTEINS?
>> STEPHEN: OH, IT'S PACKED WITH PROTEINS, YES.
AND, IS SUGAR A PROTEIN?
>> UM, YES.
>> STEPHEN: THEN IT'S GOT A LOT OF PROTEIN.
THIS IS CALLED THE HALF-HUG.
>> HALF HUG.
>> STEPHEN: OR THE BRO-HUG.
>> BRO HUG.
>> STEPHEN: SO WE SHAKE HANDS LIKE THIS, AND THEN--
>> OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: THEN WE COME IN...
>> OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: AND WE DO THIS.
>> OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: BUT WE KEEP THIS BETWEEN US--
>> OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: --SO THERE'S NO SENSE OF REAL AFFECTION.
THIS IS THE TRUMP HANDSHAKE.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SHOW YOU HOW THE PRESIDENT SHAKES HANDS?
>> OH YEAH, I LIKE THIS.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, READY?
>> SURE.
I'M READY.
YOU'RE GOING TO TRUMP, YEAH?
>> STEPHEN: MMM-HMM, I'LL BE TRUMP.
>> OH, OKAY.
OKAY, I WILL BE JUSTIN TRUDEAU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: EVER HAD A RICE KRISPIES TREAT?
THIS IS THE GREATEST INVENTION AMERICA EVER CAME UP WITH.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PROTEIN THERE WAS IN THAT POP TART?
NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW MUCH PROTEIN YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN
THIS.
DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?
>> IT'S THE WIFE OF-- >> IT'S THE WIFE OF--
>> PRESIDENT CLINTON.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.
SHE USED TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> GOD DECIDED-- >> STEPHEN: GOD DECIDED THAT SHE
WOULD NOT BE PRESIDENT.
>> YES.
>> STEPHEN: SO THAT'S WHERE THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE IS?
( FIREWORKS GOING OFF ) >> STEPHEN: OKAY, I'M GOING TO
GO.
IT'S A CHEESE IN A CAN.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN CHEESE IN A CAN?
>> NO.
NEVER.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S CHEESE.
AND YOU SQUEEZE THIS, AND CHEESE SHOOTS OUT.
YOU CAN PUT IT ON A CRACKER, OR YOU CAN JUST GO, AHHHH--
MMM, MMM!
I REGRET THAT.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE INGREDIENTS?
>> STEPHEN: WHAT ARE THE INGREDIENTS?
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
OKAY THIS ONE'S CALLED TICKLE THE ROCKS.
>> OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: PUT YOUR FISTS OUT LIKE THIS.
>> STEPHEN: THIS WAY, YES?
NOW DO THIS.
>> OH, WHAT IS DOING?
>> Stephen: I'M TICKLING THE ROCKS.
>> OH.
>> STEPHEN: AND THIS IS CALLED THE ARMS RACE, OKAY?
>> ARMS RACE.
>> STEPHEN: SHAKE, AND THEN-- >> OH, JESUS CHRIST!
>> STEPHEN: YOU DO IT TO ME, TOO, READY?
SOMEONE MUST HAVE TOLD VLADAMIR I WAS HERE.
THIS IS SO THOUGHTFUL.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THIS ON A POP TART?
>> YES.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY GREAT.
>> DO YOU LIKE IT?
>> YES.
>> STEPHEN: DO YOU WANT SOME MORE?
ME, TOO.
>> ME, TOO.
>> Stephen: DO WE HAVE ANY WATER STANDING BY?
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN YOU THINK OF AMERICANS,
WHAT QUALITIES DO YOU THINK OF?
>> TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH FAT.
TOO MUCH WEIGHT.
>> TOO MUCH FAT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, WELL, WE'RE WORKING ON IT.
IT'S A PASTRY.
THERE'S CREAM INSIDE.
IT'S VACUUM-FORMED AND INJECTED UNDER HIGH PRESSURE.
YOU LIKE THAT?
>> INTERESTING.
YES.
>> STEPHEN: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE AN AMERICAN NOW.
>> ( LAUGHS ) THANK YOU.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED AT THE TWILIGHT'S LAST
GLEAMING, WHOSE BROAD STRIPES-- >> IS THIS JANET JACKSON?
>> STEPHEN: YES, THIS IS A JANET JACKSON HIT.
SHE SANG IT.
SHE HAD A BIG HIT WITH THIS SONG.
AND WHAT BETTER FINALE TO BRIDGING THE CULTURAL DIVIDE,
THEN SINGING THE RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM WITH THE LYRICS
TO OURS?
( RUSSIANS SINGING THEIR NATIONAL ANTHEM )
>> STEPHEN: OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT
OH, OH, OH, OH IT'S A PARTY IN THE U.S.A.
OH, PARTY IN THE U.S.A.
( RUSSIANS SINGING THEIR NATIONAL ANTHEM )
>> STEPHEN: I'M A JOKER AND A SMOKER
I'M A MIDNIGHT TOKER SOME CALL ME SPACE COWBOY
SOME CALL ME THE GANGSTER OF LOVE
FROM MOSCOW, I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY JULY 4TH!
WHOOOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR RUSSIA
WEEK.
THANK YOU SO MUCH TO THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE FOR THEIR HOSPITALITY.
PLEASE STOP BY!
WE LOVE YOU!