Hey guys welcome back, thanks for joining me again this week so this week, I wanted to dive into
Passive aggressiveness, and I think that this is really important because I am going to raise my hand and say
that I definitely have experience that has a hundred percent, and I've also done this to some extent because
in the past I didn't always know how to deal with what I was feeling in the situation's I was in and
I think that this is such a common
Common thing and I think as you listen to this video you're gonna
I can 100% guarantee that majority of people watching. This is gonna say yes
I've experienced that at some point or
I've done this myself at some point and I think something like gas lighting and projection and while those things definitely
Happen I do think that sometimes
They're trickier to spot you really have to educate yourself on certain things you have to know the person that you're dealing with and you
also have to be very aware of
How you're feeling in that situation and understand the dynamic of what is happening?
And so if you don't have that kind of Education and self-awareness you may not know when someone is abusing you in that way
But with passive aggressiveness, I'm gonna go over
Really the key things that people will do when they're being passive-aggressive
There is a laundry list of stuff
But really these are the things that are the most common that happen to people so we've all
experienced overt
aggressive behavior, so we've all probably unfortunately
experienced you know yelling and screaming and
Blatant insults, you know these aren't passive insults. These aren't little jabs or nothing
They're just full-blown ouch that really hurt when you said that
Type of behaviors from people but passive-aggressive behavior as the word said is passive
So these are things that people will do as defense mechanisms, because they are tactics because they don't know how to really
Deal with what they're feeling and deal with the situation and so they've learned these types of tactics in order to
Get through a situation so either
they're going to do some of these things to completely avoid something or they're gonna do something almost as like punishment in a way and
Again, if you don't know about these things
Then you're never gonna know when someone's doing them to you so I think this is so so important to educate yourself on these things
Now if someone's choice of abuse is passive aggressiveness
There are some people that kind of you know take little bits of emotional abuse and are a little you know
Projecting here and there a little bit of gaslighting
and then we have some people that really love passive aggressiveness like this is their their drink of choice and
Dealing with these people. It is a hundred percent an emotional roller coaster one day
we're up when they were down when they were communicating and one day we're not and
One of the major signs of someone who's passive-aggressive is the silent treatment so this can really?
range from anything in terms of completely shutting down in the middle of
disagreement conversation
Argument, whatever had whatever have you um or this can be and I want to just clarify something cuz I had someone ask me this
Recently they said well
You know I tend to you know shut down and need a minute when I'm having a discussion with someone and that's not
passive aggressive because if you're feeling
overwhelmed in a conversation
and you're kind of going toe to toe with maybe a
Narcissist and they're just completely witty and know how to just spit fire at you
And you get overwhelmed in situations
Then it's fine to take a step back from a conversation and not speak for a minute
So you can kind of gather your thoughts and take a break?
but I do think that passive aggressiveness with the silent treatment with passive aggressiveness is more of a
complete shutdown so if you're honest with the person that you're dealing with and you say look I'm
Getting really overwhelmed in this conversation, and I need to just take a breath take a breather
And we'll tackle this in a minute or out of tomorrow or whatever that's fine because you're not avoiding something
you just need a distance you just need a break the silent treatment is the silent treatment like there's no talking about this we're
Completely shut down so the silent treatment really can be
someone
just shutting down in the middle of a conversation or
refusing to answer
Questions that maybe someone is asking them even they're blatantly not
Answering the question or now they're gonna try and like avoid it by bringing up a different topic or using other
Emotionally abusive tactics to kind of throw you off your game like perhaps
projection or gas lighting you know you never said that and all of these things so it gets tricky because
If you're with someone that is an emotional abuser and is does a lot of these different things
You're gonna go from projection to passive-aggressive to gas lighting to this to that and if you don't know about this stuff
It's gonna knock you out, and it's gonna exhaust you number one because you're not dealing with a mature
Rational human being that knows how to communicate effectively is healthy themselves and knows
Exactly how they're feeling in each situation and is being honest with how they feel in each situation the other thing with a silent treatment
And this is really common in terms of kind of avoiding so this can be something like
Accidentally you know not saying hi to someone in the hallway, so if you had an issue with Susie
And it's you and Susie in the hallway and you're crossing paths and she
Neglects to say hi to you, and it doesn't even make eye contact that can be a little passive-aggressive right like so it's tough sometimes
to
Decipher whether or not someone did this accidentally, or if someone is blatantly doing this
And we don't want to go around living our lives being paranoid, and everyone's being passive-aggressive with us
but if you start to see a pattern with someone, then this is definitely their drink of choice, and this is definitely how they
Deal or handle themselves in uncomfortable situations
The one thing to really understand and remember with people that choose the silent treatment. You know method is
They don't know what it is that they're feeling they don't know how to deal with the situation and so really this is their defense
mechanism to completely shut down, so they don't have to engage and
Sweep, it under the rug
This is the sweep it under the rug type of a person so they'll just go silent treatment
No contact for a couple of days call you and pretend like everything's fine and for some people
They can deal with that depending on what the relationship is if it's a co-worker or a friendship
but you know if it's a
Romantic partner or someone that were intimate with or a family member that we have to see all the time it gets really hard
To keep having these relationships with these people when it's a constant lack or wanting to
Avoid something so try not to take a lot of these things personally and just understand that of course
It's frustrating and you have to really decide whether or not. This is a relationship
That's worth saving or worth putting an effort in but the silent treatment is just really the most
Immature thing you can do, but it's done from someone who is emotionally immature
So they don't know how to deal with
Situation they don't know how to express themselves and express how they're feeling they were never taught these things
So of course we can have you know sympathy for this person
But we also have to make sure that we're setting boundaries with everyone and we're making this person
Understand or telling them that this behavior is completely unacceptable and again you have to just determine whether or not this person
You want to keep them in your day to day life the next thing with passive aggressiveness is the subtle?
Kind of insults they're not like full-blown overt insults
They're not like these huge attacks, but you'll be having a conversation with someone and they start off with this like amazing
Compliment and you're just like so hard. They'll buy this and then right in the middle of it
You just get this ding this like little insult that they just like kind of trust in you
And then of course we might end with the rest of the the compliment or we might just leave it there
You know usually this sounds something like um
You know I'm so happy that you got that job like I'm just so I'm amazed because you actually didn't finish your degree
But that's so great that you got that job, and you should be so proud of yourself that kind of is passive aggressive
So we're very excited and happy
But yet we had to kind of bring up something that is a little bit of a sting or an insult like
So in my mind when I want to give someone a compliment. I don't give them a backhanded compliment
I don't throw anything else in their face and when people do that really that is just a shout for
insecurity and someone that perhaps is probably jealous of you on some level and
Again, if you're not aware of these things you're gonna take that on and you're going to you know focus so much on
That that insult that little ding that they were trying to get to you and you're gonna focus on that and bring that up
Well, thanks for a compliment
But did you have to bring up that I didn't finish the degree and you're gonna get like defensive
And you're gonna get engaged in this now argument instead of recognizing that this behavior
Was unhealthy and it was a form of passive aggressiveness
And why are they passive-aggressive because they're insecure because they're probably a jealous person
Because anyone that's really happy and whole and healthy by themselves
People don't do those things when they're healthy and they're content by themselves
They're excited for everyone's win, and they want to you know bring people up and make people feel great about themselves
they don't want to tear them down and make them feel crappy and
Again, this is just a defense mechanism because they don't know what it is
They're feeling and they don't know how to deal with
the feelings that they're having so maybe the reason why someone was being passive-aggressive and gave you those subtle little insults is because
they hate their job and
They don't know where to begin in order to find a new one
But because they're not probably aware of that feeling
They might be a little bit aware and in order to kind of make themselves feel better because they're feeling so low because they're insecure
although of that they're gonna give you that little passive-aggressive you know insult and so
Understanding these things is so
important to not take this stuff on and to let someone sit in
You know that negative space that they're in so if someone were to give you that type of a backhanded
You know insult or compliment the way you would handle it is just by saying. I know I'm so so proud of myself
I can't believe I did this that you and great. I know that I nailed it
I'm so excited and I get a bonus every December
You know just not even engaging not even
Recognizing or acknowledging that that little insult just actually happened and just avoiding it altogether
Because what happens is when you don't avoid it and you get wrapped up into it then all you're doing is
Then allowing that person to you know number one probably deny it
They're not gonna recognize that they were just being passive-aggressive, and if you bring it to their attention
You know most likely they're gonna say. Oh my god
I didn't mean that at all and oh my don't get defensive or oh my god
Why would you ever think that I would never do I would never mean to do that and that's fine?
It doesn't really matter because you don't need anyone else's validation
So this is why it's so important to keep working on yourself and working on yourself, and you know learn how to love yourself
Because we can't avoid
Unhealthy people we're going to come in contact with them. Whether that's someone that we work with a family member whatever
And we have to learn how to be able to deal with these types of people and how to really hold on to our
Vibration and hold on to ourselves and not get wrapped up in this negative
You know energy or negative space that this person maybe wants us to come into or just as sitting in
themselves two of the biggest phrases that are definitely
passive-aggressive because when you're being passive-aggressive you're really just not
Dealing again like I said you're not dealing with what it is that you're feeling so
Saying something like I'm fine, and you know you're not fine that is passive-aggressive
saying fine, whatever
That's being passive-aggressive because there's something there
And I'm sure a lot of men watching this right now can say that they've heard a woman say this in
Men have said it too, and I have said it
So this is why I really loved this topic was because I felt like
You know we've all kind of done this from time to time, and I think it's important to just recognize
When you yourself tend to shut down or when you tend to do the fine, whatever?
Or you know everything's fine
And you know you're not so if you hear yourself say that then it's just a matter of
Recognizing it and say look. I'm gonna be honest
I'm actually not fine, but I just I don't want to get into it right this minute
I just need a break for a second and just take a timeout and take a step back and kind of reevaluate
That's always the best way to handle
These types of situations is sometimes just to take a step back take a breather collect your thoughts and really think about the situation
Rationally and in a healthy way and then come back and discuss it so the point of me
You know going over the stuff was to really help you guys when you're in
Confrontation and recognize these types of behaviors and other people
and I think it's important to recognize when we ourselves do some of these things because we're human and
From time to time we might have a feeling or we might be in a situation that feels really overwhelming
And we don't know how to deal with it and sometimes these
Unfortunately these defense mechanisms and tactics that we ourselves have learned along the way from whoever parents siblings friends
What-have-you people that raised us
it's
important to recognize when we ourselves
Do these things and catch it when it's happening, so how do we deal with these types of people?
I think number one the most important thing you can ever do for yourself is to
Continue to educate yourself on these types of things the more you watch videos the more you read about certain behaviors and people
Whether it's you know emotional abuse whether it's narcissistic abuse
Anything and really learning about this stuff because this is not something that we learn or taught in school
and
I think that number one will really help you to be aware as to when it's happening and when you're aware that you're in a
Situation where someone is being passive-aggressive or projecting or is narcissistic or whatever it kind of gives you?
Home-field advantage so to speak and you can really get control of the situation
And make sure that you don't you know let your emotions take over. This is where because you know what's going on
This is a great starting point towards mastering your emotion not getting involved in these negative
interactions the next thing of course is to
Stand up for yourself, but you want to do this in a healthy way
So we don't want to approach someone and number one tell them that they're being passive-aggressive
Or you know tell them that they're gaslighting you or whatever because most of the times
People are not going to acknowledge. You know what you're right. I'm being so passive-aggressive right now god. I'm so sorry
That's probably not gonna happen
so you want to come to the table from a calm and
Loving place which is telling someone how you feel and what you think in terms of the situation?
We weren't taught these things and if you're watching this video
You're not saying all my viewers are codependent and people please or anything like that
But if you have been emotionally abused your whole life
Then it's gonna be really hard for you to confront others. There are a lot of people that just love
confrontation, but when you start confronting people and when you start start talking to people
In a healthy way, which is you're holding on to yourself?
You know what you think you know how you feel, and you're just going to express that to someone?
And you don't need them to agree with you that is the best place that you can start from
because what that means is
The more you do something the easier it gets and the more you stand up for yourself and the more you don't
fear
Confrontation because really what's the worst that could happen?
Someone says oh you're crazy or oh that didn't happen or they use other forms of emotional abuse on you, then okay?
That's it doesn't matter because you know how to love yourself
You know how to take care of yourself in these situations, and I think that the more you learn how to?
Discuss these things with people in a common healthy way and tell people what you think and how you feel that builds self-confidence
That is self loving and that is
True true self empowerment so when people ask me
You know how do I increase my self-confidence and how do I learn how to love myself well?
There's a lot of other ways you know to gain more confidence or to have more self-love of course
But this is a huge thing because when you know someone is treating you unfairly or doing something. That's abusive and
You are at a place where you're like you know what I'm not tolerating it anymore
And it's not a matter of getting angry and yelling and screaming and getting involved with someone. It's just a matter of
Saying I love myself, and I'm not dealing with this behavior anymore, and when you're ready to discuss these things
please let's discuss them, but for now I'm not dealing with this behavior and really learning how to
learning when you need to
Disengage with someone and learning when you need to engage with someone and tell someone what you think and how you feel
I hope that this has helped you guys out there if you have any questions
Please let me know and if you have any questions
Don't forget to leave them down below and give this video a thumbs up if you liked it
And I will see you guys next week