This is cool.
This-- yeah, this is cool.
I mean, I'm from South Africa.
I've been to scarier places than this.
I'm good.
See?
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Get a wide for the little leg lift.
OK.
We are here with Charlize Theron.
That's right.
You know what I'm saying?
- Academy Award winning. - You know what I'm saying?
Academy Award winning.
I was literally just thinking they missed that part.
- You know what I'm saying? - They missed that part.
Shit.
It's like, yo, if--
We're gonna have to to redo that.
Yeah, no, it's like getting a PhD.
Motherfuckers better call me a doctor, bro.
Yeah.
I don't care if it's a PhD in popcorn.
I am Dr. Mero, motherfucker.
But didn't you also win a Golden Globe?
Yeah, I feel like we should just
put them all ahead of my name.
Right.
The Golden Frog--
Which is more impressive-- more impressive to you?
The Golden Globe or the Academy Award?
Well, that's a very--
I don't-- I mean, I feel like they're both
special for different reasons.
If they were children, and your house was on fire,
which one would you save?
That's-- I can't play "Sophie's Choice."
OK.
I can't play "Sophie's Choice."
I can't do it. I can't do it.
-
- OK. - I can't--
I can't do it. Sorry.
Are you going to try to get the EGOT?
Hey, listen, it's never going to happen,
because I think we all know now I can't sing.
So--
- We don't know that. - Why not?
The world knows that.
You guys might not, but the world does.
Listen, I interviewed Seth, and he sang in "Lion King."
Yeah, he's amazing.
And if he can sing in "Lion King," you can definitely sing.
You can stop that.
You know what I'm saying?
Don't hold back.
No, I don't hold back.
And it's not helped me.
It has not served me.
What if we do a musical version of "Monster?"
It would never--
Well, if I could, like, talk through it-- if it could be,
like, talk singing, I could probably do it.
No, you could, like, stab guys with your sword.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could probably do, like, talk--
talk singing.
You know talk singing? Yeah.
- Yeah. - You know what I'm saying?
We'll call Lin-Manuel. What?
We'll make this happen. - Yeah.
- That's right. - I got 'em--
I'll DM him right now.
I just think you guys should maybe re-evaluate
your audience, and if there is one,
before we put all this work in.
Just-- I'm just saying, it's a lot of work.
I just--
Listen, all we gotta do is talk about it on Twitter,
and it will go viral.
OK, fantastic.
- You will win a Grammy. - Done.
OK.
Where do you keep your awards?
You know, they're kind of scattered everywhere.
All through my house, yeah. - OK.
But they are in your house?
Not in, like, a vault, or anything?
No.
I have some in my office, I have some in, you know,
the family room.
I keep some next to my kids' bedside tables.
You know, just so they know. - Just so they know?
Keep 'em humble?
I just want them to know who--
- Like, yo, I did this. - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I just need them to have an awareness
of who their mother is.
Every now and then, do you have to, like,
just tell them, like, yo--
I made "Monster."
I made "Young Adult."
MERO: Stop playing with me.
Yeah.
I just take the Oscar and have the Oscar talk to them.
Do you scare them at night?
Like, yo, if you don't do your homework,
the Oscar's gonna get ya.
You just, like, hide under the bed with the Oscar, like, woo!
Oh, my god.
-
I should try it.
Maybe I-- listen, maybe it works.
You know what I'm saying?
OK.
This movie, "Long Shot--"
Mhm.
You play a Secretary of State?
CHARLIZE THERON: Yes. - Yes.
Yes.
Jimmy Fallon, he congratulated her.
She was like, I am not--
I'm not actually the Secretary of State.
Not actually the Secretary of State.
Yes.
You'd probably do a better job than the current one.
I don't even know who the current one is.
No one does.
I-- I don't--
I can't.
I'm a foreigner.
Oh. DESUS: That is true.
That is true.
Wait, no, you can be Secretary of State if you're a foreigner,
right? - Yeah.
Oh, we don't have rules in America anymore.
Anyone can do whatever. - No, no, no.
We need to Google that shit.
I think you can. - Can we?
I should know this.
I should have done enough research
to know this before I did a movie where
I played Secretary of State.
No, because Madeleine Albright is a foreigner.
That is true.
But maybe-- well--
yeah.
They're foreigners, right?
Yeah. OK.
I take it back.
I can be the Secretary of State. - You can do it.
See?
I am here to announce--
If you could be Secretary of State, you could also sing.
See? Believe in yourself.
- No, that's not how it works. - OK.
That's not how it works, actually.
We're the-- like, the best worst life coaches ever.
Exactly.
Because we're just like, yo, you could do that shit.
You can do whatever.
Yeah, no, you guys have a lot of bad ideas
in five minutes of us taping this show.
This is--
I'm actually worried for you guys.
So wait, you're African, and you're in America.
Are you African-American?
I don't-- I've never thought about it.
I've never spent enough time to actually have an answer.
The Twitter is fascinated by it.
But I guess-- yeah, they're really fascinated by it.
Uh-- sure, I guess.
Like, I guess I am.
I mean--
She's going to be at the cookout, y'all.
- You know what I'm saying? - Why not?
Ah, ah, ah. Come ask us.
Was I not invited if I wasn't African American?
Like, that's rude.
It's very complicated.
Jesus, guys.
Come on.
What's it like working with Seth Rogen,
and how much weed did he force you to smoke?
He does not force anybody to smoke weed.
He's just, like, ha ha ha, you want to smoke some weed?
That's a very good Seth Rogen.
No.
He doesn't-- he doesn't force his beliefs on anybody.
He's a very-- which makes you want to smoke more, right?
It's like, when somebody isn't forcing it down your throat.
But he smokes all the time, I think.
And he is-- and he's so--
he's just-- he's better for it.
So wait, when you smoke, do you just--
do you become lackadaisical?
Is it, like, one of those kind of--
Yeah, I just become boring.
Ah.
- I become boring. - Are you a vaper?
Like, just do your taxes, and stuff?
No. No.
That would be funny.
And I just become very quiet, and kind of detached,
and I just want to eat.
And I really want to talk. - What's your favorite--
That sounds pretty--
What's your favorite smack snack?
Whatever is available.
Like, that's what-- that's how sad it is.
I'm not even picky about it.
You just eat whatever?
Yeah, what-- if there's broccoli, I'll eat it.
I'll just shove it in my mouth. - Like, raw broccoli?
Like, yo, fuck the hummus, I'm just eating, like, broccoli?
And it-- yeah, it's not pretty.
Wow.
It's not pretty.
Have you ever made a sandwich using Eggo waffles as bread?
I might have.
I'm trying to think.
I might have.
And I'm-- I might not have made it.
I think I ate that at a fancy restaurant.
I think, like, a chef made-- like, that's on a menu.
Like--
What?
Like, a Tom Colicchio, like, top of the list.
Like, I think-- - Oh, see?
Yeah.
Tom Colicchio follows me on Twitter.
I think I've had it in, like, a very fancy restaurant.
- He stole it from you? - Maybe.
Wow. - I'm telling you.
Yeah. I'm not lying.
So are you exposing Tom Colicchio right-- yo, Tom,
you was on a show last time. DESUS: Mhm.
You know what I'm saying?
If you stole my Eggo waffle, peanut butter and jelly idea,
I'm coming for your ass.
I think it was a little bit more elevated than that.
Just a little bit.
What, it had, like, gold flakes and truffle oil?
Yeah, probably.
[LAUGHTER]
It's like, yo, it's regular supermarket shit,
but then we put gold flakes on top.
He's like, these guys have the beginning of a good dish.
In the movie, your character has a wild night.
Yes.
On molly, even, right?
Mm.
What's the wildest night you've ever had?
Uh, listen, I've lived a long life, and a pretty full one.
So--
Oh, it's wild like that?
You can't talk about it?
Woo!
I saw this, like--
I don't know if it was a viral video of you, or something,
but you were, like, on the front of a truck,
holding on to two poles.
And you were like, wiling. Like--
That was a good night.
Just jumping over shit.
That was a good night.
And it was--
I think Tom Hardy was also there.
Yeah, that was-- that was actually
a film called "Fury Road."
- Is that a real thing? - Oh, that was-- that was a--
It was a-- yeah.
Oh, shit, naw, that was a movie.
My fault.
But that movie is, like, a--
That movie is fucking lit!
It's like a-- it's like a fever dream.
It's--
Yo, I was watching that shit on a plane, and I was like,
yo, this shit is ill! - Yeah.
No, I get you. For sure.
It's a bit of a fever dream.
So--
[LAUGHTER]
Wait, how many kids do you have?
- Four. - You have four kids?
- Four. - You're lying to me right now.
- Four. - You have four kids?
- I have four. - What ages?
Eight.
Five.
Three and two.
Bingo.
We need to get you a TV.
I bought a gigantic TV.
Like-- I have a very large TV.
We need to get you a Netflix subscription,
and not a Pornhub subscription.
Or--
What is going on?
Listen-- listen, I--
How old are you?
I'm 35 years old.
Wow.
You're just getting in out of the way.
I got-- I just-- I was like, I'm gonna do--
I'm not gonna Jeff Goldblum this shit.
- Yes. - I'm gonna get--
I'm gonna pump them all out early.
Got it.
So when I'm 60, I can be like, yo,
go get me my fucking slippers.
Stop playing with me.
I made you with my dick.
You know what I'm saying?
Like that. You know what I mean?
So they know what time it is.
Or we could just circumvent all of that.
I'm so uncomfortable right now.
Join the club.
So uncomfortable for all of us--
You know what I'm saying? That's what I--
All of us--
I don't know how to respond to that.
That's what I do, but we don't--
you don't even have to respond to that.
What we could do is just circumvent all of that shit
and start having play dates. - That's really cool.
Wow. - You have two kids, right?
I have two. Yeah.
And I've got my hands full.
I can't imagine four.
That's-- you gotta start playing the zone defense.
Oh, got it. OK.
MERO: Yeah. - So I should just have more?
Is that what you're saying?
Well, I mean, it depends--
I mean, you're popping, and you're-- like,
you've probably got, like--
I don't want to go in your pockets, you feel me?
But I feel like you have-- - Yeah.
- The means-- - Yeah.
- To have another child or two. - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Or three.
Or more.
He's saying I'm really rich.
[LAUGHTER]
For all the white people out there.
You feel me?
I make it rain.
Make it rain?
Well, maybe we can do, like, you know, play dates
and shit like that?
I-- like, my neighbors would fucking trip the fuck out
if you just pulled up. CHARLIZE THERON: Cool.
Like, yo. CHARLIZE THERON: Yeah.
Isn't it more about the kids, and it's not really about her?
Naw, it's about me flexing.
Like, it's really-- that's what it's about.
And also our children interacting with each other
and, like, you know--
like Peppa Pig says in the beginning,
it's like, you know, watching Peppa Pig will
teach you about the diversity of the world,
and blah, blah, blah. CHARLIZE THERON: Yeah.
You know what I'm saying? CHARLIZE THERON: Yeah.
So like, our kids, like, intermingle and shit.
- Love it. - Like, you know--
Do you have a dog?
We have two dogs, yes.
OK, that's my lane, so--
What do you have?
I have a Boston terrier.
Oh, cute.
If you bring your kids, you know, I'll bring my dog.
- We'll bring the dogs? - Yeah.
I feel like I'm packing up my whole house and coming by.
Yeah. - Come live with us.
I got a dog, too. - All right.
OK, cool.
All right, now it's time for the controversial part
of the interview.
Shit.
Last week, we were all on Jimmy Fallon.
That's right.
You accused us of cheating.
You were. For sure.
- We were not cheating. - We were not cheating!
- Iam telling you right now. - We were not cheating!
We were not!
- Australia. - Kangaroos.
Boom!
What?
Nobody saw the cards.
I didn't see the cards.
The camera didn't see-- nobody saw the cards.
But it said the-- it said what was
on the card on the screen for the audience,
if you watch the clip. - Wow.
You're sounding a little Michael Jordan-y right now.
Wow. MERO: Really competitive.
DESUS: Wow. - Charlize.
I thought we were-- I thought we were cool.
I'm gonna tell you guys right now,
my ego was a little crushed.
You know what?
I respect--
Your competitive nature.
I respect the competitive nature.
Yeah.
For somebody who is so bad at that game,
I shouldn't have so much of a competitive nature.
No, you were--
I should be way more humble about it.
- You were on it. - You were on that shit.
Cause you the same energy level as us.
Cause I was like, I'm not losing to Jimmy Fallon and her.
You guys killed it.
That was like nothing I've ever seen in my entire life.
OK.
You didn't beat us in-- what was that game?
- Catchphrase. - Catchphrase?
Well could you beat us in?
What-- what game you know for a fact you could beat us in?
I Think, probably.
Yeah, probably.
Is that a game?
Charades, then. I guess-- maybe Charades.
Charades?
Did you notice I kind of went to Charades?
You did. You defaulted to Charades.
I forgot-- yeah.
I said-- I said everything I wasn't supposed to say,
and then acted everything out.
Like-- - You were carrying that team.
You were on your LeBron.
Yeah.
Well, Jimmy really fucking let me down, too.
Jimmy--
I mean, listen--
I mean, seriously, he was just--
the kickboxing thing, I basically said--
That was right there.
Kickboxing, and he still didn't get it.
It's painful to watch.
It was horrible.
Like, we're all doing this. CHARLIZE THERON: Yeah.
All three of us doing this, and Jimmy's like--
- Everybody-- - What is-- what--
Taekwondo? I don't--
Mike Tyson? I don't--
- Kick-- - I haven't-- I can't--
I actually can't say anything because how
much did I struggle with limbo?
I could not remember limbo to save my life.
Well, I mean, if you--
And then I looked over, and I was like, what is it?
I was literally, like, just tell me!
I was shocked that you were shocked that we
guessed kangaroo so quickly.
Because it's like--
CHARLIZE THERON: That was amazing.
We're from the Bronx. It's like--
CHARLIZE THERON: Yeah.
You say Australia, it's like-- what is in Australia?
Kangaroo. Kangaroo.
For some reason, like, I would have expected you to say a hat
that Samuel L. Jackson wears.
A Kangol.
Oh, is that a Kangol?
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
Like, the uncle hat?
CHARLIZE THERON: Yes.
I thought it was a kangaroo--
Listen, 10 more years, I got that and a hoop earring?
Oh--
These interviews are going to be fire.
Yeah.
My dad is already rocking several Kangols.
Who has a hoop earring?
Oh, no, older black men.
You have to wear a hoop earring and the backwards Kangol.
Yeah, with a hoop earring, Kangol.
- Like a little pirate look? - There you go.
There you go. You're like, Michael Jordan?
Yeah.
I still have so much to learn, guys.
I have--
DESUS: Call us, and we'll teach you our ways.
OK.
You're a big sports fan.
Is that true? - Yeah.
No, I love sports.
Yes.
What's your teams?
I mean, I'm not, like, super loyal to, like, any one team.
I just like sports in general.
DESUS: OK.
I tend to go and usually for the underdog.
Because I just like that--
you know, do you guys--
do you watch tennis?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I went to the US Open.
OK.
So tennis, boxing-- like, whenever you can hear
the commentary on, like, the backstories of, like,
how tough their lives are--
Yeah.
That's really why I like sports.
Right.
Because I'm just, like, oh, damn.
His mother just died of cancer.
DESUS: And now you're like, yo--
I'm just, like, this guy needs to win!
DESUS: Wow.
Yeah, like, I love that spirit of sports.
Who's your favorite underdog that--
sports underdog that you saw, and it just
touched your heart, like, yo.
Well, there's a few tennis players that definitely--
I mean-- oh, shit.
I can't remember this one--
she moved me so much.
I can't remember her name now.
Serena?
No, no, no.
This was a while back.
She's a Dutch player.
Um-- we're going to have to Google it.
But that's how much she moved me.
Dutch?
I'm not big on remembering their names.
She was so important, I can't even remember her fucking name.
No, but also, she won-- there was a woman who won
the US Open, I think it was, like, four
weeks after she had her baby.
That was, like, the coolest shit I've ever seen.
I was like, I want to give her an award just for showing up.
Yeah.
Like, I didn't even have my kids,
and I was in a cave for, like, three months.
Oh, yeah.
Same.
She won a tournament.
Like, that was amazing.
I couldn't come out of the room.
I was just, like-- - Yeah.
That's what I love about sports.
I like that stuff.
You couldn't come out the room after your kids?
Um-- it was stressful.
- Oh, OK. - Stressful.
It was stressful.
I mean, like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, a lot of-- it just like-- it wasn't me.
I didn't deliver the kids. DESUS: But you made them, so--
But you feel me?
So-- but I was there.
You know what I mean?
And I stayed awake the whole time, so it was like--
I'm going to--
I'm actually going to back you up on that.
I think dads don't get enough-- - You know what I'm saying?
Yes.
I cut the cord, and I mean, with my teeth.
Well, now you have to just--
now you're not proving a point anymore.
- No. - Just--
They allow that in Jersey?
Yeah.
You just biting-- like--
[SHOUTING]
You know what I'm saying?
It's like-- it's-- there's a birth plan that you follow,
you know what I'm saying? When you go to the hospital.
And that was it.
I was like, yo, I'm biting this shit, bro.
Like-- - Gotta focus--
Raw, visceral.
He doesn't really know much about babies.
I understand.
I was like, where's the placenta?
Where's the cord blood?
He's like, I have no idea what that--
Listen--
What are you supposed to do with all of that stuff?
You can actually keep it.
You can actually keep the placenta--
In your safe?
And, like, eat it.
Like, in your freezer?
Oh, I've heard of that-- yeah, I've heard about that.
Yeah. - And, like, eat it.
Or, like, use it for stem cells, and shit like that.
Did you eat it?
Naw, I'm not wild like that.
Like, I'm not that Hollywood yet.
So you'll bite it, but you won't eat it?
- Yeah. - OK, got it.
I just like a mouth feel like type--
- OK. - OK.
I heard you're supposed to take it, and then
plant it next to, like, a tree.
Like, a tree-- a sapling, and then you show the kid,
like, yo, that's your fucking placenta tree.
That's it-- yeah.
That's what I'm going to do with-- we should--
let's do it. Let's--
You've got four.
Where are they? - I mean--
- Are you keeping them-- - [INAUDIBLE]
Are they-- are they-- yeah, you can have your own forest.
They're lost in the placenta forest.
Are they just hanging out in your fridge?
Next to, what, your--
Your wife is like, he signed up for dinner?
You're like, all right.
Got some--
Get some Hamburger Helper.
Hey.
A little placenta in there.
Waffles for sandwiches.
You know what I'm saying?
Just the placenta.
I actually knocked over my kid's umbilical cord.
Because you know how you keep them in a little thing?
And I knocked it over.
I was mad high, and I was looking for shit.
What little thing?
In, like, a little, like, ceramic--
Formaldehyde bottle?
Yeah, like, a little--
Old scientist shit?
Yeah.
It literally turns into, like, a little skin
flake after, like, a month.
But it's supposed to be a thing, I guess.
- Wow. - So I kept it.
And I knocked it, and I picked it up.
I was like, this is disgusting. - Wow.
And I put it back.
It's amazing that you're allowed to have kids.
MERO: Yeah. - Right?
CHARLIZE THERON: Right? - Right?
CHARLIZE THERON: Yeah.
I ask this question all the time.
He knocked it over while high.
Fuck you, [INAUDIBLE].
You know what I'm saying?
I'm out here shining.
What's up?
In bodegas, we always have a neon sign
that usually says-- where hot food is available,
no credit to you.
It could say menu of the day.
What would your neon sign say?
It sounds like hot food is taken.
Hot food's taken.
No credit to you is taken.
Yeah, the hot food it sounds like it should be with me.
But I will go with--
Dance.
Mm, mm, mm.
That's right.
Can you milly rock?
- Do I what? - Can you do the milly rock?
What--
[LAUGHTER]
You know what I'm saying?
Get your self an urban dictionary.
DESUS: Here we go.
Ah-- ah-- ah--
Go ahead. Ah-- fuck it up.
Oh, shit.
Fuck it up. Ah.
Ah. Ah.
[MUSIC PLAYING]