Are you getting ready to go through the holidays with a narcissist? Painful. Drama.
I know, I've been there. I've seen it. And what I'm going to offer you in this
video is how to survive those holidays with that narcissist.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung and I've been recognized as one of the top 1% of attorneys in the country.
And I've written a couple of bestselling books, Negotiate Like you MATTER and Breaking Free:
A Step-by-Step Divorce Guide, and I've helped millions of people through these YouTube videos
now in ways to negotiate with narcissists, deal with narcissists, get out of relationships with
narcissists, and that's what I do for you. If that sounds good to you and if that's what
you're looking to do, make sure to hit subscribe and hit that notification bell and that way you'll
get notified when I upload new content. So, let's talk about holidays with narcissists,
no fun. Why is that? Because narcissists like to ruin holidays and they often get
worse during holidays. They don't like when other people have attention on things other than them,
they resent that kind of thing and so they act up. So if you're dealing with a narcissist with
a co-parenting situation during the holidays, definitely check out my video on how to co-parent
with a narcissist during the holidays, any kind of co with any kind of narcissist, this never really,
it never really happens that way, because they can't really work together with people
in a team. They have to be the one to shine, they have to be the one that pushes you down,
they have to be the one that makes you look bad. Because they're constantly driven by this endless
need for narcissistic supply in order to survive, they are doing things that are constantly looking
for ways to push other people down, control them, intimidate them and make themselves look better.
So, during the holidays, they're going to act up, they may act worse, they may cause more drama.
And how are you going to survive that? How are you going to deal with that? So,
the first thing that I think that you should do is create really, really specific boundaries.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, then just decide, "Here's how the communication
is going to look. Here's what I'm going to accept as far as behavior from you or not. And
if you cross that line, then we're not going to continue to be in communication with each other,"
and decide ahead of time for you what that's going to look like for you.
What's going to protect you? What's going to make you feel better? What's going to make
you feel like you're starting to have some power and control over yourself and your emotions? And
a big part of the boundaries is also protecting your emotions and not allowing yourself
to get sucked into that negative vortex. A lot of times they want to drag you down
into the mud. And one thing that they can't control is your thoughts and your emotions. And
if you want to know more about what a narcissist can't control, make sure you check out my video on
what narcissists cannot control. And one of those things for sure is your emotions. And so they're
going to try and they know how to push your buttons, they know exactly how to manipulate you.
Narcissists are masters at reading people, they're masters at reading your emotions, they're masters
at knowing what's going to get under your skin. If you work really, really hard at being really
good at something like, maybe it's really good in business or really good as a parent or whatever,
then that's the thing they're going to malign or accuse you of being bad at because they know
that that's the one thing that you're going to immediately jump up and go, "No, that's not me."
So if you worked really hard at cooking an amazing dinner, then they're going to devalue some...
"This is too salty or this isn't good enough. The cake turned out too dr." Whatever it
is. Because they're going to know that it's going to drive you insane. So that's where you're going
to just start to take a look at it as if you're observing the situation as a neutral third party.
"Wow. That's interesting that you think that, I guess you don't have to have any then," whatever.
You don't need to engage with it. The less you engage with it, the more it will be better for
you to survive the holidays with that narcissist. But if you are going to take my advice and create
really strong boundaries, I want to see a boundaries in the comments right now. The
second thing that you can do with narcissists to survive the holidays with them is managing
your expectations. Don't expect a lot from them. They're not great at gift giving because they
don't really like to have to give gifts, they don't really want to have to give you anything.
The price of being just in their space is you doing every single thing for them and them not
having to do anything in return. And if you want anything from them in return, then you better
be prepared to give a pound of flesh and give something that's of value, like a million times
more than whatever you want from them. And if you want to know more about red flags of gift giving,
if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, make sure you check out my video on that topic.
But they're not great at gift giving. They're not great during the holidays. They don't really enjoy
when people are getting attention other than themselves. So they create a lot of emotion
and they create a lot of drama and chaos around it. So just manage your expectations.
Don't expect a lot from them. Don't expect them to help. Don't expect them to appreciate.
I know it's not the greatest. I mean, when you're dealing with a narcissist and you're
in a relationship with them, it's not the greatest. You have to just learn,
if you're going to remain in the relationship, at least through the holidays with them,
to just not expect anything, don't expect them to compliment you.
If they devalue you in some way, just deflect it off and go, "Okay, that's what you think."
And not engage with it. Just manage your expectations on what it is that you think
you're going to get from them as far as behavior, gifts, how they talk, how they communicate,
all of that and just expect that that's how they're going to be.
I know a lot of people, when they're dealing with narcissists in a romantic setting,
they've got somebody who just really doesn't help around the house. They don't really do anything.
They get resentful if you ask them to do something, or if they ask them to do something,
then they might say, "Yes, I'll do it." And then they get passive aggressive and then
they don't do it. And then when you have to ask them about it, they get angry and they deflect
and now you're in it. So now you're getting pulled into it. So, just manage your expectations.
If you know that that's going to be a source of a problem, don't go there. It's only for a couple of
weeks during this holiday season. And January, by the way, is usually considered to be divorce
month, because a lot of people, they just do what they need to do to get through the holidays
and then go into January and go ahead and file for divorce then.
And who knows what's going to happen in this world with COVID this year, divorces are already up.
But that being said, just for your own sake, for your own sanity, manage your expectations and
don't expect a whole heck of a lot from them. And the last thing that you can do to survive
the holidays is maybe just, while you're keeping your strong boundaries and while you're managing
your expectations, it might help you mentally to just start thinking about what your new life is
going to look like? Are you going to file for divorce? Are you going to try to dissolve the
business partnership? If that's what you're in. What's the next step going to look like for you?
And just start mentally preparing and start mentally maybe making lists or talking to the
people that you need to talk to in order to start your next steps and just know like, "That's what's
going to happen next. And in January, this is where I'm going to go. So, for the next
couple of weeks, I can survive anything because I know that I'm taking steps moving forward.
I'm going to join Rebecca's SLAY program and start learning how to strategize and create leverage,
and anticipate what they're going to do," and focusing on you and your case and your position,
that's what SLAY stands for. So, just getting yourself mentally prepared
will also help tremendously. And the last thing is just making
sure that you're taking care of yourself and [inaudible 00:10:11] self-care by
meditating if you need to, breathing exercises if you need to, pivoting your brain, learning to
not take all this stuff so personally, because you're educating yourself. If you want to know
more about how to take care of yourself, check out my video called self-care to cope
with narcissists, that will also help you. But just learning what you need to learn in
order to pivot your brain and start preparing. And that will help you, by the way, when you go
to negotiate with that narcissist by starting to have that strong mind, because I always say 80% of
a negotiation is one, before you even walk into a room, 50% is one just by preparing your mind
and feeling powerful and knowing exactly what it is that you're going to be asking for and exactly
what your strategy is and exactly what your leverage is and planning the whole thing out.
And so, that will help you as well while you're trying to survive the holidays with
this narcissist. Am I good for time? Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Okay. So, if you are getting ready to negotiate with that narcissist,
make sure to grab my free Crush My Negotiation prep worksheet at winmynegotiation.com
and you can join me in my free private Facebook group as well for more support and for more of
that self-care that I was just talking about, it's called Narcissist Negotiators with Rebecca Zung.
And if you liked this video, give it a like, share it, drop me a comment and make sure to subscribe
and hit that notification bell. I'm so glad that you were here today. And if you're watching this
during the holidays, I wish you holidays filled with light and love and gratitude.
And gratitude will always help when you're in bad situations, just start pivoting your brain and
start thinking about things that you're grateful for. So I wish you lots of peace. And remember,
today is a great day to start negotiating your best life. I'll see you in the next video.