LAST TIME ON JOURNEY TO THE WEST!
Our heroes reached the beautiful Western Kingdom Of Women, a thriving empire entirely devoid
of men!
Pigsy and Tripitaka found themselves temporarily inconvenienced when an ill-advised water break
left them both expecting a whole world of reproductive pain!
Sun Wukong retrieved the magic springwater to terminate their predicament and our newly-unburdened
heroes gingerly trekked westward once more, soon finding themselves guests of the empress
herself, who became smitten with Tripitaka and arranged for them to be wed!
Mere moments after the Monkey King extricated Tripitaka from this political entanglement,
the misfortunate monk was abducted by a vicious scorpion demoness with dastardly designs on
his buddhist buns!
With the help of a celestial giant rooster, which I could have rephrased but chose not
to, the scorpion demoness was defeated and Tripitaka was saved.
Handily extricated from this empire of entanglements, our heroes are once more free to continue
their…
Journey to the West!
So our heroes are trekking westward, and, perhaps unsurprisingly, speed is becoming
a bit of a concern with the gang.
The journey has been progressing at, shall we say, a leisurely pace and Pigsy tries to
speed things along by encouraging the horse to motor a little.
The horse is unimpressed, so sun wukong takes a crack at motivating him - and discovers
a fun bonus to having once been Heaven’s official horse-master, the Pi-Ma-Wen, as even
though the horse is actually a dragon, Sun Wukong has official bureaucratic control over
him, and at his command the horse tears off at high speeds, towing the unfortunate Tripitaka
along with him.
As the gang pursue at a slightly-better-than-leisurely pace, Tripitaka finds himself in a fun new
predicament, as the horse runs them straight into a bandit ambush.
Bandits, as is their nature, demand money, which is a problem because for religious reasons,
Tripitaka has no money.
The bandits don’t like that very much and knock him around a little, and Tripitaka makes
the tactical decision to lie for the first time in his life, telling the bandit leader
that his disciple will be along any minute and he’s definitely carrying money.
The bandits tie him up while they wait for his disciples to come give them exactly what
they deserve.
The gang catches up but Monkey spots the bandit situation and tells the others to stay put
while he handles it.
Then he turns into a young monk and strolls into camp to see what all the fuss is about.
Tripitaka tells him he told the bandits he had money and Monkey’s like “ah, genius!
Tell that to more bad guys, it’ll give me a lot more to do!”
The bandits circle up on Monkey and let Tripitaka go, so Tripitaka immediately hops on the horse
and books it - unfortunately in fully the wrong direction.
He’s spent so much time heading west you’d think he’d be better at it by now!
Anyway, Monkey recommends he and the bandits split the money and, when they assume he’s
looking to profit when his master isn’t looking, he clarifies that he has no money
- he means they’re going to share their bandit loot with him.
The bandits attack, and only then that Tripitaka realize that leaving Monkey unsupervised with
a crew of ne’er-do-wells is guaranteed to end badly, and he tells Pigsy to rush over
and stop Monkey from killing anyone.
Pigsy returns with good news!
The bandits have disbanded!
From a certain point of view.
On account of how they can’t be bandits if they’re not alive anymore.
Sure enough, Monkey has killed two of ‘em and the rest of the bandits have run off.
Tripitaka is very unhappy about this and insists on giving proper funeral rites for the dead
bandits, and as he prays over their graves he asks them to lay the blame for their deaths
solely on the one guy responsible and not any of that guy's innocent friends, which
Monkey thinks is very funny because he only killed those bandits for Tripitaka, and if
he didn't need to protect his hapless monk so much they'd still be alive.
He knocks on their graves and tells the dead bandits to complain to whatever gods they
want - he’s on a first-name basis with all of ‘em and most of ‘em are terrified of
him so good luck getting an impartial judge to arbitrate that.
Tripitaka’s pretty thoroughly seething at this point, and nobody’s happy when they
bunker down for the night in a nearby village.
Tripitaka asks a friendly old man for shelter and asks him to please ignore his absolutely
terrifying disciples, and after a little hesitation the old man and his family agree that it's
probably okay and take them in for the night.
The old man and his wife tell the gang that their family is a little bit splintered at
the moment - the kid and the woman staying with them are actually their grandchild and
daughter-in law respectively, and the kid's father, their son, is a tragically misguided
soul who lost his way and took to banditry.
Some very awkward tea-sipping ensues until Monkey cheerfully volunteers to kill him for
them, but sadly that elegant solution is vetoed because the old man doesn't want to lose his
only son.
And fortunately it's not too late, because their son was not one of the two bandits Monkey
already flattened!
Unfortunately he leads the rest of the still-kinda-panicking bandits straight to the old man's house and,
upon spotting the horse outside, realizes their enemies are literally right where they
want 'em.
The bandits make some plans to kill the gang in their sleep, but first they settle in for
a hearty dinner - the third most important meal of the day, after breakfast and revenge.
The old man takes the opportunity to sneak away and warn our heroes, so they quickly
bundle everything up and sneak out the back.
When the bandits realize they're slipped away they pursue, catching up with the gang around
sunrise, much to Tripitaka's dismay.
Monkey's like "Hey, don't worry, boss, I'll take care of this."
"Nonlethally, right?"
"…" "…Nonlethally, right?"
"Can'thearyoubyeeeee" So Sun Wukong does what he does best: incredible
violence.
He just kinda kills most of 'em, has one of the survivors identify the old man's son among
the bodies, and decides the optimal solution is to behead the body to show Tripitaka, because
I guess he thought that was a good idea?
Obviously Tripitaka is incredibly upset about this and recites the migraine spell while
Pigsy buries the bandits.
When Tripitaka finally stops, he tells Monkey he's done with him.
He's just done too many flagrant murders for Tripitaka to be cool with keeping him on as
his disciple anymore.
Monkey begs him to reconsider but he threatens to do the headache spell again and, taking
the hint, Monkey flies away.
He floats around aimlessly for a little while, considering his options - he doesn't really
want to deal with immortals, gods or or dragon kings and the monkeys at Flower-Fruit Mountain
will probably laugh at him.
In a way, he really doesn't fit in anywhere.
He briefly tries going back to Tripitaka again but this time he threatens to keep the migraine
spell going until Monkey's head explodes, so Monkey takes the hint and leaves… for
good.
Which is when he remembers that whenever there's trouble he can always just go to Kuanyin,
so he does!
He zips over to the Great Souther Ocean, says hi to Moksha and has a little good-natured
sniping with the now-reformed Red Boy.
They lead him to Kuanyin, who asks him to tell her what's wrong and to please stop crying.
Monkey tearfully explains the situation and how all he wants to do is help Tripitaka complete
his journey and achieve enlightenment for both of them.
Kuanyin points out that Monkey had a lot of options for dealing with those bandits that
weren't full-on murder, and he agrees that he was wrong - but he should've been given
a chance to do better rather than being full-on exiled for his mistake.
He plans to go to the Buddha to ask him to remove the golden circlet that binds him to
Tripitaka's quest, but before he can Kuanyin takes a quick peek into Tripitaka's future
and tells Monkey that Tripitaka will be in great danger soon - what else is new - and
he'll need Monkey's help to get out of it, at which point they'll reconcile and be able
to move on with the journey.
To the west.
Realizing he's not out of the story just yet, Monkey settles in and starts demolishing Kuanyin's
Ben And Jerry's.
Meanwhile, Tripitaka, Sandy, Pigsy and the horse are continuing westward, but Tripitaka's
getting a little hungry and asks Pigsy to go find him some food.
Unfortunately they're in the middle of absolutely nowhere, so Pigsy flies pretty far afield
and takes so long that Tripitaka composes a whole poem about how thirsty he is, which
I'm told is a common problem after a bad breakup.
Sandy follows Pigsy to hurry him up, and as Tripitaka is left sad and alone - suddenly
who should appear but Sun Wukong with a porcelain cup of ice-cold water.
He offers Tripitaka the water but Tripitaka absolutely refuses, denying that he could
ever need his help.
Sun Wukong says there's no way they'll reach the western heaven without him, but when Tripitaka
tells him to get stuff, Sun Wukong smashes the cup, whacks Tripitaka, steals their luggage
and flies away.
When Sandy and Pigsy return with some borrowed food and water they actually think he's dead,
but as Sandy tearfully cradles his body he realizes he's just been knocked out.
Tripitaka recovers and tells them that Monkey attacked him and stole their stuff.
They bring him to the house they got the food from so he can recover and Pigsy's fully on
the warpath and really wants to go after Monkey, but Tripitaka points out that Pigsy has never,
ever beaten Monkey and they fight all the time, so it'd probably be better if Sandy
went instead, and if he can't get Monkey to see reason, he should go straight to Kuanyin.
So Sandy flies to Flower-Fruit Mountain and finds Sun Wukong reading their travel rescript
aloud to a bunch of monkeys.
When he asks what he's doing Wukong doesn't seem to recognize him and has his monkeys
seize Sandy and drag him before him.
Sandy tells him that Tripitaka was wrong to exile him and he understands why he's angry,
and if he's not willing to come back with him to rejoin the group, could he at least
return all their stuff so they can continue on their journey?
At that, Monkey laughs and tells him he didn't take their stuff out of revenge - he needs
it for his own journey to the west.
After all, he doesn't need Tripitaka.
He never has.
He can do this whole journey by himself, and when he's done he'll be remembered forever
without any of these chumps hogging the spotlight.
He's just been doing his homework first.
Sandy says that won't work - Tripitaka is the chosen Scripture Pilgrim, the reincarnation
of Golden Cicada.
Tripitaka has to be the one to deliver the scriptures.
"That's fine," says Monkey.
"I got my own."
Sure enough, he presents identical copies of the rest of the group - Tripitaka, the
horse, Pigsy - and Sandy.
Enraged at the sight of his doppelganger Sandy leaps out and kills it - revealing it to be
an ordinary monkey, magically transformed.
Sun Wukong is enraged and orders his army of monkeys to attack, and Sandy fights his
way out and zips off towards the southern ocean to get Kuanyin's help.
Sun Wukong, meanwhile, has the dead monkey fried up for dinner, picks a new monkey to
be his Copy Sandy, and goes back to teaching them everything they'll need to know about
their…
Journey To The West.
Sandy touches down in the southern ocean, marveling briefly at its beauty before heading
in to talk to Kuanyin - and to Sun Wukong, who's just chillin'.
Sandy attacks him in a rage and Monkey dodges around, a bit confused, and asks him to please
enumerate his grievances before trying to kill him about it.
Sandy pumps the brakes and tells Kuanyin that after Monkey's bandit-murder-banishment he
attacked Tripitaka, stole their stuff, hijacked the entire premise of the plot and attacked
Sandy with an army of monkeys.
Kuanyin tells Sandy that that's impossible, because Sun Wukong has been with her this
whole time.
She's been keeping a close eye on him and he hasn't done anything even close to that.
Sandy knows what he saw, so Kuanyin tells him to take Monkey with him back to Flower-Fruit
Mountain to see what's going on.
Sandy is understandably suspicious the whole trip and doesn't let Monkey out of his sight,
but when they reach the mountain, sure enough, they see a second Sun Wukong, identical in
every way to the first.
Monkey is enraged at the impersonation and charges in, demanding to know who would dare
steal his face and his army of monkeys?
The two Sun Wukongs begin a spectacular battle, and while Sandy is now reassured that the
Sun Wukong who attacked Tripitaka was not in fact his trusted friend and comrade, but
this imposter - he now has the new problem that he can't tell which is which.
Sun Wukong - or at least, one of them - tells him to go tell Tripitaka what's going on,
and he'll lead the fight back to Kuanyin so she can tell which one of them is real.
As Sandy zips off the Monkeys continue to fight, shouting and insulting each other the
whole time.
Kuanyin goes out to see what all the fuss is about and Monkey - or at least, one of
them - tells her that Sandy's eyes weren't refined and enlightened enough to tell which
of them was real, but surely she'll be able to unravel this puzzle no problem.
Kuanyin and all the bodhisattvas in attendance stare for a long time, evidently unwilling
to be the first to admit that they have no idea which is which either.
Kuanyin has them separated and even tries the migraine spell, but it seems to affect
both of them equally and as soon as she stops they start fighting again.
Kuanyin says maybe the celestial warriors he fought when he wreaked havoc in heaven
will be able to tell them apart, so they fight their way up to heaven and fill the gods in
on what's going on.
But they have no luck either and the Jade Emperor has them shooed out of the hall, and
the Monkeys take their cartoon cloud of violence back down to earth to go see Tripitaka.
Speaking of whom, Sandy makes it back to the others and fills them in, and Tripitaka is
very upset to learn he wrongly blamed Monkey for attacking him when in reality it was a
demon in disguise.
They hear a commotion outside and see the two Monkeys, still locked in a furious mirror-match,
and Pigsy - who's wanted nothing more than a chance to really deck Monkey in the face
and sees this as an absolute win - immediately flies up to quote-unquote "help".
After trying the migraine spell one more time, which continues to not help, the Monkey go
back to fighting and zip down to the underworld to see if King Yama can tell which is which.
When they're gone, Tripitaka and Pigsy tell Sandy about Monkey's hidden cave in Flower
Fruit Mountain, which is probably where their gear is hidden.
Tripitaka tells Pigsy to go and get it while both Monkeys are distracted, because imposter
aside, Tripitaka is still angry at the real Monkey and has no intention of taking him
back as his disciple.
Ice cold!
Meanwhile the Monkeys fight their way into the underworld, absolutely panicking the ghosts,
and head for the ledger of the dead, hoping it'll clarify things.
Unfortunately there's no entry for "Fake Monkey King" and the whole thing is a little screwy
anyway on account of how Monkey himself sabotaged the ledger that one time so all the documentation
on monkeys it completely borked.
However, there is actually an option!
King Yama calls forth Diting, a monstrous dog-like being capable of telling trye from
false.
Diting listens carefully and actually gets something - he says he knows the name of the
false Monkey, but he can't say it and they can't help in capturing it.
See, the problem is the identity may be false but the power is real - the false Monkey is
actually as strong as the real one, and if he were revealed here he might absolutely
demolish the underworld in retribution.
Diting says the buddha can help, though, so the fight heads back to the surface and towards
the thunderclap monastery, where they arrive just in time to serve as a good bad example
in the Buddha's lecture on emptiness and understanding.
The Monkeys stop fighting, kneel, and explain the situation.
Kuanyin also rolls up to corroborate their story and explain that she couldn't tell them
apart and neither could all the gods in heaven and the underworld combined.
The Buddha explains that the problem they're running into is that none of them know everything.
He says that in the universe there are five kinds of immortals - celestial, earthbound,
divine, human and ghostly - and five kinds of creatures, short-haired, scaly, hairy,
winged and crawling.
However, in the whole universe there are four "spiritual primates" that do not fall into
any of these ten categories.
The first is good ol' Sun Wukong, the intelligent stone monkey who knows transformations, recognizes
the seasons, discerns the advantages of earth and is able to alter the course of planets
and stars.
Then there's the "Red-Buttocked Baboon", with knowledge of yin and yang, an understanding
of human affairs and the ability to avoid death and lengthen its life.
Then there's the "Long-Armed Gibbon", who can seize the sun and moon, shorten mountains,
distinguish auspicious from inauspicious and manipulate planets and stars.
And finally there's the "Six-Eared Macaque", a nearly-omniscient being with very sensitive
hearing, knowledge of past and future and comprehension of all things.
With all this laid out, Buddha declares that the false Monkey, who is clearly aware of
distant events in order to maintain his disguise, must be the Six-Eared Macaque.
The macaque, now exposed, freaks out and tries to run, but he's quickly surrounded, and when
he turns into a bee to try and escape, Buddha traps him under his golden alms bowl, revealing
his true form.
Sun Wukong, enraged at what the Six-Eared Macaque put him through, kills it, which upsets
the Buddha, but Monkey points out he was guilty of assault and robbery anyway and any court
would've had him executed regardless.
Which I guess is better!
Anyway, with the false monkey situation officially dealt with, The Buddha says it's time for
Sun Wukong to return to Tripitaka, and while Wukong is convinced that he'll never take
him back, Kuanyin goes with him and very kindly informs Tripitaka that the Buddha himself
says he was wrong to kick out Monkey and if he actually wants to survive the journey he'll
focus on helping Monkey become a better buddhist and disciple rather than just kicking him
out at the first sign of trouble.
Tripitaka takes the hint and accepts Monkey back into the gang, and with everyone filled
in on the Evil Twin situation, the bad blood has officially been dealt with and the gang
can continue their…
Journey To The West!
The heroic Monkey King has defeated his dark reflection, and our heroes, once shattered
by mistrust and manipulation, now present a united front against whatever dangers they
might face.
But will that unity be enough?
A burning mountain looms on the horizon, and beyond it a monstrous enemy that the Monkey
King once called brother…
our heroes will face perils old and new next time on Journey to the West!