-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching at home.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, today, President Biden returned
from his vacation in South Carolina and signed
the historic Inflation Reduction Act into law.
That's right. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, things have been going pretty great for Biden.
He may not have gotten the First Impression rose,
but he's working his way towards an invite to the Fantasy Suite.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Right after he signed the bill, Biden was like,
"What are those strange sounds?"
and a staffer was like, "That's applause, sir."
[ Laughter ] "Oh."
Experts say that it's the most significant
climate bill in U.S. history. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Trump -- Trump heard and was like,
"You'll definitely want to sneak that one home
when you leave office. Just put it in your --"
[ Laughter ]
"You're gonna want to sneak that one, yeah."
Meanwhile, as a precaution, Biden wore a mask
to the signing ceremony because, earlier today,
he was just with the First Lady who tested positive for COVID.
Let's see how that went.
[ Applause ]
-[ Coughs ]
[ Clears throat ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Sad tuba ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-After he signed the bill, everyone was like,
"No, you can keep the pen." [ Laughter ]
[ Coughing ]
"You sure?"
[ Laughter ]
Some more news from Washington.
Earlier today, Biden also announced
a new FDA rule that allows hearing aids
to be sold over the counter.
Yes. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yes.
Now you can walk into CVS, try on a few pairs,
and then realize someone else did that right before you.
"Ew, ew, ew!" [ Laughter ]
Yep, buying hearing aids has never been easier.
Meanwhile, deodorant still requires a prescription,
a retinal scan, three employees turning their keys
at the exact same time. [ Laughter ]
"We're in! Okay! You're gonna get deodorant."
Some news from overseas. I read that Kim Jong-un
and Vladimir Putin have been exchanging letters
vowing to strengthen their ties against the U.S.
Oh, man, you know that irks Trump.
It's like hearing your two best friends
are hanging out behind your back.
[ Laughter ]
I'll be honest, I'm not really sure Russia needs North Korea.
It's like a tambourine player saying,
"Hey, we should get the band back together."
[ Laughter ]
"Hey, you're in the band."
Speaking of Russia, the CDC just added them
to their COVID Travel Warning List.
Damn, so now you're telling me it's unsafe to travel to Russia?
Come on. [ Laughter ]
You guys see this? Thousands of pouches
of Capri Sun have been recalled because the juice
might have been contaminated with cleaning solution.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Yeah, and now they're actually rebranding it as
"Capri Sun Lysol Blast."
[ Laughter ]
Of course, customers are furious.
They're like, "If I wanted to drink cleaning solution,
I'd just buy a Dasani."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, over 200,000 Capri Sun pouches
are being recalled because they might be
contaminated with cleaning solution.
It's pretty serious. Watch this.
All it would take for someone to accidentally
drink cleaning product would be to -- you take your --
you get the pouch.
[ Laughter ]
-It's very -- -Stab it!
-This is very -- Yeah, I know, it's -- yeah.
It is very -- [ Laughter ]
You get this thing...
Watch how dangerous this is.
Anyone can just...
[ Laughter ]
-You need any help?
-Damn. Now the straw's bent.
[ Laughter ]
Anyone can -- This could happen to anyone.
[ Laughter ]
You happen to be around this type of jam, this is dangerous.
Can I get a scissors? You have a scissors?
[ Laughter ]
Thank you. Appreciate it. Thank you.
And anyone -- What? Anything could --
Can you help me, maybe? Just you help me.
If you hold it, maybe, Higgins, I can just --
'Cause this is dangerous stuff. And if you got,
especially kids hanging around...
-Try stabbing the -- -...anyone -- yeah.
Okay, yeah.
[ Audience "Ohhs" ]
-Aah! -Appreciate it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Check your Capri Suns, everybody.
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news. It was just announced that
Robert De Niro is starring in a new movie about two mob bosses,
and De Niro will play both of them.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's two hours of De Niro saying, "Am I talking to me?"
[ Laughter ]
"Am I talking to me?"
Yep, De Niro will play both mob bosses.
Right now, Al Pacino is at home, like, "Not cool!"
[ Laughter ]
Hey, we're just a few days away from the premiere of HBO's
new "Game of Thrones" prequel series,
"House of the Dragon."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And something you might have noticed from the trailer
is that all the characters sort of have the same hairstyle.
Check this out.
♪♪
-Yeah. Well, it makes sense when you
see this behind-the-scenes look into the show's writers room.
Watch this.
-Okay, okay. What is the dragon handler's
hair gonna look like?
-Long and blond.
-I love it. -Yes!
-All right! -I love it.
-Or -- Or, what about, like, short brown hair?
You know, change it up?
[ Laughter ]
-What'd you say?
-Short brown hair.
[ Marker scribbling ]
-What does this say?
-It says, "Y-You're fired."
-I'm fired? No, you're fired!
[ Pad thuds ]
Now get out!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-And, finally, everyone, it is Tuesday.
It is time for "WeTweet." Here we go!
-♪ WeTweet ♪
♪♪
♪ WeTweet ♪
-Welcome to "WeTweet."
This is where we, as a group,
decide something that we should post on Twitter.
I'm gonna show you five different tweets,
and we're all gonna vote on whether or not
you like each one.
You all have voting clickers at your -- at your seats there.
I can see the confusion. This is fantastic.
[ Laughter ]
Now you can vote for all of them,
you can vote for none of them. Whatever you want.
And we're gonna see the results live, right now, on the show.
Higgins, Roots, you have the clickers?
-Absolutely. -Got it. Clicking away.
-How was your average, Quest, on this?
-I vote yes on everything.
[ Laughter ]
-All right, so the average is pretty poor.
Higgins? -I vote no on everything.
-Wow. So your average is pretty poor.
-Well, yeah. -Well, I usually vote
yes on most things. But we're honest.
That's the whole thing, right?
We're being honest with each other.
Yeah, now, here we go.
Yeah, someone just gave me a thumbs up.
-Yeah. -But, no, that's not the way
it's gonna work. Green and red.
[ Laughter ] Okay?
-Green means yes. -Whatever tweet gets
the most likes, we will tweet it out live.
And then, if you all like it at home, you can WeTweet it.
[ Audience "Ohs" ] -Oh.
-It's a shared experience. All right, you guys ready?
Here, the first tweet is...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
"Who Let the Dogs Out"? -Yeah.
-I like it. -Yeah, I like it.
-I don't care for it. -Yeah.
♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪ -♪ Who, who, who who ♪
-Yeah. Who, who, yeah.
I don't know. I think this one's like 50/50.
All right. Votes are in.
Let's see the results.
[ Drumroll ]
Wow. Almost exactly.
[ Sad tuba ] -Wow.
-Almost exactly 50/50. -Yeah.
-But it is non -- it is a non-WeTweet.
-No, non -- -No, that's it. No.
-Who let the dogs out? Ha, ha ha ha.
-Yeah, here we go. [ Laughter ]
This next one here is...
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
All right. Yeah.
-You call them dumb. -Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah.
Let's see the results on this one.
[ Drumroll ]
Yeah, no, same thing. -Wow.
-Yeah, yeah. [ Sad tuba ]
The audience is very honest tonight, yeah.
They don't love it, they don't hate it.
They go, "I'm fine with it." -It's like, "Yeah, whatever."
-Indifferent. Yeah, here we go.
-This is a winner. -This next one, here we go.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-This one's gonna win. This one's gonna win.
-I think this one might be the one.
-Yeah. -This one might be the one.
Yeah. -All that technology.
-It was the biggest deal ever, and now -- yeah.
All right, let's -- -Like a Segway.
-Let's see the results. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah! -Oh, my God.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I love that you're honest! I love this!
-191! -I love my audience!
You guys are the greatest. Thank you.
You know when to give it up, and you know when to not give it up.
They're like, "Yeah, I'm saving it."
I agree with you so far. Next up, how about this one?
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Ooh. Oh, wait, the music's slow?
I mean, what is that? -It's thinking.
It's a thinker. -Yeah, I know, it's a thinker.
Yeah. No, this is gonna flop.
-Yeah, this is gonna be a big flop.
-No, this is gonna be disa-- this might be 100% no.
-Yeah, this might be exact opposite -- 191 no.
-You think yes? -I have faith.
-I know, but you said you say yes to all of them.
-Yeah, I do. -All right, well, let's see
the results on this one. [ Drumroll ]
Yeah, yeah, no. [ Sad tuba ]
I already know. The iPad's gonna be the winner.
-Yeah. -All right. But let's see.
We have one more. Here we go.
-Is this the last one? -It's the last one.
Here, how about this?
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-I like that one. -Yeah, people are
nodding their heads like the old "Muppet Show."
-Preach! -Yeah, it's like --
People are doing a lot of this.
I think -- -"Where am I?"
All right, we gotta beat 191?
-I don't thi-- It's gonna be close,
but I don't think it's gonna beat it.
-It's like 172. -Yeah, 172.
-I think this is 195. -Ha!
-Let's see the results.
-Oh! -Whoa!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Sax solo ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Sax solo ]
♪♪
[ Exuberant sax solo ]
♪♪
[ Song ends ]
[ Feedback, off-key notes play ]
-Oh, my God!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]