Okay. I don't know why it took me so long to finally get around to this video. Ever
since I did Twilight way back like I dunno feels like 50 years ago at this point, people
have been very politely asking me to take a look at Fifty Shades of Grey. Now much like
the movie After AKA the Citizen Kane of our generation, Fifty Shades started out as fanfiction
then eventually turned into whatever this is. 'Cause like y'know everything nowadays
is just comic books or Wattpad so we're just really living in the darkest timeline here.
But anyway, I hope you all got yourselves a fresh pair of underwear 'cause you are not ready for this
The movie starts right off with our main character,
Ana Steele, a college senior who's in a bit of a situation at the moment because her roommate
is supposed to interview someone for a class but she got sick and now Ana has to do it
because y'know friendship or whatever. And so she makes her way down to Seattle and our adventure begins.
Right this way.
Y'know I sure am glad she tripped and fell just right first thing in the movie 'cause
like how else are we supposed to know if she's quirky and relatable or not. So after picking
herself up she finally gets to interview this guy, Christian Grey.
Um, so this is for the special graduation issue of the student newspaper.
Yes. I'm giving the commencement address at this year's ceremony.
Uh, you are very young to have amassed such an empire. To what do you--
To what do I owe my success? Yep.
Yeah so this is Christian Grey, the local 27-year-old billionaire who earned his fortune
doing like, y'know, business stuff. The key to my success has been in identifying
talented individuals and harnessing their efforts.
So you're a control freak? Oh I exercise control in all things Ms. Steele.
In fact I'll have you know I've been holding in the same fart for like 3 weeks now so.
. . yeah I'm single. But anyway the interview goes on and Ana keeps
doing that Bella Swan thing y'know where she's just like "deheh" the whole time, and Mr.
Grey over here starts to kinda turn the tables a little bit.
I would like to know more about you. You said you're an English major? What are your plans
after you graduate? I'm just trying to get through finals right now.
We offer an excellent internship program.
I don't think I'd fit in here. Look at me.
I am.
*barfing to death*
Anyway, so after this whole interview thing is over, Ana goes back home and then just
kinda y'know goes back to living her fascinating life of makin' out with pencils or whatever
she does. Now some days later. . . I assume, Ana's at her job at the local hardware store
and right then just outta nowhere you'll never guess who shows up.
I thought it was you.
And so as you can probably imagine y'know Ana's just kinda like "eHEH" but don't worry everybody she plays it off pretty cool.
So what we come to find out is that Christian's there to buy some cord ties, masking tape,
and a bunch of rope. MHMMM. And while they're going around the store picking all this stuff
up, Ana and Christian continue their wonderfully bizarre conversation from before.
That's impressive. Were you a Girl Scout?
Um, no. Organized group activities aren't really my thing.
So what is your "thing"?
Um, I don't know. Books?
Wha-wha-wait hold on a second here. You're
telling me this relatably awkward main character girl who's actually really pretty but like
totally doesn't know it, you're telling me that she reads books too?! Well, plot twist
of the century I tell ya what. So after this, Christian invites Ana to have some coffee
with him, and they end up talking about like family and that kinda stuff, y'know, but right
then all of a sudden Christian stands up and just kinda harumphs his way out of the coffee shop.
Do you have a girlfriend, is that it?
I don't do the girlfriend thing.
What does that even me--
Watch it!
I'm not the man for you. You should steer clear of me.
Goodbye Mr. Grey.
Psh, man I tell ya I tried the same exact
line back in high school and all the girl ever said to me was "Who are you again?".
Also I just gotta say, this is all starting to sound a little familiar. But anyway, so
to deal with the emotional stress of breaking up with someone she had two conversations
with, Ana goes to the bar with her friends so they can all celebrate the fact that it's
still 2015 in this world and they have no idea what's in store for them. And so later
in the night, Ana's feeling a little courageous for one reason or another and calls up Christian
while she's waiting in line to pee (genius move) and really just lets him have it.
Anastasia?
Yep, this is me.
Where are you?
Ohhh, I'm in line 'cause I have to pee really bad.
I want you to go home right now.
You're so bossy! "Ana, let's go for coffee. No, stay away from me. Get away. Come here, come here. Go away".
Now just to summarize the next sequence of events here,
Christian Grey gets upset that she's out with her friends, he finds out where
she is, shows up out of nowhere, and takes this 22-year-old girl who can barely even
stand up by herself all the way back to his hotel room.
Anyway, so the next morning Ana
wakes up in said hotel room, a little embarrassed
and confused about everything, and right then in walks Christian Grey straight from the gym--MHMMM--
and then we get this amazing conversation.
You need to eat. You shouldn't get drunk like that. I'm all for testing the limits but,
you put yourself at risk last night.
I know.
If you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week.
Pfff, HA! What?! What does that have to do with anything they were just talking about?
I don't like it when you go out with your friends and I can say that 'cause you're only
like 22 and don't know any better yet. Also slight tangent but if you were my girlfriend
you wouldn't be able to sit down ever again.
Well shoot sign me up. And then he eats her
toast? 'Cause like at this point why not. So anyway, as you can probably imagine, given
everything that's just happened y'know Ana's feeling kinda like "huh?", tries to figure
out what the hyuck is going on.
Why am I here Christian?
You're here because I'm incapable of leaving you alone.
Oh trust me you really should 'cause we went to Chipotle twice last night and uh, this
is gonna get real exciting real quick over here.
Listen to me. I don't do romance.
Haha! I mean. . . yes clearly. So the rest
of the conversation's basically just like "I'm a bad boy. You should stay away from
me". And then Ana's like "I can handle it. One time I put a whole bag of Warheads in
my mouth and only cried for a week".
What are you doing later?
I'm working at the hardware store 'til 7.
I'll have Taylor pick you up then.
Ahh. I would like to bite that lip.
Pfff, ha ha ha. I can't breathe! HA! I'm sorry,
could we please just run that one more time?
Ahh, I would like to bite that lip.
Ha what the--HAAAA! Anyway so moving on from that. So despite
everything that just happened, Ana is still somehow just really into this Christian Grey
dude 'cause y'know if there's one thing I've learned from doing all these movies it's that
you can say pretty much anything as long as you have a Gilette commercial jawline so,
y'know, good luck to the rest of us. Anyway so after work later that day Christian picks
up Ana in his helicopter and takes her all the way back to his cool Batman house, one
thing leads to another and Ana ends up signing an NDA that says she can never tell anyone
anything about her and Christian.
What's this?
It's a non-disclosure agreement. It means that you cannot discuss anything about us with anyone.
Which is so bizarre to me because like half
of my relationships I had to beg them to tell people we were actually together y'know and
stop introducing me as "Help this guy won't leave me alone", or "Why isn't my pepper spray working?".
But anyway, back to the movie.
Are you gonna make love to me now?
Yup this is definitely how a real person talks.
I don't make love. I FIRETRUCK.
And so like any 27-year-old billionaire, Christian takes Ana down the hall to show off his "playroom".
Oh my god.
Oh yeah sure the billionaire guy has a room
full of handcuffs and whips and that's cool and everything but I take a girl to my special
Sailor Moon room and suddenly I'm "pathetic" and "gross"? Yeah OK I see how it is. But
yeah so as you can probably imagine Ana's starting to wonder like what exactly she's gettin' herself into.
I have rules. If you follow them, I'll reward you.
If you don't, I'll punish you.
What would I get out of this?
Me.
Well, that does not sound like a fair trade
whatsoever. So as this is all unfolding around her, Ana's starting to feel a little overwhelmed
by everything y'know like the place, the room, the guy who almost never blinks like it's
a lot to take in. But then as they're talking it over and Ana's trying to process everything,
we get the big plot twist reveal.
I already have a contract prepared. We would
negotiate what you are and are not willing to try.
I wouldn't know.
What do you mean?
Because I have--I haven't--
You've done other things right?
No.
But men must throw themselves at you.
Y'know that phrase always cracks me up like just imagining some girl walking down the
street and all these guys are just like
But anyway so after learning this fascinating
information about Ana, Christian gets all excited and takes her down the hall to his
room so they can uhh y'know make paper snowflakes for 25 minutes. Now after waking up and having
her brain finally start working again, Ana begins to wonder if this whole whips and chains
Christian Grey daddy lifestyle thing is really for her.
How many women have stayed in here?
Fifteen.
That's a lot of women.
I told you before, if you want out
I don't want out I just, I'm not exactly jumping at the opportunity to get whipped and tortured
in your red room of pain. But all the same, he gives her a contract
and takes her back home and tells her to please consider signing away all of her freedom because
she is an English Lit major after all so, what else is she gonna do with her life? So
Ana reads the contract which is absolutely insane by the way, and decides to reject Christian
Grey's oh-so-generous offer. But then, the next day, guess what happens.
Christian!
It's been nice knowing me, has it?
You know, for a billonaire CEO this dude's got a lot of free time. But y'know, throughout
this whole movie he's always talking about consent and trust and "You can say no and
leave at any time", but when Ana actually does that he breaks into her apartment and
he's like "No one turns me down!". And of course Ana in her infinite wisdom somehow
is just like *heart eyes*. So they end up discussing the contract.
Page 1. Strike out my old address and replace with the new one.
An oversight. Duly noted.
Page 3, section 15-20. The submissive shall
submit to any activity demanded and shall do so without hesitation or argument.
Now long story short, the conversation pretty much goes like:
I want to be your girlfriend! I want you to be my slave.
Well, you drive a hard bargain, but OK fine. But more importantly this seems like the worst
possible place to read literally anything. I mean you might as well be hanging out in
a blanket fort with a flashlight like what's going on here. Anyway, so basically the rest
of the movie is just Ana going back and forth on whether she should or should not sign the
contract, and every time she's like "oh golly gee Mr. Grey maybe I don't wanna do this any
more", then Christian's like "oh yeah? Well check THIS out" and does something that would
never be attractive or sexy in real life or even in this movie really.
Where's my car? I told Taylor to fetch a decent price.
Christian this is way too much. Did you just roll your eyes at me?
Or like there's this part where Ana wants to visit her mom in Georgia for a few days
and Christian's like WHAAAT? OK fine I'll let you visit your mom but then you owe me
because I'm such a nice guy. And then he flies down to Georgia anyway to keep an eye on her.
Have the fruit salad.
What is it?
It's Christian. He's here.
Oh here here--
Mrs. Adams. Delighted to meet you. So like I gotta ask here, how exactly was
this so popular with women? 'Cause like, this all sounds like a nightmare. I mean imagine
dating a guy who has like, no life or hobbies or anything except for you, and every 2 days
he's just like "Hey, you wanna fly my airplane? Hey do you like helicopters? Hey you wanna
check out my rocket ship?". So this all goes on for a while, they keep goin back and forth
and eventually Ana's like "why are you so into this stuff anyway?", and Christian's
like "'Cause it's who I am okay! It's not just a phase mom!".
What if I told you that I feel the same way about being punished as you do about me touching
you would you still wanna punish me then?
No. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't need to.
Why?
Ana stop.
Why do you need to?
Because it's the way I am!
And the movie ends with uh, ahem Christian
whipping Ana and then Ana cries while it's raining outside because rain makes everything
more dramatic. And then we get the big emotional climax of the movie.
I'm not what you want.
No, you're everything that I want.
I've fallen in love with you.
Hoooowwwwww????
But then they break up anyway and go back to their normal lives and that's how the movie
ends? Whip, cry, break up, credits. This movie made 570 millon dollars, so. Follow your dreams
kids. Now usually at the end of these videos I kinda like to try to summarize my thoughts
on what we all just saw but after watching this movie all I can really say is: Huh???
So 50 Shades of Grey is one of those videos that people have been asking me to do for
a long time like I said in the video. I wasn't really ever sure that I was actually gonna
do it because like y'know of course I'd never seen the movie until now I never read the
book thank goodness but like everyone knows what 50 Shades is about right? Like it was
a huge thing a couple of years ago everyone knows what it was but then I figured like
I might as well at least watch the movie and then see if I can kinda like work around that
stuff kinda like y'know turn it into a joke or whatever and I was actually pleasantly
surprised watching this movie just how utterly terrible it is. The first Twilight movie is
not great but as a cheesy teen rom-com like it works. The thing about 50 Shades of Grey
is like, whether Christian Grey is or is not a vampire or whatever it is like that has
nothing to do with the movie nothing to do with the story at all so it's just the story
of this girl who gets a stalker and then like falls for her stalker boyfriend and then realizes
that she's in over her head and then they break up. Like there is no real story here.
There's no real conflict. There's no real anything. Because the thing that Bella Swan
had going for her was like y'know she was like 16 or 17 or whatever it is and then Edward
was y'know 109 but also 17 and just generally immature for some reason and so like y'know
being dumb and obsessed with the guy and like whatever like when you're a teenager in high
school everybody's dumb okay that's just how it is. And like I made jokes about Ana Steele
being y'know 22, 21 whatever it is and how she's also not that smart either but it's
like y'know when you're a senior in college going into the real world and then Christian
Grey is this 27-year-old billionaire like it's totally different than a vampire who
never grew up vs. a 16-year-old girl or whatever it is y'know what I mean like that's a totally
different thing. And the thing is too y'know Edward wanted to be with Bella because like
oh he loved her and they fell in love and they're like teenagers in love they just wanna
like love each other all day y'know but this movie it's not even a love story it's like
this dude just wants to like torture this girl and then she's like I might as well and
that's the whole movie like what is this how did people love this story so much like it's
not about anything! But anyway, thank you so much for watching everybody don't forget
to subscribe don't forget to ring that bell so you don't miss any videos from me, follow
me on Twitter let me know what was your favorite part of the video or or what video I should
do next or just say hi whatever that's fine too. Follow Charlie on Instagram @charlie_meets_pumpkin
Charlie has a Tiktok now @charlie_mom it's in the description below and above all else
everybody have a great day and I'll see you all next time.