One of you recently asked "What age should a teenage girl start dating?"
There's a lot of considerations. Let's go over 4 of those today.
You know, Vicki, it's interesting how this comes up in the questions and
comments that we get here on the channel. "What age should I let my daughter start
dating?" -Yeah. -That word let is interesting, isn't
it? -Right. -It implies control. And really we can't really control at that age what
they do. So, what we do control is the rules, the limitations. -Right. And you as a
parent get to set those up. Get to "I need to" -And it's your kids that get to decide
whether they're going to cooperate with those rules and limits that you've said
as a parent. I think that's an important acknowledgement right up front. Let them?
Well, let's set appropriate rules and guidelines. We'll give you those
considerations here today. And then accept that there are some things you
control and other things you don't. The reason this is so important...
I know sometimes we'll tell our kids "You can't do this." -That's like a
challenge. -And it's also a lie. -Right. Because usually the thing you told them
they couldn't do, what you mean is you're not giving permission for them to do
that. -Right. -And that's different. So, we'll probably come back to that in
just a minute. -Maturity is a big issue. We've talked so often about stages
versus ages and really maturity. Yeah, maturity for dating is kind of a similar
thing. There are many children who at the age of 16 or quite mature and ready to
take on relationships with boys. Since we're talking about girls, right? You know,
in more of an intimate way. There are many that are not. So, you're definitely
going to want to look at the maturity of your child. -And it's not just your own
child. Because dating implies.. -At least 2. -Takes 2 to tango, right? And
the maturity of the people that your kids are considering dating is another
thing that we have look at as a parent. So, you might, for
example, if your daughter is of an age that you think and a maturity that you
think is appropriate for dating, who is it that's asking her out? And is that
person of a level of maturity that you can feel comfortable with? And I think
this goes two ways, Vicki. I can see that sometimes there might be a very immature
teenage boy that wants to date you're fairly mature teenage daughter. Well, that
might not be a great fit. But what if it's someone who is much older than your
teenage daughter? Are you going to be okay with that? And notice we're not telling
you should do this or you shouldn't do that. These are the considerations
that I think you get to take into account as a parent. And it's alright for
you to set limits around that. Let's go back to that for just a minute, can we? In
the first consideration when we were talking about control, you don't control
whether she is going to go out with this boy or not. You get to control whether
you give permission for her to go out with this boy or not. And there are
consequences attached who are doing it without permission. -Right. Making that
distinction, I don't think it's helpful for example to forbid your daughter from
dating any particular person. What happens when you forbid? -That
just sets up a chance for rebellion. -Chance for rebellion but it also
sometimes increases the allure of that relationship. It's like, "Ooh, taboo. Let's go
there." So, be aware of that and be cognizant of that as you set up the
rules and limits. Now, you've made it to this part of the video without us
actually telling you what age you should let your teenage daughter start dating, right? We
did another video that was very specific to that. You can cue that up to watch
next where I compared this to Neapolitan ice cream. -I remember that. -Just like
there are different levels of responsibility and maturity, there are
different kinds of dating. And I used in that video the example of the vanilla.
Part of Neapolitan ice cream. Vanilla dating is group dating.
Getting involved with larger groups in activities that help them to start to
socialize and connect. And the ages that I attach to that are about age 12 up to
about age 15. This is vanilla dating. And there... -And now here we just go back. Did
you assign those ages randomly or is it with typical development? -We do
everything on purpose here. This has to do with the developmental stages these
kids are going through. And that's quite a wide range. It's a big difference
between a 12-year old and a 15-year old. -Yeah. But emotional maturity emotional
development, you're not really ready for some of the very intense feelings that
might come with an intimate relationship. And so, we're doing this in more of a
group setting. And that just goes along with developmental norms. -And this is
supported by clinical experience and research that's been done in the area. So,
that vanilla stage of dating, there's no pairing off. There's none of the
intensity that comes when there's more of the closer intimate connections
that are occurring. Now, let's go to strawberry. Strawberry I feel this for
ages 16 through about 19. And so these older teenage years are when they can
step it up a level. And they're pairing off for the date, not for eternity, okay?
They are still dating different people but during the date, they're
pairing off to have a different kind of an experience than they have one it's
just the vanilla dating. The big group experience. And I feel that this is
appropriate for ages about 16 through about 19. And then we go to chocolate. And
chocolate is courting. -That's pairing off more looking for a life
partner. -Right. Pairing off for the wedding. They're not getting married yet
but they're going steady or they're dating exclusively. And I think that this
should be reserved for later teens and early 20s when they've got the emotional
charity and they've got the life experience that allows them to actually
make important decisions about a life partner. That's a different kind of
dating. So, we've given you some ages now to wrap around, "Okay, where do we set
the limits and how do we structure this for our kids?" And watch the other video
too because I think that's going to give you additional ideas. -Key to all of this
is to keeping that communication line open with your teenage child. We want
to always be able to be approachable as they're experiencing new relationships,
new feelings, new emotions. They're going to be confused. This is also different.
And they're going to make mistakes sometimes. Or they're going to be hurt or
they may hurt somebody else. And being approachable makes it more likely that
they're going to come to you to talk about those situations so that you can
kind of add your own moral compass into it. You know, that's what part of
parenting is about. I'm not saying that I'm doing it right all the time.
But I get to expose to my child the moral compass that I choose to expose
them to. And so this is my opportunity by keeping those lines open. -They need you
as a parent. Put the relationship before the rules. And that might be a mantra,
actually. Relationships before rules. But still rules. You are the parent. Set those
limits appropriately based on the considerations that we've shared with
you and others that occur to you as you watch this video. You've got this there's
lots of challenges as a parent. There's also lots of resources. And if you
haven't connected yet to our Parenting Power-Up or the free discovery call that
you can get on. If you want to take this to a higher level, you can do that right
now. There's some links in the description. We would love to be on your
team.