You guys have awesome weather, a lot of weed,
and a lot of vegans.
There's a lot of vegans and weed in L.A., man.
Just a quick tip for the weed smokers.
Don't smoke weed at a vegan's house.
They never have anything good to eat
after you smoke the weed with them.
That happened to me a couple weeks ago, man,
I'm at this guy's house, it's two in the morning,
we smoke, I get hungry, I forgot he was a vegan,
I'm like "Yo man, you got any hotdogs in the refrigerator?"
And he got mad, he's like "I'm vegan," I'm like "I'm sorry."
He was like "We can whip something up."
So he started pulling all these vegan ingredients out.
Have you guys ever watched that show "Chopped"
on Food Network?
I felt like I was in an episode of "Chopped."
Like we opened the basket full of bullshit
(audience laughing)
and we had to figure out
how to make something delicious out of this.
I was standing there stoned, like
"Man, Bobby Flay is not gonna like this shit, man."
I'm never smoking with him again, man, for real.
Like I don't shit on vegans, I just don't like the vegans
that think they're better than people.
My sister's a vegan and she's the only vegan
in the whole Mexican family,
and she thinks she's better than us, and I hate it.
Look, my sister was in a gang in the 90s, all right?
She's got gang signs tattooed on her fingers.
I'm eating a pork tamale and she's in my face like this,
"Keep eatin' that bullshit right there.
"It's gonna fucking kill you one day."
I'm like "No, hanging out with you is gonna get me killed.
(audience laughing)
"Just stop with all the gang signs and shit, man.
"Have some respect for Ma's tamales, what's wrong with you?"
About to get the house shot up on Thanksgiving, man.
And like family members are bringing dishes over,
and she has to tell everybody.
"I don't eat that anymore, I'm vegan.
"Nope, I don't eat that anymore, I'm vegan.
"Nope, I don't eat that either."
And I finally get mad, I'm like, "You know what?
"You got your GED just like the rest of us,
"you didn't do shit with your life.
(audience laughing)
"You just became a vegan, calm down."
She likes to give me the animal thing, too, you know.
I'm eating fried chicken, she's like,
"You know what they did to that poor little chicken?"
I'm like "People get shot in this neighborhood every day,
"I ain't worried about no damn chicken."
(audience laughing)
Said, "They tortured it."
I'm like, "Talk to Popeye's.
"I didn't do shit to this chicken.
"I had a coupon, I was hungry, I went to the drive-through."
And like she shops at Whole Foods, right?
Vegans spend a lot of money on food, right?
So one day I pick her up from work,
I've never been to Whole Foods, I pick her up from work,
we're on our way home, she's like, "Stop at Whole Foods."
So I pull up in the parking lot, I put the seat back, right?
She's like, "You're not gonna get out?"
I'm like, "Hell no, I don't have all the money,
"I heard about that place.
"I'm gonna chill in the car."
She's like, "I'm gonna be a while."
I'm like, "Do your thing, whatever,
"I'm gonna sit in the car."
So she took long, about 45 minutes went by, so I was like
you know what, let me go inside Whole Foods,
and I'm not gonna lie, I finished the little half a joint
that was in the ashtray before I went in,
'cause I'm not going to buy anything,
I'm gonna treat it like a field trip, you know?
Like just walk in like whoa, look at all the cool stuff.
(audience laughing)
I can't lie, man.
The Whole Foods is the happiest grocery store
I've ever seen in my life.
I've never seen so many happy white people shopping
at one time, like the door's open, I was amazed,
like yo, this is crazy!
I felt like I was in a musical for a second.
(audience laughing)
There was a guy, he had a pineapple in a basket,
he skipped by me like this like, "Hello, how are ya?"
I was like oh!
You don't see this at Aldi, this is awesome!
People at Aldi fight, right?
For that empty box.
It's my empty box, kiss my ass.
It's my empty box.
I took the last roll of toilet paper out of it!
I'm like all right, I'm gonna go over here
and get some fruit, how much can some organic apples cost?
I like fruit, right?
Man, I bought $13 for six apples!
I was staring at 'em like what the fuck do these apples do?
I stopped the guy that worked there like,
"Yo man, if I eat one of these apples,
"how long am I gonna trip for?
"Eight hours, nine hours?"
I'm like, "I'm going to Lollapalooza next week,
"do I eat half of this shit?
"I don't wanna get too fucked up."
See, and he broke it down to me.
He's like, "Those are organic apples, all right?
"Hand picked."
I was like all right, sorry, broke it down.
So I bought the apples.
And I had to buy something, they got me on camera
just walking around talking shit for 30 minutes.
(audience laughing)
On camera just (mumbling).
So I bought the apples, took them home, whatever.
This is when I realized organic fruit looks way different
than the regular fruit that I get
at the little Mexican store in the neighborhood, right?
Organic fruit got like this dirty, rustic look to it.
Like they just picked it off a tree two seconds ago.
See, I don't like that.
I like that shiny pesticide coating on my apple
(audience laughing)
where you can see your fucking reflection in it, right?
Hell yeah, bro, my eyebrows are tight.
Those are the apples I'm used to, man.
So check it out, the next day my father comes over, right?
My father doesn't speak any English, right?
He comes over like (speaking in foreign language)
I'm like, "Oh, what's up, pops?"
He sits down, I'm making my dad a coffee.
I turn around,
I realize that my dad's eating one of my organic apples.
Now I love my dad,
but he should've ate one of the cheaper ones.
(audience laughing)
Like I'm saving that for Lollapalooza,
you're eating one of my fucking magic apples.
(audience laughing)
So I went off on him in Spanish, I'm like
"Papa, what the fuck you doing with my manzana?"
And he's like, "Oh shit, I didn't know it was yours,
but it's delicious."
I'm like "Oh damn, you didn't speak English earlier.
"That's why them apples were so expensive.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "That apple taught you English!"
He's like, "Holy shit, it sure did."