'Ello stranger! Been a little while. New house - move past it - let's do some robots!
Well, another year, another Transformers movie.
Yes indeed, The Last Knight hits cinemas in June
which means we'll all be neck-deep in One-Step Changers and $25 Deluxe figures
before you can say "fool me five times".
So what do we know so far?
Well, we know all the Autobots from last time are coming back, and so is Megatron somehow.
We know there's a brand new uninspiring, generic robot attached to a lucrative car sponsorship
and assigned the name of an arbitrary beloved character
and a French accent!?
We know there's what appears to be a Bayformers Minion
who only says "Chihuahua" and his toy's gonna be everywhere
and the people at work are gonna see it and give me the stankeye
like, "urgh, THAT's what you're into?"
We basically know all that far-out fantasy stuff about King Arthur and Churchill's gonna get glossed over
in a 90-second prologue.
We know we're gonna sit there Kubricked out while dozens of indistinguishable baddie robots
with Juggalo-ass names get punched to death in nauseating ipecac-o-vision.
And we just know Josh Duhamel's gonna turn slowly to the camera and say,
"He is certainly dead!"
And Anthony Hopkins is in it, rattlin' off nonsense exposition about the history of the Transformers.
It's like, every time I see that, I temporarily turn into an iron Man villain.
- This guy's a genius, he really is.
He's of the same earth as Oliver Stone and Spielberg, those people, and Scorcese - they're...
...brilliant.
- Listen to yourself, Tony...
So, I have rather soured on the Transformers movies lately.
I mean, I always enjoy 'em the first time, but with every re-watch they get exponentially worse!
Like the exact opposite of Hot Fuzz.
I mean, I watched the first one the other day
- where's the DVD? There it is...
I mean, I re-watched the first one the other day, and I found myself getting more warm and fuzzy feelings
for the hype surrounding the movie than the movie!
Like, remember those publicity stills and teaser footage that implied a way better movie than we actually got?
And the intrigue and furore around the robo designs that never really went away?
But the hype was real and I was vibin'!
Like, there was merchandise everywhere with that sweet new tungsteny branding
and I even kinda loved the first game, even though it was dreadful.
Hell yeah, come on Bee! Let's kick some
[barfing]
And it's from that same surrounding miasma of overblown, hyper-masculine robot energy
that today's subject comes!
Fresh outta 2009, it's Revenge of the Fallen Stratosphere!
Strat yourself in!
Yes indeed, this lanky lovebucket comes from a small sect of tangentially movie-aligned Voyager flyboys
with mind-blowing militaristic alt modes and buckets of charisma!
If memory serves, I think Stratosphere was one of the first Revenge robos announced
along with, like, Demolishor and Sideways,
although I don't think he showed up until about wave 4.
I think that's right, although I do drink a lot.
Anyway, let's get Spherious!
So this is, I think, one of the tallest Voyager figures ever?
I mean, he is phonin' it in a bit, with all this absurd jet junk reachin' skyward like a thirsty skyscraper
but if you count it, he's taller than like 90% of Leaders and the odd Combiner, even!
But he is mostly bluster.
Like, the portion of his torso that's actually a torso is just this bit.
Any further back and you're in kibble country
and the rest is just limbs.
But that's his schtick! It's why he's good!
So yes! Torso's basically an exploded nosecone,
head's an extremely unusual kabuki-lookin' sucker rockin' a sort of cockpit trilby
with awkward but spectacular hat piping!
Arms are just all joints, like one of those wibbly snake toys!
They're actually pretty fun though, he's got like, posable fingies and fumbs
with an ugly cut-out with nothin' to hold
and there's a tiny bit of internal Mechalive in there
that's so subtle it might as well not be there.
Oh, Mechalive. Why were you a thing?
Dunno what this hot root vegetable orange is all about though.
Actually, the colours are pretty horrific overall!
Like, the flat grey's at least appropriate for a big military robot
but why would you then accent it with more grey and like, lentil soup ecru?
Anyway, pants-downward he's just as bewildering!
Check out those legs! Aren't we a Stratting young lad?
So the thighs are a bit stiff and like, the swivel don't even play.
They are quite cool actually, like, in a very non-Movieverse way?
Like, they're all bare-bones naked struts and what looks like industrial flooring.
Look at these canoe-ass kicks!
I guess he would need a stable base to keep all of this under control
but they do seem a little underdeveloped?
They're really ridin' the line between "minimalist" and "who gives a shit?"
Like, they're literally just fuselage and a screw
and they're just the bottom line on a truly unique and endlessly charming robo boy!
I mean, I can sit here and dissect it all you want, but Stratosphere is just so weird!
I mean, look at that silhouette!
He's like a friggin' Vitruvian asterisk.
[EPIC CHUGGING METALCORE]
Transformation works pretty much how you think it does.
All the limbs sorta cluster up into a sausage
and it all ties up neatly with a bit of pre-Lugnut automorph!
Remember that?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Stratosphere's meaty jet mode!
Now, apparently this isn't an actual real-world plane?
Rather, it cannibalises a cast of cargo carrier carcasses into a cobbled-together cacophony of kickass!
Check out this fierce flyguy!
Like, you almost never see sober, utilitarian airplane modes
Nooo! Oohh, I used to be good at this.
And I appreciate that it's not harbouring some secret silly space gun
or daft, showboaty paint job.
It's kind of a sensible treat.
So yeah, check out that vast wingspan with the oddly orange-tipped Angry Birds engines
and these peng winged insignias!
Not totaly sure what I'm supposed to do with the tailfin.
Like, does it go like that? Or like that? Or like THAT, even?
Undercarriage is a bit tenuous - like, it seems to be just barely maintaining its chill
but you gotta love the two actual rolly wheels and the 48 false ones.
Face end's sportin' some bitchin' bulbous chops with the cheeky roundy ball nose,
infinity billion windows, and like, the beginnings of a shopping list?
Not totally sure what I'm supposed to jam into that blowhole there.
Big ridiculous gun?
Tiny ridiculous shuttle?
Robot riding a gorilla riding a pogo stick riding a plane?
Gotta blowhole somethin'.
So, Stratosphere as a character doesn't really exist.
I mean, he was in the Dark of the Moon game for about four minutes in what felt like
a spirited recreation of a boss fight from Afterburner.
Other than that, it seems he was only produced as general military mise-en-scene
catering singularly to Bay's boner for all things that go
whooshy whooshy bangy boomy!
And as a nod to the opening of ROTF
when Optimus divebombed out of a jet that looked a little bit like that, sort of?
To which end, big ol' Stratovarius comes neatly packaged with a
teeny tiny Optimus Primey!
Yes indeed, this may in fact be the smallest self-contained Transformers figure ever produced!
I mean, it's definitely the smallest Optimus Prime!
Like, it makes the World's Smallest figure look like a friggin' behemoth,
Micromasters tower over it like
towers
and it's got like, moving parts and a paintjob and de facto wheel rims
and stuff you'd expect off a "proper figure"!
It doesn't do much, but it's only 3 centimetres big.
What do you want?
But it's just such an unusual treat, and it exists solely to be jammed up inside another toy's butthole
meaning Stratosphere has the unique ability to poop an Optimus!
All of which makes this spheresome sucker
an admirably distinctive and respectably bonkers experience!
And I still can't really decide if it's actually good.
Like, it's absolutely fun and memorable and I like it,
but it also definitely has the air of a rush job.
And the whole "recreate the moment" aspect gives it as much significance as, say,
Masterpiece Grimlock's pinny
or that clear plastic bracket that comes with Masterpiece Inferno.
That's you, mate.
But creeping nitpicks aside, there's no way I'm not recommending it!
Yes indeed, I have decided that Revenge of the Fallen was now long enough ago to be considered retro
and it's about time we recognised it as the eternal God-King of the live action toylines.
I have spoken!
I mean, while the others were bogged down in cancellations
and strugglin' to translate the on-screen pandemonium into plastic straight off the back of Cybertron
ROTF was the only one that really flexed its muscles, y'know?
It felt like a party, man!
Like an ongoing experimental adrenaline-fuelled brainstorm, and we were all in on it!
And Stratosphere's precisely the kind of off-the-wall, outta-nowhere, shot-to-nothing legend
that embodies the devil-may-care, Gatsby-ass decadence of a design team
whose last movie just made a billion dollars!
Strat's what I'm talkin' about!
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Limited appeal, keepin' it real.