- If you find that you always need to raise your voice
or ask over and over again
before your toddler will listen to you,
it might be because you've actually trained them to do it.
Now, you might be thinking, "That's ridiculous.
I try to teach them to listen to me, not to ignore me."
But just bear with me as I explain
because although no one deliberately teaches their toddler
to ignore them,
it's really easy to fall into a pattern of behavior
that does so unintentionally.
Here's a quick example.
Often when we ask our toddlers to do something,
it goes something like this.
You calmly ask your toddler to do something
and you continue what you're doing.
Not long after, you notice they haven't done as you asked.
So you calmly ask again
and maybe a little bit more firmly this time
and you give them a minute.
Then you notice once again that they still haven't done
as you've asked and frustration kicks in
and naturally you raise your voice
or your tone changes into your serious voice
as you walk over to them and you stand over them
until they do as you ask.
If this is what happens every time,
your clever little toddler
is soon going to recognize the pattern,
which is it isn't until you raise your voice
and you've asked them multiple times
that they actually have to follow through with the request.
They learn that they don't actually need to respond
until that point.
So if you want to change this behavior
and get them to listen and respond the first time,
there are a few things you need to do.
First of all, there should be a consequence
if they don't listen the first time.
Not the third or fourth time,
it needs to happen the first time.
Now, putting consequences in place isn't enough.
In order for them to be effective,
you need to be in the position
to give your toddler your full attention
when you ask them to do something.
You should avoid asking them to do things
when you are distracted or busy doing another task
because you need to be able to ensure
those consequences take effect if they don't listen.
In addition to you being fully present with your toddler,
you also need to make sure your toddler
is fully present with you.
Now, I know that is hard
because toddlers are so easily distracted,
but you need to have their full attention.
And that may mean that you need to turn off or pause devices
or physically pick up the toys that they are playing with
to get their attention.
Once you have your toddler's attention,
crouch down so that you are level with them
and then give them the instruction.
And as your toddler is still learning what words mean,
it's really important to keep those instructions short
and to tell your toddler what you would like them to do.
So try and avoid telling them what not to do.
For example, if they're doing something
you don't want them to do, don't say, "Stop doing that!"
or "Don't touch that!"
What you will find
is that you'll actually get a much better response
if you tell them what you would like them to do
instead of telling them what not to do.
So, for example, you might say to your little one,
"Please put that back on the shelf
and choose one of your other toys over there to play with"
or "It's time to pack away now.
Please put your cars back in the box."
Or "Please give this video a thumbs up
if you're enjoying it."
Before we cover what you should do next,
while we're on the topic of your toddler learning to talk,
if you haven't already,
make sure you click on the link below
to get the free Communication Milestone Chart
which will give you an invaluable piece of mind
as you'll know how many words you should be expecting
from your little one,
as well as how clear their speech should be
from one year of age all the way up to four years of age.
In addition to telling your toddler what to do,
you want to make sure that you avoid phrasing
your instructions or requests as questions
as your toddler may feel like they have the option
to say no.
So for example, if you need to get in the car
to go to the shops, instead of saying,
"Do you want to go for a car ride?"
simply say, "It's time to get in the car."
Also, as you may have already noticed,
toddlers are strong-willed individuals
and they want to exert some independence
and feel in control
so you can help them feel
like they have some sense of control
by simply telling them what's going to happen next.
Just telling them what they can expect
can make a really big difference in their overall behavior.
And in addition to this,
if you need them to do something that they don't want to do,
you can try and follow that non-desirable activity
with something that you know they will enjoy
and tell them about that desirable activity
that is coming up.
So for example, most toddlers hate picking up their toys
and are likely to resist or complain
if you were to say, "Time to pack up your toys."
But if you were to tweak that slightly and say,
"First, pack up your toys and then park,"
your toddler is much more likely to pack up
those toys quickly with minimal complaints.
After you've asked your toddler to do something,
make sure you give them time to process what you have said
and respond and let your toddler know that you are waiting
by simply looking at them while you remain close by.
Now, if your toddler doesn't respond to your request,
maybe they just didn't understand what you expect from them.
So make sure you model the desired behavior
to help them understand.
So let's use the example of asking your toddler
to pack up their toys again.
You can model this by getting the toy box
and putting one of the toys into the box.
Then you pause and wait for them to copy your action
and start putting the toys away.
And when they start putting the toys away,
make sure you praise them by saying something like,
"Great work putting the blue car in the box."
Now, if your toddler still doesn't respond
to your instruction even with that modeling,
make sure you pause and then explain to them
what the consequences are for not following through
with your instructions.
So for example, if your toddler throws their car
and you say to them, "We don't throw cars.
We drive cars along the floor
and if you don't play safely with the cars,
then Mommy's going to put them away."
And if they continue to throw cars, then you act promptly
and calmly and state, "You're not playing safely
with the cars and now the cars are going away."
And then you pick up all the cars and put them in a box
and out of reach.
In this case, the actual consequence
of not following through with your instructions
is that the toys actually get put away
because they're no longer playing safely.
Now, just a little warning here.
If you are in a pattern where you have to yell
before your toddler listens to you
and you aren't currently using consequences,
then this will probably be quite difficult
when you first try it.
Following through with consequences will most likely lead
to your toddler protesting and crying,
but the key is consistency and following through.
It's important for them to know that when you say something,
you will follow through and it may take a little time,
but if you follow all of these steps
and, most importantly, you are consistent,
your toddler will start to respond
the first time you ask them to do something
and you will avoid the need to resort to yelling.
And this will make for a happier household
and a toddler who has less tantrums.
Now, if you want to further reduce the number of tantrums
your toddler is having,
then make sure you check out this video next
where I share the most common triggers for toddler tantrums
and most importantly, 10 tips that you can do right now
to reduce the number of tantrums
your little one is having each day.
Thanks for watching
and I will see you next week
where I'll share more parenting tips and tricks.