I wanted to be a wife and a mother that was different than the wife that I had
seen my mother be, and give my children a different childhood than I had.
And so, I had spent my years dreaming of what I thought a marriage should be and
what a husband should be, and one who would protect me and
guide me and love me.
I grew up not knowing what a family was.
My mother's identity came from men.
I saw men come in and out of our home.
We were sworn to secrecy.
Our house as a child was very chaotic.
And we never knew if my dad was drinking when he came home-- if and
when he came home.
My dad raped me at the age of six and throughout my life, up until about the
time I was 16.
Everything about my childhood, it was lonely.
It was hard.
It was not what a child deserved to have.
I continued to follow in the life of finding men who were abusive--
what I knew, abusive alcoholics,
but all I wanted was to be loved.
And for me, being loved was having a sexual relationship.
And I was willing to do anything to have that.
I left my husband and my children for another man.
It was very hard.
A learned behavior.
I was doing all of the things that I had promised and wanted
never to do to my children.
I was repeating that behavior.
I felt dirty.
I felt shameful.
I felt guilty.
I didn't want the life that I had.
I wanted to be different and say, OK, Lord, I'm going to just trust You.
And I'm going to share the desires of my heart with You.
And we're just going to walk this out, because You're all I've got.
That night I asked Jesus into my life, He was my only hope, because the course
I was taking was a crash course.
And I needed Him.
And this was in February.
Well, in March, April, I met a man.
And I just knew he was from God.
By August, Jay and I were engaged.
We bought a beautiful home together.
And he loved me.
And he loved my children.
God spoke to me one day, as clear as clear can be.
And he said to me, he goes, how can I heal you if you're not
willing to heal yourself?
I gave him his ring back.
And I told him, I said, God has spoken to me personally.
And I have to trust Him.
And I have to let Him be the husband that I've never had,
the father that I never had.
I have to let Him provide for me, because otherwise our marriage would
never work.
I needed someone that I could trust, that I could to share my deepest,
darkest secrets with.
I had started Christian counseling with an inner healing process with an amazing
woman, named Joyce.
There were days when we would just pray.
And we wouldn't say anything.
And there were other days where we would go through step by step, as if peeling
an onion, and just revealing.
And each layer that came off, the closer I knew I was to a new life.
It was easier for me to share what my mother had done or my father or my
ex-husband had done.
But it was harder for me to share what I had done.
One day I showed up for our counseling session.
And I went in and said, OK, Joyce, I've forgiven everybody, you know, my mother
for this, this, and this, my father for this, this, and this.
And said I'm done.
I am ready to go.
I am ready to continue my walk with Jesus.
And she just sat there, and she sat there.
And she prayed and she said, there's still more work to be done.
And I wanted to run.
And I wanted to go.
And I couldn't, because I knew what my choice was.
I could either go back to the life I had, or to continue on this walk.
And I said, OK, I've got one more thing to tell you.
And she just sat there and prayed.
And I said, my senior year in high school, I had an abortion.
All I wanted was to be loved.
And that's all I knew to do.
And she just sat, and she sat, and she sat.
And she prayed.
And I thought, OK, why can't I leave?
And she just continued to sit there.
And I said, OK, this is it.
I'm going to tell you one last thing, and I'm finished.
After I left the boys and their father for the other man, I said, I got pregnant.
And I said, I couldn't have that child, because of all the guilt and shame that
I already carried.
And she just didn't say anything.
She just sat there and prayed.
And I thought, OK, Lord, how did she know?
Nobody knew.
But there was one last thing.
And I realized that God knew.
And He wanted me pure, that He didn't want to let me go.
And so I just looked at her, and I said, Joyce, I said, I had one more abortion.
I said it wasn't very long ago.
I said it was with Jay.
And I said, but the hardest part was I knew Jesus then, and I
didn't turn to Him.
And I said, and what even made it harder was it was Jay's only child.
And we just sat and we prayed.
And I looked up, and my greatest fear was that she was going to be gone, and
Jesus would be gone.
And yet, they were persistent.
And they knew at that point that there was nothing else.
And I knew at that point that I was free.
I walked out of her office that day, and I no longer lived in a gray world.
I lived in a very black and white world.
The sky was bluer, the grass was greener, the birds sang.
And it was as if I walked into a whole new world.
And I knew that day who I was in Him, and that He loved me.
And there was no more guilt and shame, that it was gone.
He was now carrying that for me.
And I was now capable of being the wife and the mother and
the person that He created me to be.
I had shared my secrets and all that I had with Jay.
And he knew everything about me, too.
There were no more lies, there were no more secrets.
There was a new relationship.
And two and a half years later, I married Jay.
And we've been together for 17 years.
I couldn't have a marriage, in a relationship, of 17 years if
God wasn't in it.
I wasn't humanly possible of accomplishing that on my own, or being
the mother that I am to my boys today.
My greatest goal in life is one day to stand before Him and for Him to look at
me and say, well done, good and faithful servant, for whom I am pleased.
Hurry home, because you have three precious children waiting on you.
I am Lisa Luby Ryan.
And I thank God every single day that I am second.