The Constitution doesn’t mention Political Parties, because back when it was written,
they didn’t exist.. This democracy thing was pretty new, guys.
Although believe me, The Founders did have their disagreements, they were afraid of the country
falling into factions. Plus, they loved GEORGE WASHINGTON, like he won every single electoral vote
Even though The Founders didn’t set a limit, GEORGE WASHINGTON decided to retire after two terms.
By this time, the country had split into two camps.
On one side, JOHN ADAMS and ALEXANDER HAMILTON who called for a strong government with a
big bank, and close ties to England. They form The Federalists.
On the other side, JAMES MADISON and THOMAS JEFFERSON who were really just against everything
Alexander Hamilton, so for small government and siding with revolutionary France.. They
form the Democratic Republicans.
By 1815, after The War of 1812 (when the British returned and BURNED DOWN THE WHITE HOUSE),
people wanted unity and the two party system dissolves in The Era of Good Feelings.. but
things quickly fall apart with the bitter feud between John Quincy Adams and Andrew
Jackson during the elections of 1824 and 1828.
The pro-JACKSON side rebrands the small-government loving DEMOCRATIC REPUBLICANS into THE DEMOCRATS.
THE WHIGS rise up as a party against JACKSON, believing him a tyrant and a jerk (which you’d
agree with if you were a Native American, or one of the guys he beat senseless with
his cane).
THE WHIG PARTY campaign WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON against JACKSON’S VP VAN BUREN (or the guy
with the crazy hair). Although they lose in 1836, THE WHIGS run HARRISON again but step
it up with parades featuring free hard-cider, The Log Cabin HARRISON didn’t actually grow
up in, and a giant rolling ball. Which literally coined the phrase “Keep The Ball Rolling.”
HARRISON would be elected in 1840, BUT died in 1841, only 32 days into office after going
outside without a coat on... Bundle up, kids!
THE WHIGS would successfully elect another president in 1849, ZACHARY TAYLOR, but he
would die only 16 months into his presidency from getting sick after drinking some milk.
So unsurprisingly, THE WHIGS fall apart, and in 1852, ex-Whigs join-up with northern anti-slavery
activists to form THE REPUBLICANS. Being from the north, they believed in liberty for everyone,
from slaves to big business.
THE REPUBLICANS firmly rise with the Election of their ABRAHAM LINCOLN in 1860, after THE
DEMOCRATS fall into disarray and split into north/south over the issue of slavery. The
big guy’s election in turn starts a little something called The Civil War!
During Reconstruction, DEMOCRATS firmly grab The South and REPUBLICANS, The North.
These post-Civil War DEMOCRATS were pretty abusive of elections, which leads to laws
like registering voters and making sure dead people don’t vote, which was a big problem.
Unsurprisingly, THE DEMOCRATS were pretty unpopular and didn’t win a single presidential
election between 1896 and 1932 aside from WOODROW WILSON, who only made it in because
the Republican vote was split between current PRESIDENT TAFT and former PRESIDENT TEDDY
ROOSEVELT who had formed THE BULL MOOSE PARTY.
However, The Great Depression would prove the Republican economic views of letting Big
Business do whatever it wanted, and traditional views like prohibition, no longer worked for
the country.
Democratic PRESIDENT FDR believed that the government could help the poor, and regulate
business - which was something the growing Socialist Party stood for. The great success
of his New Deal would shift the lower class, blacks, immigrants, and catholic voters to
the DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
By the 1960’s with Democratic PRESIDENT JOHNSON siding with the black Civil Rights
movement, and Republican RICHARD NIXON being more regressive towards race, THE DEMOCRATS
lose all the southern “dixiecrats” that were left over from the Good Old Gays and
THE REPUBLICANS fully take over the South and fly over states. Meanwhile, THE DEMOCRATS
cement the coasts.
Modern Democrats believe in growing what the government does for the people (even if that
hurts business), focusing on domestic issues, and progressing the constitution.
Modern Republicans believe in staying out of the way of the people (and apparently businesses
are people), a strong national defense, and upholding the classic old-school, on-vinyl,
constitution (even if that impedes social progress).
This has largely been where the two parties have sat ever since, but if this story has
taught us anything, that’s going to change, but that’s what America does.
To explain where Republicans and Democrats came from, let's start with the basics. In
America, we like to define ourselves left or right, but it’s more of a spectrum, because
humans be crazy. On one side, we have big government like The Hunger Games, and on the
other side, there’s small government, or Mad Max. Then we have progressive social values
like Star Trek, and on this side, super traditionalist values, like Downton Abbey. Hitler’s Nazis
would fall right here, and Stalin’s Communists right here, and Regan right here.. But then
they would both fall into the garbage.