My name's Nate.
I'm married and stuff.
This is what marriage feels like, by the way--
what it feels like in here right now.
It's just one person talking, and the other's like,
"I'm gonna get out of here."
It's...
[laughter]
That's...
[laughs]
We--I'm from Nashville, and me and my wife,
we were in Nashville last summer,
and we went out on the lake with some of our friends.
And we were, like, floating around in the water,
and there was a guy in a boat, like, right next to us,
and my wife was like,
"Oh, that's my ex-boyfriend in that boat."
Now, I didn't know who he was,
so she didn't have to say that at all, you know?
She was just basically like, "Are you having fun?
'Cause I'd like to put a stop to that."
[laughter]
"And make you stare at this guy the rest of the day."
So I'm, like, staring at him,
and then I look at my wife, and she's staring at him,
and I feel like she's staring at him
to see what her life would be like if she didn't marry me.
So I started staring at him, 'cause I'm like,
"I want to see what my life would be like
if I didn't marry her," you know?
And we were putting-- we were putting
so much pressure on this guy.
And...
we--we stared at him for a while.
He did nothing exciting at all,
and, uh, you know, we looked back at each other
and just realized, "You know what?
We don't have a boat. That's the only difference."
My friends-- my friends were like,
"You should've went and tried to fight him.
Why didn't you go fight him?"
And I was like, "Well, I would've had
to swim over to that fight."
[laughter]
"So I don't know how intimidating that is,
for a guy to see a head and a life jacket floating his way."
And then I got to get in the boat, you know?
Like, have you ever tried to climb into a boat from water?
It's not aggressive.
It takes an hour if no one is in the boat.
Like, if he's in there, I'm never gonna get in.
I would need his help.
I'd be like, "Could you help me into this boat?
I can't tell you why, but I really need in this boat."
[laughter]
Me and my wife fight a lot, like normal--
you know, like, normal fighting.
It's easy to fight when you're married, I think.
Marriage and prison are the two easiest places
to start to fight.
Everybody's really tense and on edge, you know.
No one remembers why they got there.
My wife will get mad, like, when I hang out with my buddies.
She's always like, "Oh, you always have
"so much fun with your friends.
"You always laugh with them a lot.
You know, you never laugh that much with me."
It's like, "Yeah, I hang out with professional comedians."
[laughter]
It's a pretty good time, you know?
Like, they make jokes-- new jokes every day.
She doesn't make-- she doesn't make jokes ever.
She makes a lot of lists.
She does do lists, though,
just...a ton.
She's in charge, though.
She runs everything 'cause she knows everything.
Like, I don't know any stuff.
Like, I don't know--
I don't know how much money we have.
Like, could not even ballpark it.
I don't even know where it's at.
I don't even know how to get it if I had to get it.
What bank we go to? I don't know.
Like, you know, I can't get robbed because, like,
if some guy's like, "Let's go to the ATM," you know, it's like,
"Well, I guess we got to wait for my wife to get here."
[laughter]
She can't leave me, 'cause I don't--
like, I wouldn't know how to get stuff, you know?
Like, she can't even die.
If she starts dying, I'll die so much faster than her,
'cause I don't know what to do.
Like, I don't want to have to call her mom and be like,
"Hey, did she ever bring up bank stuff to you at all?
Did you ever talk about that?"
Or, "What did she do for a living?
"Do you know?
Yeah, what was her deal?"
[laughter]
My job is like, you know, like, you got to protect,
I guess, the house.
I guess. I don't know.
If someone comes in, we have--
I don't have a gun to protect us.
I have a pocketknife.
That's what I have next to the bed.
Like, that could do nothing.
I could hope to aggravate him at best, you know?
Like, I'd cut him, and he would just rip my shirt.
And then he would kill both of us.
That's best-case scenario with a--
I don't know how to use this knife in the middle of the day,
much less I'm gonna wake up out of a dead sleep
and have some kind of knife skill I've never had before.
[laughter]
So what we do is, we sleep strategically in our bed
to, like, prepare for an attack.
You know, like, I'm here; like, she's here.
She's, like, closer to the door, but...
It's--you know.
She doesn't even know there's a strategy, so...
[laughter]
It just-- [laughs]
So the plan is, is, like, the guy's gonna come in, right,
and she's gonna lunge at him.
She'll lunge.
She'll probably be like, "Oh, it felt like I got pushed,"
and I'll be like, "Well, you don't know what lunging means."
[laughter and applause]
She'll lunge.
She'll put up a good fight, all right?
At least a good enough fight
that I can be practicing with my knife on my side.
Just a little, you know, ready for him.
That's when-- [laughs]
We have a daughter now,
and so it's getting-- you know, 2-year-old daughter--
it's getting pretty serious between me and my wife now.
And it's-- I don't know.
I was living in New York when my daughter was to be born.
She was not born here, though. We flew home.
She was born in Tennessee.
I didn't want her to be born in New York.
You know, I don't need her growing up
thinking she's better than me.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, "You start where we start, all right?
No one gets a leg up in this family."
[laughter]
It was wild.
I remember, like, going-- on the way to the hospital,
I was, like, telling my wife, I was like,
"Look, I don't to see anything, all right?
It's gonna be gross."
I wished it was like the '50s,
when they didn't even let men in the hospital.
But it's not.
Now doctors are like, "Do you want to deliver the baby?
Why don't you do most of it?"
They just pull the baby out, and they're like,
"Here, cut the umbilical cord."
They just tell you to do it real fast.
I didn't take a class.
They just act like I'm the guy that cuts the umbilical cords
at the hospital.
I almost cut the wrong part.
Like, you know, I don't know what it is.
And they were like, "That's not right."
I was like, "Well, why don't you do it?
"You did go to doctor school for this.
"Why am I doing minor surgery right now?
"I mean, is it cheaper?
If it's not cheaper, I don't want to do it, all right?"
[laughter]
And then they just hand you your baby,
and they're like, "All right, I'll see ya."
Like, doctors are like--
Doctors are so unimpressed with birth.
And they're like, "Good luck."
I remember the first question I asked.
I was like, "How much do you feed it?"
It seemed-- [laughs]
It sounded like I was buying a hamster at a pet store,
where, like, "Do they figure it out on their own, or..."
The big message they tell you, they're like,
"All right, whatever you do,
let's just try not to shake this baby."
That's the number one goal.
And they tell it to you almost like,
"Obviously, you're going to want to shake the baby, but"...
[laughter]
"It would be just so awesome if you just did not
shake this baby."
And then I watched a video of a guy, and he was like,
"Here's what I do when I feel like I want to shake my baby."
Like, he was like, "I take walks, you know?
"I walk.
"I walk about 70 miles a day.
"I walk a lot."
[laughter]
"I've barely seen this baby."
And then I signed a certificate like I was in kindergarten
that said, "All right, I'm not gonna shake the baby."
Like, quit asking me.
I didn't even think of it till you guys brought it up.
I've never heard the word "shake" so much
in my entire life.
Like, that's all we talked about for three days.
And the first night we got her home,
I remember she was, like, crying for, like, six hours,
and you're, like, delirious and confused,
and I was, like, with my wife, and I was like,
"Wait, are supposed to shake this baby?"
Like...
[laughter and applause]
"Was that what they said to do?"
We didn't shake her, so...
I feel like I got to say that.
Like, you guys don't have to call somebody.
We have rocked her pretty hard, though,
but it's, you know...