(howling)
- [Narrator] I reckon you ain't too familiar
with these here parts,
but let me tell you,
monsters do exist.
I've seen fights that would turn men
into frightened little boys.
Mordeos fighting a Look-See.
A brute fighting a god darned tree.
Even a dead British schoolgirl taking on a hoard
of smiley-faced cult members
with nothing but a hockey stick.
Yup, these fights might be deemed epic to some,
but those some ain't never seen a fight as merciless
as the Food Fight at Baby Cheyenne's.
Most vicious of fights between two hard some-bitches
known as the Cakeman
and the Watermelon Baby.
Our story starts way out west at baby shower
just like any other.
They was celebrating the soon to be birthin'
of little old baby Cheyenne,
a celebration of life.
Now, ain't that ironic?
But what come next, well,
what come next ain't just like any other.
The missus was going through her pile of presents
when she come across one mighty peculiar box
festooned with ribbons.
I'll ask you as a listener
to suspend your disbeliefin' for a minute
and picture a man made of a white cake, confectioner,
and sportin' a waffle cone hat.
This cakeman lept out of the box like a bat outta hell.
(Cakeman laughs manically)
Now let me ask you as a listener,
what does one do when a dessert
that ain't supposed to be alive come alive?
Well, they panicked. (woman screams)
And boy did they panic as this cake shot up the place
like Billy the Kid shooting fish in a barrel.
Candles piercing frightened folks young and old.
He held the mommy to be dead to rights in the corner
when suddenly a shot rang out
and knocked the waffle cone straight off his head.
The Cakeman turned to see his shooter,
only to find the Watermelon Baby,
a two foot tall baby made entirely of watermelon.
That's right, watermelon. (baby chuckles)
That delicious fruit one enjoys on a summer day.
It was high noon when these two edible foes
laid eyes on each other.
It tweren't long before their hands clasped their shooters.
I've seen gun fights between man-made iron,
but never had I witnessed one between candle and seed.
Two seasoned gunslingers just shootin', dodgin',
reloadin', then rinsin' and repeat.
That is when a higher power,
if you believe in that sort of thing,
intervened and turned their gun fight
into a fist fight.
I'm a little fuzzy on who struck who first.
These old eyes couldn't keep up with the rapid speed
of their punching and kicking.
I'm told by some that the Cakeman studied under
a Shaolin grandmaster.
That would be enough to scare anybody.
But the Watermelon Baby countered with moves
only known to the creme de la creme
of the Israeli Special Forces.
Just when it looked like the sun was starting to set
on our frosted fella,
the water filled melon baby was upended.
(bell tolls)
The tables turned for our two combatants.
The baby shower was still as night
as Cakeman delivered the fatal blow to Watermelon Baby.
(baby splats)
Monsters among men.
I swear I've never seen a fight as incredible as that
of the food fight at Baby Cheyenne's.
Take what you will of this tale told by an old cowboy
such as I,
but I've never been one for imagination
and I swear on my spurs what you just heard
really did happen.
Cakeman may have won the fight,
but the seeds of war between cake and fruit
had been planted that day.
(seed laughing)
If you'll lend me your ears again
I'll tell you all about the second food fight
between the Cakeman and the Watermelon Baby.
Now, y'all come back now, ya hear?
I'll be rocking and forthin'
in this here rock and forth chair.
(subtle western music)