- I'm like, at a loss for words.
It's taken me a long time to get here.
But, it's cool to see.
Damn, if 17 year old Lara could see me now.
It's like I'm never gonna let a guy treat me
like (shutter clicks) again, you know?
(gentle music)
Hello, my name is Lara Parker
and for the last decade or so of my life
I've been dealing with what I refer to as vagina problems.
If you wanna get into specifics, I have endometriosis,
vaginismus and some related conditions.
Basically, my pelvic floor is in pain all of the time,
and because of this I have never been able
to have pain free penetrative sex.
I think for some reason I've always felt like I'm
not allowed to be sexual.
There's a lot of stigma around women owning
their sexuality and talking about masturbating,
and female pleasure in general,
but I think, as a straight woman who exclusively
has been with men, the idea of sex to me
for years and year has always been the idea of penetration.
And, since that was something that I could never have,
in many ways I felt like I wasn't allowed to be
a sexual being, or want to have sex,
or that anyone would want to have sex with me,
because it was just so cut and dry, so black and white.
And, in the last several years, I've done a lot
of work to help myself realize,
and hopefully help other people realize that
that is not at all what sex is or what it can be.
And, I'm 28 now.
I've been dealing with this since I was 18,
for better or worse.
I think I'm at the place now where I'm finally starting
to see myself as someone who can still be desirable,
but I'm not going to sit here and pretend
that it was always that way.
So, I've decided, you know what?
I should've thought about how
to say this (shutter clicks) word, before
I got on camera.
Boudoir, is that right?
Boudoir, boudoir. (laughs)
I'm going to have a boudoir shoot done.
I'm nervous, but also really, really excited.
I think I feel like I've had this sexual awakening
in the last nine months of my life,
and I feel like a different person.
So, I found the photographer literally just
by doing a Google search.
And he came up and he's a renowned boudoir photographer.
- Hey guys, I'm Michael Sasser, Boudoir Photographer
in Los Angeles, California.
To me, boudoir is an empowering form
of photography for everyday women,
typically in a risque way.
So, boudoir is a safe space where a woman can accept
the person that she is, as she is.
I like to say that the mirror is a liar.
What you're seeing when you look in the mirror
isn't actually an honest representation
of what you look like.
You're looking at that through the eyes
of someone really, really critical.
When you're looking at a photo of yourself,
you can't really be as judgemental.
You have to accept that this person, this image
is really you and, if you like the way that person looks,
it kinda forces you to start to appreciate
the way that you look.
- I just woke up.
It's the morning of the shoot.
I'm anxious, nervous.
The morning of, I woke up and I wasn't feeling the best,
mentally or physically, and I was kinda stressed out
about how the shoot was gonna go.
I don't know, I just don't feel sexy today.
I dunno if I'll ever feel truly ready for this.
Maybe emotionally ready, but physically, I'm not sure.
I'm having a little bit of trouble getting
out of bed at the moment.
I was kinda nervous.
I was nervous about how the pain was gonna be,
but on my way there, mostly what I felt was just excitement.
I got my hair and makeup done as soon as I got there.
And so, as soon as I had my hair and makeup done
and I saw myself in the mirror, I was like, oh my God, wow.
This is good, this is gonna look good.
And then we kinda took some time to look through
the outfits and see the space.
And then we got to choose what outfits spoke to me most.
Something, and you might already what it,
that just shows off my butt.
And then I put on them and we just started.
We started out with just a sweater,
an off the shoulder sweater to get myself acclimated,
and get myself to feel comfortable.
(upbeat music)
And then after that, I was like "Let's take the clothes off.
"Let's do it."
So, I got some lingerie and we moved to the bed,
and moved all over.
As the day progressed, my pain was progressing,
my physical pain, but it was like I didn't even care,
because I was just so in the moment.
And I was just like, whatever.
And he would show me pictures throughout
and it was very clear that my pain wasn't showing up
in the way that it felt.
And it felt like it was just this elephant coming into
the room, messing everything up.
But when he showed me the pictures I couldn't see it
and that made me feel better to keep going.
(upbeat music)
So far it's going really well.
He's shown me a couple of the pictures right after
he's taken it, just really quick peeks,
and I haven't disliked any of them.
In fact, when I see them, I'm like, "That's not me."
So, that's good, I mean, I think. (laughs)
No, it's going well.
The thing is, it's really awkward, because you have
to just allow yourself to be sexual
in a way that you usually don't, right.
I'm not just sexual in front of people, usually.
It's when the lights are off and I'm in my bedroom
with someone, and you just have to let yourself get there,
and not feel weird or embarrassed about it.
So, that been the hardest part for me,
well obviously there's camera crew here too.
So I just keep feeling ooh, I feel awkward right now,
but as soon as I start to let myself go
and actually start feeling it, and listening to the music,
then I can tell that it's a better picture.
So, it's just getting out of my head, is the hardest part.
A lot of times I think people think boudoir photography
is for another person.
You're doing it as a gift to give to your husband
or to your wife, whatever.
But really, it's for you.
It's about how you feel.
Yes, I want other people to be attracted to me,
and yes I want people to want to have sex with me
in different ways, and know that I'm desirable,
but at the end of the day, what really matters
to me is knowing that I'm desirable,
and believing that inside myself.
And, I've gotten so close to that point.
I feel like I'm there in ways that I never have been before.
And this is just the final way to put the cherry
on top, and say Yeah, I'm here, I love myself
and, it's been a journey,
but I'm (shutter clicks) proud of myself.
(gentle music)
We're done.
- [Producer] Yeah, so how do you feel?
- I feel really good right now, mentally.
Physically I'm in a lotta pain.
I'm having a bad pain day, but it's funny,
because I just, I don't really care that much.
I'm very excited to see these photos.
We had the crew leave for just a little bit,
and I just got fully nude and it was very empowering,
and I saw a glimpse on his camera, peeked a little glimpse,
and I was like, "Ooh."
So, I don't know, I'm nervous.
I really hope, there's no way that I'm not gonna love them,
'cause it's just, no matter what,
it was just a really good experience.
So, I feel good.
I feel (shutter clicks) great.
I feel like I drank caffeine, but I didn't, so.
Then we got to see the pictures and we had
the big reveal.
- All right, ready? - Yeah.
(gentle music)
Oh my God.
(gentle music)
What?
(gentle music)
Oh my God, what. (laughs)
It was emotional for me in good and bad ways.
And it wasn't really bad at all, it was just,
reflecting on how far I'd come and where I am now.
I was really proud of myself, and it was really cool
to showcase that in front of people.
Oh my God, this doesn't even look like me.
It's wild.
I mean, it's me, but it's like...
Damn, if 17 year old Lara could see me now,
she'd be like, "What the (shutter clicks)."
You know?
It's really cool.
I'm just gonna get emotional. (laughs)
It just feels good to like myself, you know.
I look at myself and be like,
"I'm (camera clicks) sexy." (laughs)
No, that's really cool.
They look so good.
I'm shaking a little bit.
I'm at a loss for words.
It's just cool.
It's taken me a long time to get here,
but it's cool to see.
I loved the pictures.
I want to frame them all.
I was very excited about it.
(gentle music)
This whole thing is emotional for me.
It's impossible to separate my emotions from it,
and I don't really think that I want to,
because the point of why I'm here is celebrating
the emotional journey that I've come on.
You think of a chronic illness, or you think
of chronic pain, people think
of the physical aspect of it.
But the mental aspect of it is something
that isn't talked about enough.
And especially with conditions like mine
that are literally in your vagina,
it's a very personal thing.
It's embarrassing, stigmatized.
It's not something that you generally wanna talk about,
and so doing this and just allowing myself
to talk openly about it, allowing myself
to be this sexual person
and just saying I don't give a (shutter clicks)
what the rules are for sex.
I'm just living in the way that I can
and I'm not gonna be ashamed of it or embarrassed.
And I don't think anyone else should, either.
- I thought this shoot went great.
Lara's a trooper, she's so brave.
I always say you don't need to be confident
to come in for a boudoir shoot, but you do need to be brave.
Confidence is something that I think that
a lot of people have a hard time with,
and it's something that you leave with after the shoot.
But to be brave, to put yourself out there,
to document yourself in this really vulnerable state,
and then to share with the world, to empower other women,
to show that they have a place and they have
a reason to love themselves, I think is so courageous.
And I think it's amazing, and I think we're all lucky
to have people Lara.
- So it's been really good, and I feel really good.
And I think I'm gonna get a Taco Bell
on the way home, and then just go away with my dog
and stare at pictures of my naked body
for the next five to seven hours.
And I can't wait.
It's gonna be great.
I just feel really good, I'm in a very good mood.
I just feel (shutter clicks) powerful.
I just texted my friend and I was like,
"No man is ever deserving of us."
And she was like, "You're right,
"but what are you talking about?" (laughs)
I just feel alive.
It's good.
Thank you guys so much for tuning in.
If you want to learn more, or read more in-depth
about this story, you can click the link
in the description below and read the article
that I wrote about my experience.
(gentle music)