• How do you feel about a whole breakfast in a can?
Or, mmm, “tongues”?
Here are 15 canned foods that somehow exist, but really shouldn’t
15 - Squid, • Don’t you hate when you’re at sea
hunting the kraken and all you want is a taste of delicious squid to keep you going through
the long nights?
• Well, this is for you.
Canned squid, in natural ink – because my favourite topping on seafood is thick, black
tar that has a small chance of choking me to death.
• But don’t worry guys – it has water AND salt added.
That’ll even out the horrible taste.
14 – Whole Chicken, • Mm, mmm.
A whole god damn chicken in a can.
Mm, with giblets.
And neck.
• I love the thought of this slimy goo-covered chicken, crammed into a tiny space, sliding
down my throat hole with the echoes of a dying chicken bouncing around my ears.
• Home-style goodness, am I right?
As nature intended?
Fuck off.
13 – Hot Dogs, • Hot dogs are made from the parts of Slapped
Ham’s that nobody wants to eat.
How can we make it even worse?
Oh, how?
• Let’s whack a bunch of them in a can.
Now they’ll come out all wrinkly – what an improvement.
Oooh, in BRINE.
Doesn’t that just get you drooling?
• Pass.
12 - Creamed Possum, • It always seems like a shame to waste
roadkill on the side of the road.
Thank Christ company BluePirate figured out another use for them.
• It’s not just possum.
Oh no.
Sweet potatoes, garnished in COON FAT GRAVY.
MMM.
It’s a real shame they haven’t capitalised on rats served in potatoes and gravy.
Smaller can, more profit.
• Danger Dolan presents Rat Soup.
Now for sale in stores that don’t exist.
11 – Roasted Scorpion, • Ya see, the one major problem with scorpions,
the crucial flaw when it comes to cuisine – they’re poisonous.
Which, generally leads to…death?
• Sure, go ahead and cook them, roast them like they have been here, you likely WON’T
die.
But you have thousands of food options.
Tens of thousands.
Maybe…
don’t eat…this?
• Maybe?
If you do though, be sure to wash it down with delicious scorpion vodka.
Yeah.
10 – Fish Mouths, • Mmmm, mmm, mmmmmmm.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, MMM.
Canned fish jaws.
• I love tasting the fish’s last kill in my meal.
The calcium in the teeth.
I slurp up the fish’s tongue and I am ROCK — HARD.
• Fish jaws.
Jesus fucking Christ.
9 – Fried “Chik’n”, • You might think, oh, what’s this doing
on the list?
Fried chicken in a can isn’t that strange.
Fried….
CHIK’N.
• Made with vegetable protein, potato and egg whites, surely you’ll enjoy this canned
monstrosity that if you really pretend hard enough might taste kinda, sorta like chicken?
• But it’s not.
It’s tofu.
Nice try, CHIK’N. 8 – All Day Breakfast,
• Sure, you can’t be bothered cooking up a whole breakfast.
You can’t afford to eat out.
But this – is not a great alternative.
• As much as I like the idea of sausages, beans, eggs, mushrooms, salami & bacon all
squished into a brown paste and sealed in a can – I have to say, I’d rather eat
a dog turd.
• At least with dog turds, you know what you’re in for.
Instead of this ungodly….mess.
7 – 12 Course Meal, • The all day breakfast is for pussies – the
12 course meal in a can is how you’ll prove you’re hot shit.
• Each layer is new experience.
Cheese, beef, ravioli, mushrooms, crepe, risotto, soup, pork, juice, steak, pie & canelé – all
of it in one delicious tube.
Melt it down, drink it with a straw.
• I’d rather eat scorpions. 6 – Rattlesnake,
• Speaking of eating something that would murder you given the chance, the smokey sauce
rattlesnake in a can isn’t a prank.
• This is pure game meat, hunted in the wild.
Did you know?
If you shake the can, it’ll make a rattle noise?
Not really.
But the poison makes this meal especially scrumptious.
Highly recommended.
10/10 would end my life eating again.
5 – Muffin, • Gotta love light, fluffy muffins.
They’re beautiful.
Divine.
So then, what the fuck is this trash?
• You might as well just take the ingredients, roll them into a ball, and bake a muffin like
that.
Only, take away the lightness.
The fluffiness.
The beauty.
Turn it into a cramped pile of nonsense.
“Oh, what’s that you’re eating, bro?”
• It’s my muffin tube.
It’s like a regular muffin, but worse.
4 - Tongues, • Foreboding.
The vaguely named, can of “tongues”.
Presumably they’re lamb tongues based on the picture, but that’s not a guarantee.
• As much as I love eating the tongues of animals, which just gets me thinking about
fish jaws again, mm mm, it’s difficult to imagine the market for this one.
• I would love to see Tom Piper’s sale figures.
And whether “tongues” could technically have a human element to them.
3 – Baby Conch, • Ooooh, boy.
I love worming my tongue into beach shells to slurp out the slimy ocean goodness, sand
and all.
Thank goodness they packaged it into a convenient can for travellers on the go.
• I like how they went out of their way to call it “whole” baby conch.
Don’t you hate it when you buy ocean slime and it doesn’t come with a convenient serving
shell to slurp it out of?
• Thank you, company Roland.
You’re really providing a crucial customer service.
2 – Fish A-Holes, • I would dearly love to believe this one
was real.
But I cannot possibly imagine this existing.
Tongues, sure, but I rarely hear young Timmy asking Dad for a nice bowl of fish rectums
to digest for Sunday brunch.
• I’m quite fond of the fact this particular model comes in “Manhattan style”.
Now, yes, it does sound like something they would do, however I’ve yet to quantify how
the American city would sauté a pile of fish assholes.
• Pollution flavour fish buttholes.
Now served in stylish conch shells.
1 – Bird’s Nest • I have no idea…
what the fuck’s going on here.
A god damn bird’s nest.
Mmm, hey kids, who feels like eating sticks & hard rocks today?
• Apparently, according to info I’ve found floating around, it’s a delicacy to melt
down bird’s nests, dissolve them and drink it like a soup.
• That sounds like fucking nightmare fuel.
This sounds like what they drink in a Stephen King novel, or Goosebumps.
I want to try it.