>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME KATE BECKINSALE!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> IS THAT FOR ME?
>> Stephen: THAT IS FOR YOU.
THAT IS FOR YOU.
ENJOY IT.
PLEASE HYDRATE.
>> I'M GOING TO.
>> Stephen: THIS TIME OF YEAR YOU HAVE TO HYDRATE.
YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY LOVELY IN THAT DRESS.
YOU COULD AWARE IT TO A BALL.
>> SHOULD I.
>> Stephen: I LOVE HOW CLASSY YOU SOUND, "SHALL I?"
IS THIS LIKE WHAT YOU WORE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE?
>> I NORMALLY DON'T LIKE NEW YEAR'S EVE.
>> Stephen: WHY?
>> I THINK THE PRESSURE TO HAVE A REALLY GOOD TIME MAKES ME GO
CONTRARY.
THIS YEAR DIGO TO A PARTY.
I WENT TO A SORT OF FRATY PARTY, WHICH I THOUGHT --
>> YOU WENT TO A FRAT PARTY?
>> NO-- >> Stephen: THOSE WERE SOME
VERY HAPPY FRAT BOYS.
>> IT WAS A FRATY-STYLE PARTY.
THEY WERE MUCH OLDER, I THINK, THAN ACTUAL FRAT PARTIY.
>> Stephen: WHAT MADE IT FRATY, BONGS, AND THINGS LIKE
THAT?
>> I THINK THAT WAS IMMINENT.
I LEFT BEFORE THAT HAPPENED.
THERE WERE THOSE RED PLASTIC CUPS--
>> Stephen: THE SOLO CUPS.
>> WITH VODKA AND GATORADE IN THEM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A QUALITY PARTY.
>> RIGHT, ISN'T IT.
>> Stephen: YOU NEED YOUR ELECTROLIGHTS WHEN YOU'RE
CHUGGING VODKA.
>> EXACTLY.
SO THERE WAS THAT.
AND THEN I WENT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
AND WHEN IT WAS TIME TO LEAVE I WENT TO ANOTHER PARTY-- YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU WALK INTO A HOUSE AND IT SOUNDS LIKE GRANDMA'S CABIN
AND GRANDMA'S OLD BLANKETS AND I WAS ROLLING WITH THE GRANDMA
CABIN THING AND A MOTH FLEW OUT OF THE TOILET AND I THOUGHT I'M
GOING HOME NOW AND I THOUGHT THAT'S WHEN NEW YEAR'S HAPPENED
FOR ME.
>> Stephen: IS THAT HOW YOU KNEW IT WAS MIDNIGHT WHEN THE
MOTH CAME OUT.
WHERE WERE YOU FOR MIDNIGHT?
>> NOT THE MOTH.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A BAD YEAR AHEAD, I THINK.
NO, I WAS AT A CLUB AT THE TIME.
GET ME.
>> Stephen: A CLUB LIKE WITH MUSIC.
>> STANDING ON A BANKET WITH SOMEONE STANDING ON MY JACKET,
AND I KNOW YOU, STUFF LIKE THAT.
NORMALLY, I DON'T HAVE THAT.
>> Stephen: ONE THING YOU HAVE TO CELEBRATE FOR THE NEW YEAR
HERE YOU'RE ON THE COVER OF-- YOU'RE ON "SHAPE" MAGAZINE.
THIS IS FROM THE CONTENTS PAGE OF "SHAPE" MAGAZINE.
( APPLAUSE ) MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY.
OVER THE HOLIDAYS, YOU HAD TO HAVE AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT THE
EGGNOG.
THEY TAKE THIS PHOTO LIKE, IN NOVEMBER, RIGHT?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: AND THEN YOU TOTALLY PACK ON THE POUNDS.
>> THIS IS RUINED.
THIS IS RUINED.
>> Stephen: I CAN TELL, YES FATTY.
>> TUBS.
>> Stephen: HOW MUCH-- DO YOU-- DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE I GET TO SIT BEHIND A DESK, SO I CAN JUST SPREAD OUT.
>> THAT'S QUITE GOOD, ISN'T IT?
>> Stephen: IT'S VERY NICE.
I ACTUALLY WEAR THE DESK EVERYWHERE I GO.
>> IT'S YOUR SWEAT PANTS.
>> Stephen: I ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE TO WEAR PANTS WHEN I SIT
DOWN.
>> YOU'RE NOT.
>> Stephen: NOT RIGHT NOW.
>> HOW FRENCH!
>> Stephen: WELL, MY NAME IS COLBERT, MADAME.
>> IT IS.
>> Stephen: YOU ALSO-- THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS ACTUALLY VERY
TOPICAL, AND ALMOST POLITICAL RIGHT NOW.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU LIKE TO INSTAGRAM PICTURES OF YOUR-- OF
YOUR CAT.
AND THIS ONE SAYS, "BITE ME."
>> YEAH.
BECAUSE HE'S A GINGERBREAD KEEK.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.
THIS ONE MAKES LESS SENSE TO ME.
THIS ONE THE CAT HAS AN EGG CRATE.
>> OKAY -- >>UN THE CAT IS DREAMING OF
MURDERING YOU, RIGHT?
>> THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE ACTUALLY WRONG.
>> Stephen: CATS LIKE THIS?
>> NOT ALL CATS.
A LOT OF CATS DON'T.
MY CAT IS QUITE STUPID.
BUT-- AND I SAY THAT WITH LOVE.
BUT DOES REALLY ENJOY DRESSING UP.
THE TROUBLE IS HE'S GOT RESTING BITCH FACE, SO HE ALWAYS LOOKS
ANGRY BUT HE'S ACTUALLY HAPPY ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: THIS ONE?
>> THAT'S A PANDA HAT.
IT'S SORT OF LIKE A HELMET.
THAT WAS HIS FAVORITE ONE.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SUBMITTING THIS TO TRUMP'S
"EMERGENCY KITTEN" TWITTER FEED.
>> THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
>> Stephen: AND SENDING TRUMP MESSAGES.
>> I COULD GET WEIRDER AND WEIRDER WITH THE COSTUMES.
HE WOULD BE TOTALLY DOWN WITH IT.
I DON'T GET THE SENSE HE'S A FRUMP SUPPORTER.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO SHOW THIS PHOTO, AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT, BUT CBS IS NOT GOING TO ALLOW MOW TO SHOW THE ENTIRE
PHOTO OF THIS PARTICULAR CAT PHOTO.
IT SAYS, "HAVING A GESTICULATING CAT OR A PENIS LAMP IS AN
ADVANTAGE."
I AM TRUSTING-- I AM TRUSTING, KNOWING HOW SQUEAKY CLEAN THIS
NETWORK IS THAT WE CANNOT SHOW A PLASTIC PENIS LAMP.
WHY DO YOU HAVE A PLASTIC PENIS LAMP?
>> WELL, MY EX-HUSBAND, MY DAUGHTER'S FATHER, GAVE IT TO ME
FOR CHRISTMAS ONE YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) TO REMIND ME OF HIM.
PROBABLY NOT FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: TO REMIND YOU OF HIM.
THAT IS A VERY SMALL PENIS.
>> I TAKE THAT BACK.
BECAUSE OF THAT EXACT ISSUE THAT YOU JUST MENTION GLD OKAY.
>> DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY CAN'T SHOW IT WHEN IT'S THAT
SMALL AND ALSO FUNCTIONS AS A SWITCH --
>> WHAT?
THAT'S THE SWITCH?
>> YES, THAT'S WHAT YOU FLICK UP AND DOWN.
THAT'S THE GENIUS OF THE LAMP.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
THAT'S,000 WORKS, I UNDERSTAND.
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I WORK FOR CBS.
"UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS," THIS IS THE FIFTH, YOUR FOURTH.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU WERE DOING "LOVE
AND FRIENDSHIP" A JANE AUSTIN NOVEL BEING ADAPTED.
NOW YOU'RE BACK IN THE LEATHER JUMPSUIT.
I CAN CALL IT A JUMPSUIT?
>> YOU CAN CALL IT WHATEVER YOU LIKE.
>> Stephen: YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT CORSETS IN THE OTHER
MOVIE.
>> I STILL GET CORSETS IN "UNDERWORLD."
I WE'RE A CORSET NEARLY AT ALL TIMES.
>> Stephen: AM I WEARING A CORSET NOW?
>> NO, BUT IT FEELS LIKE I AM.
>> Stephen: I AM.
NO PANTS BUT A CORSET.
>> YOU'RE LIKE THE IDEAL MAN.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU SPEAK RUSSIAN.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, IT'S NOT AN ACCUSATION.
>> OKAY ( LAUGHTER )
GLIFS HOPING-- I WAS HOPING YOU COULD SAY A FEW THINGS IN
RUSSIAN FOR ME, TEACH ME HOW TO SAY A FEW THINGS.
WOULD DO YOU THAT?
>> I WOULD.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU MIND-- ONE OF MY PRODUCERS SET THIS UP.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THEY ARE.
MY PRODUCER SET UP A FEW THINGS TO SAY IN RUSSIAN.
IF YOU COULD SAY THAT.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN RUSSIAN BY THE WAY.
>> I DID IT AT MIDDLE SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL, OXFORD UNIVERSITY.
>> Stephen: OXFORD UNIVERSITY!
I FORGOT...
( LAUGHTER ) VERY NICE.
VERY NICE.
>> EXACTLY!
>> Stephen: OKAY.
HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT.
( SPEAK GERMAN ).
>> Stephen: I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO PRONOUNCE THAT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> "NO, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MY WIFI PASSWORD."
>> Stephen: I CAN'T DO THAT ONE.
AGAIN, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> "MR. PUTIN, PLEASE PUT ON A SHIRT."
YOU'LL NEED THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
DO YODO YOU HAVE A SIMPLER ONE?
... TRUMP TOWER.
>> Stephen: I HEARD THE LAST ONE.
>> THE BEST BORSCHT IS MADE IN TRUMP TOWER.
>> Stephen: LET ME GET THE PUTIN ONE AGAIN.
>> YOU ACED IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU SAY
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE?
( LAUGHTER ) "UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS" IS IN
THEATERS THIS FRIDAY.
KATE BECKINSALE, EVERYBODY!