hey everyone and welcome to top think today we're going to learn about thirteen signs
you're dealing with a narcissist now let's begin number one heroes syndrome narcissists love to
tell stories just think about it when you tell a story everybody's paying attention to you and if
you tell it well well you'll have your audience eating out of the palm of your hand so it's no
surprise that narcissists can make some of the best storytellers but no matter what kind of
story they're telling narcissists have what I like to call hero syndrome they always make
themselves the hero of every story it could be a happy story about finding a lost dog or a tragic
story about a sick relative it really doesn't matter narcissists always paint the same picture
of themselves they're always winning they're never in the wrong and if anything bad happens they're
always the victims so don't let a good story fool you if you know someone who's never been
the bad guy they might be a narcissist number two stretching the truth back in 1938 a famous
psychologist named H amery discovered the first scale for human narcissism first he identified
two important parts of a narcissists personality everybody knows they're self-absorbed they exploit
other people and crave attention ah but there's something else narcissists are also incredibly
sensitive they can't stand criticism it makes them feel worthless and small narcissism actually
comes from this unique combination of anxiety and self-absorption that's why narcissists do things
like stretching the truth they emphasize their own importance to get attention and avoid criticism
they're worried about feeling inferior they're scared of losing their power so they do everything
they can to exaggerate their accomplishments for example if a narcissist tries to run a
marathon they'll lie and say they won the whole thing as long as they get a chance to stand out
narcissists will exaggerate anything they need to number three social reclusiveness 60 years
after Murray's discovery two researchers noticed a problem it turns out his scale only works for one
kind of narcissist you see Murray was right when he said there are two main parts of a
narcissistic personality they're self-absorbed on the outside while anxious on the inside but this
divide goes ever deeper psychologists realized that there are actually two completely different
kinds of narcissism the first is called overt or grandiose narcissism they're the obnoxious
self-centered narcissists that you're probably thinking of these are the people you'll find
stretching the truth and chasing the spotlight but the second kind does exactly the opposite
they're called coverts or vulnerable narcissists now while their counterparts adore the attention
vulnerable narcissists can't stand it in fact many of them hide from society as a whole they're
uncomfortable with socializing because they think everything revolves around them but not in a good
way they're convinced that everyone wants to shame or criticize them so they panic whenever they're
around other people so just because someone isn't aggressively looking for attention that
doesn't mean they're not a narcissist number four deficits in agreeableness so where do grandiose
and vulnerable narcissists differ the most well the most obvious place is personality have you
ever heard of the big five or the five factor model well basically every personality can be
broken down into five categories openness conscientiousness extraversion agree and
neuroticism now don't worry if you don't know what each category means we'll cover the important ones
as we go using the big five a pair of recent studies figured out what traits distinguished
narcissists from everybody else and from each other so what do you think they discovered your
first guess might have something to do with extraversion it's true that most narcissists
are introverts even though grandiose narcissists like being the center of attention they're always
focused on themselves but the biggest difference isn't extraversion it's agreeableness grandiose
narcissists have zero interest in getting along with others they're rarely helpful
and they hate making sacrifices instead they're super competitive and they're constantly picking
fights so unless they're in charge grandiose narcissists are a nightmare to deal with so if
you know someone who's always difficult they might be a narcissist number five sky-high neuroticism
what about vulnerable narcissists well they aren't nearly as disagreeable they usually keep
to themselves but they do stand out in their own way vulnerable narcissists score extremely high in
neuroticism that means that they're emotionally volatile they rarely ever relax and they get
stressed out way too easily imagine working on a project with someone who's overwhelmed the entire
time even if they're not fighting you every step of the way neuroticism can be just as frustrating
number six taking everything personally based on Murray's work another recent study designed a new
questionnaire it's called the hypersensitivity narcissism scale the difference is this one is
made specifically for vulnerable narcissists since vulnerable narcissism was discovered so
much later it hasn't received the same kind of recognition in fact it was left out of several
versions of the DSM that's the manual for mental disorders used by psychologists around the world
but this new scale changed everything it made it much easier to identify in research vulnerable
narcissists and its one main reason why so many more studies have come out in the last decade so
how do you measure a vulnerable narcissist well a go-to sign is that they take everything personally
every comment every gesture it all feels like a personal attack even if it has nothing to do with
them this is one of the most important subjects on the hypersensitivity narcissism scale it asks
questions like do you often interpret the remarks of others in a personal way if you strongly agree
there's a good chance you have some narcissistic tendencies number seven controlling parents
let's zoom out from the two different types of narcissism what do we know about narcissism as
a whole well researchers have spent years wondering where exactly it comes from like
psychopathy its origins are pretty mysterious but a 2006 study made a breakthrough they
discovered that narcissists don't just share the same personality traits many of them come
from similar families it turns out parenting style plays a major role most narcissists were
raised by really controlling parents now I'm not saying that strict parents automatically make you
self-centered but there is a pretty significant correlation number eight frequent name-dropping
we know grandiose narcissists can't resist showing off but the more successful they are oh the worse
it gets narcissists are especially guilty of name dropping name dropping is when you go out of your
way to mention someone important or famous that you know well you may not actually know them maybe
you just shook their hand one time like four years ago but that's not how a narcissist will tell the
story they'll make it sound like every famous person is their best friend why well because
they think knowing famous people means that you're cooler you're more interesting higher
class not to mention name-dropping makes you the center of attention so if your friend won't stop
talking about all the celebrities they've met the chances are they're just trying to feed their ego
number nine self-centered manipulation the seats comes naturally to a narcissist they
struggle to feel empathy or concern for anyone but themselves so if they want something they
don't mind manipulating other people to make it happen let's say you get a better grade than
your friend on a test they seem happy for you but deep down they're furious so the next time a test
rolls around they suggest going out the night before you want to stay home and study but they
convince you to have fun instead hey they don't care that less studying might affect your grade
in fact they're counting on it all they want to do is hurt your performance so they can get the upper
hand number 10 aggressive under the microscope in general narcissists hates being analyzed some
of them have low self-esteem others have high anxiety but none of them react well under the
microscope grandiose narcissists are particularly obvious about it when you criticize them they lash
out they throw insults they start arguments and they hold grudges that lasts for just think about
their ego like banana the tiniest criticisms will leave them broken and bruised if you've
got someone like this in your life you might be dealing with a narcissist number 11 going with
their gut in the mind of a narcissist no one is more reliable than themselves let's say you ask
them a hard question instead of doing research or asking for help a narcissist will always go with
their guts and they'll insist that they're right it doesn't matter if you've got science on your
side narcissists believe so strongly in themselves that they'll ignore anything that you throw at
them number 12 misdirected affirmations have you ever heard your friend raising their morale do
they say things like I deserve everything or I'm destined for success increasing your own
self-esteem can be a good thing affirmations for example have helped thousands of people build
confidence and self-discipline but there's a big difference between telling yourself and telling
the world narcissists don't use affirmations to develop self-esteem they're looking for
attention when they say I'm the best looking person in the room they expect you to agree
and if you don't you've probably got some dirty looks coming your way number 13 you just don't
get it if you know someone who's self-absorbed you've probably heard this phrase before when
you call them on something they don't apologize they don't reconsider they say something like
you just don't get it narcissists think they're a cut above the rest of us so much so that normal
people can't understand why they do the things they do that's why many narcissists strongly
identify with celebrities they see someone who's rich or powerful and think they're just like me
everyone else knows they're not but good luck trying to convince them otherwise hey thank you
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