One of our goals in raising our children is to raise them to be resilient -- to be
strong through challenging and through good times. And undoubtedly if I had to
summarize for you the bottom line of resilience I would speak about the
lifelong security and confidence that comes from knowing that you're worthy of
being loved. It's about the adults who surround children really believing in
them. But in the interest of giving you really concrete strategies to take on as
you're gonna be building your child's resilience, I want to introduce you to
the seven C's model of resilience. This is a model that was first published by
the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2006. But I have to tell you it builds
upon the five C's of resilience that was first proposed by some of the greatest
thinkers in positive youth development. The first C: Confidence. We knew for about
30 years how to build confidence in young people. It was all about building
their self-esteem. And we knew that if we praised kids lavishly and made them feel
good about themselves every minute, they would have positive self-esteem. And it
backfired. It backfired because it created a lot of anxiety and a lot of
self-doubt and kids who thought they had to please everybody around them. Real
confidence doesn't come from people telling you you're special. Real
confidence comes from building your competence, which is the second C,
building your skills, and people noticing what you bring to the table. That's also
what builds real self-esteem. Let's talk about competence. Competence is rooted in
your skills. It is about people noticing what you're already good at, noticing
where you need improvement, and what skills needed to be added, alright. So
those are skills around navigating the world, navigating peers, getting ready for
a job, all of those are the kind of skills and competencies we can build in
kids. The next C is connection, right? That is
again the bottom line of resilience is that the kids who are gonna make it or
the kids who have circles of adults around them who believe in them, who see
them, and who are reliable presences in their lives. One adult is really
important. More is better. It is the adults in kids lives that
gives them the confidence and the security to meet challenges. The next C:
Character. Having an understanding of what is right and wrong, right? The bottom
line is it's about being a good person it's about doing the right thing. It's
about having a sense of morality. When you're thinking about morality there's
two things that you're thinking about -- one is can you control your impulses. Can
you refrain from doing things that might feel good in the moment, but that are
gonna hurt other people? And the other is, are you committed to doing something to
build your relationships, your family, your community, a better world.
Another element of character is how we approach the work world and how we
approach our planning for the future. Do we have tenacity, stick-to-itiveness? Are
we looking far in the distance and imagining what it's going to take to get
there? Or we only thinking in the moment? The next C is Contribution. We want our
kids to make a difference. Kids want to know that they matter. They want to have a
sense of purpose. But it's more than that. What we want is for our kids to be
ultimately resilient. During the worst of times who survives? It's the people who can
reach. The person who can reach out and say, "Brother, I need a hand," "Sister, I need
a hand." That's who survives. What is it that allows you to feel comfortable
reaching? It's knowing that there's no pity on the other end. When you give
service you learn that it feels good and what that means is that ultimately when
one day you need to receive service you know there's no pity on the other end
and you can feel good about taking it. But it's more than that. Adolescents, in
general, teenagers, in particular, they're looked down upon. We roll our
eyes when we talk about teenagers. Sometimes we cross the street when we
see teenagers. This is poison. This is poison to healthy development. And what
happens when our kids contribute, when they give back, whether it's helping the
lady cross the street or shoveling someone's snow or raking their leaves,
whatever it is, they've become surrounded by thank yous rather than condemnation.
And gratitude is a powerful force that makes people become their best selves.
Next is Coping. Coping is one of the most important competencies a human being can
have if they're gonna thrive through difficult times. When you think about
almost everything we fear in adolescence, whether it's sexual relationships out of
the context of something that's healthy, whether it's drugs, whether it's bullying
fighting, cutting, eating disorders; everything we fear, it's not kids trying
to be bad. It's kids trying to take away their pain. And telling them what not to
do by shaming them, it just doesn't work. What does work? By working with them,
starting at the very youngest age, but throughout adolescence teaching them how
to cope. We have to stop telling kids what not to do and begin telling them
and showing them what to do. And above all, modeling it ourselves. Control is our
final C. You know, you either believe that you control what happens to you or you
believe things happen to you. And if you believe that things happen to you you're
always going to be passive. You're never gonna grab the bull by the horns. Which
means you're not gonna thrive in the best of times and you're gonna be
destroyed in the worst of times because you're just gonna become passive. Where
do we begin to get a sense of control? In our homes by how our parents discipline
us. It's very important here to understand what the word discipline
means. It means to teach or to guide, ideally in a loving way. It doesn't mean
to control and it doesn't mean to punish. When we discipline our kids by saying
"You'll do what I say! Why? Because I said so!" we make our kids feel small. It's
the best way to have kids who have no sense of control. On the other hand, when we say
to our kids, "Our goal is for you to become responsible," "Our goal is for you
to have more and more privileges, more and more freedoms when you can handle it.
All you got to do is show me you're ready," kids feel large.