Rob Corddy. [cheers and applause]
(Rob) A couple years ago,
my wife and I--we, we bought a house.
My favorite feature was that
lining the front of the property
was a fence.
This fence had a motor.
Right? Yeah.
This was a Hot Rod fence.
And there was a button at the end of the driveway
and if you pushed that button,
the gate in front of the driveway, it opens.
And if you press that button again,
it closes.
So I was outside one day at the end of my driveway,
just hitting the button. [mimics gate opening]
Pvvvvvvvuh. Pvvvvvuh.
Just passing the time opening and closing my gate.
When my next door neighbor peeks over her fence.
She says, "Hey. Enjoying your fence, huh?
"You know, I--I told the former owner...
"that fence is over height.
It's too high, it actually violates zoning regulations."
So I said...
"Why don't you mind your own business,
you old, dried up bitch? Who asked you?"
Is what I should have said. That's what I should have said.
Now, I didn't think much of it.
And then about two weeks ago, I'm--I'm walking out
my front door, maybe gonna squeeze in some mid-afternoon
opening and closing of the gate.
And I see that my fence...
got a ticket.
[laughter]
That's right.
Somebody from the zoning board, probably, uh,
probably one of the zoning board cops,
pulled over my Hot Rod fence and gave it a ticket.
Now, I like to imagine when my fence was pulled over,
that it was like kind of a dick.
You know, that it was like, all cocky
kind of belligerent.
The zoning board guy pulled him over,
he's like--walks up.
Zoning board cop's like,
"You know why I pulled you over today?"
My fence is like, "Pffff. 'Cause you went
to a state school, can't find a better job?"
High fives the mailbox! [laughter]
And so this is where--this is the point where my wife
smashes into the story like some human-sized
pitcher of Kool-Aid.
And she's like...
"It was that coughing bitch next door who turned us in."
Quick sidebar.
The woman next door, our neighbor in question,
has emphysema--ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Not cool.
So I said to my wife,
like, "What are we gonna do, Confront her?
I mean, she has emphysema."
And my wife's like, "Oh, I'll give her emphysema."
And I was like, "No, no, no. You don't have to.
You know what, she's got it."
She's got the thing.
Uh, so, I mean, that was it.
There was nothing we could do except tear the fence down.
Um, that's right.
I'm sorry but about-- about a month later,
I'm at work and I get a call from my wife.
"Hey! Hey, what's going on?
"Sorry to bug you at work. Just a quick question.
How do you un-send an email?"
[laughter]
And I was like, "Super-easy.
"To un-send an email, all you do
"is live in 1994 when we're all in dial-up
"and that was even a remote possibility.
Why do you want to un-send an email?"
And she's like, "Oh, God.
"So today, I get an email from our dying lady
"next door, and she's like, 'Hey, keep an eye on the people
"'that live behind you, 'cause they're doing
"'some work on your retaining wall
and it might affect the slope of your backyard.'"
"So," my wife is saying, "I forwarded that to you
with a note that said, 'See?'"
And I am quoting my wife directly now.
"See?
"This proves that it was that know-it-all [bleep]...
[laughter]
who turned us in for having an over-height fence."
And I was like, "Baby, I didn't get an email from you."
And she was like, "I know,
because instead of hitting 'forward,' I hit 'reply.'"
[laughter]
"So what do we do?"
"It's super-easy. All we have to do is move."
And I was like, "The only other thing
we could do is kill her and make it look like emphysema."
So my wife, she walked next door
and knocked on the door and apologized face-to-face.
- [whistle] - Yeah.
High road. [applause]
So I learned that day that that's what you do.
You take the high road. You apologize...
to someone's face.
I also learned from my wife
that when you do so, it'd be helpful to have
your newborn baby in your arms as you do it.
She was like, "Oh, my God.
"I am so sorry.
"Can you please find it in your heart
"to--oh, did you hear that?
Someone's got the hiccups!"
Thank you, everybody. [cheers and applause]