- What's up?
I am so glad to be with you guys here with my community,
which is, the slut community.
(audience cheers)
It has been such a hard year for sluts.
I mean, the pandemic decimated the slut way of life.
Being a super spreader
means something like entirely different now.
(audience laughing)
I'm a feminist, sometimes.
(audience cheers)
That's not usually the reaction, to be honest.
Sometimes when I say that people get nervous and
I'm going to be like super angry, you know?
And like, to be honest, that really pisses me off.
Like, I hate the way that my male friends tiptoe around me.
They talk to me, like, they're constantly worried that
they're going to get in trouble with me.
You know, like I'm a parole officer and I'm like,
I just want you guys to talk to me like
I'm a regular woman, you know, like I'm a therapist.
(audience laughs)
One of my friends, he's 40 years old.
He recently started dating a 23 year old woman.
(audience reacts)
(Kate laughing)
No uh, neither to those.
(audience laughing)
Uh, but no, like, when he started dating her, he asked me,
he's like, do you think this is weird, Kate?
And I really didn't want to, you know?
I wanted it to be like fun and sex positive,
but I am neither of those things.
I am very judgmental and sex, pretty sure at best.
(audience laughing)
Like I was trying to really empathize, you know,
put myself in his position, you know?
Like how would I want my friends to react if
I was dating a 23 year old guy? But like here's the thing
is that I would absolutely never do that.
I don't want to. Nobody wants to date a 23 year old guy,
least of all 23 year old women.
(audience cheers and claps)
That's why they're dating my creepy friends.
(audience laughs)
Like what the fuck would I do with a 23 year old boyfriend
if I had one? Would I like take him out to play catch?
(audience laughs)
I didn't even really have a dad.
I am definitely not ready to be one.
(audience laughs)
I don't want to have sexual intercourse with
someone who has never vacuumed.
(audience laughs)
I want someone to be attracted to me because
I am smart and ambitious.
Not just because I have snacks in my purse.
(audience laughs)
Like I'm going to want totally different things out of life.
You know,
a 23 year old guy versus like a woman in her thirties,
you know?
Like I'm like looking for someone to start a family with.
He's looking for someone who can believe in his potential as
a drummer. Like, like if I, if I get pregnant,
I'm gonna have to be like, oh, don't worry, sweetheart.
The baby is not going to take all your toys.
You know, like the age to rent a car is 25.
Why would I have lower standards than Hertz?
(audience laughing and clapping)
I wanted to understand so I asked my friend.
I was like, well maybe if you explained to me
what you like about your girlfriend, it will help me get it,
you know? And he's like, oh, that's so easy.
Like, she's really smart and she's really sweet and
she's incredibly into me and she is
super physically attractive.
And I'm just like, it doesn't make sense.
I think that the way that female sexual attraction works is
just very different, you know?
And he's like, well, okay,
who's an example of someone that you're attracted to?
And I'm just like, I don't know, like um,
Ted Bundy's pretty hot.
(audience laughs)
It's very hard for me to get it
when men date people that they don't consider their
intellectual and emotional peers. Because like, as a woman,
I would never date a guy
that I didn't truly, truly in my bones respect,
unless he was also, pretty mean to me.
(audience laughs)
Yeah. It's uh, it's hard for me to even really feel
on the same wavelength with men my age, you know?
Cause I think it's just like,
women are forced to grow up so early,
you know, when we're like 12, 13,
really like the second that we get boobies, people are like,
okay, it's time for you to stop playing with toys now.
That is not hot, you know?
(audience laughs)
Not a girl, not yet a woman,
just trying to be a really sexy kid.
(audience laughs)
And with boys your age,
there's not that same pressure whatsoever.
You know, like they're still playing basketball, video games
and they get to do that until they're like?
I don't even know when it stops.
(audience laughing)
All I'm saying is that the age of consent for men
should be like 45.
(audience cheering and clapping)
I think there's two types of guys that get laid a lot.
One is men who are charming, handsome, and successful.
And the other type of guy that gets laid a lot
is men that you're like, ewe.
What would even happen if I fucked him?
(audience laughs )
That guy is my sexual wheelhouse.
(audience laughing)
I met the last guy I was dating, here's how we met.
He was saying sexist shit to me on the internet.
He was trolling me online. Yeah, like,
Look, I know there's a lot of talk about how young girls are
negatively influenced by Disney princess movies.
But personally, I was more damaged by Shrek.
(audience laughs)
On our first date, he was like, here's the thing about me.
People say that I'm sexist, but I'm actually
really into being sexually submissive, you know?
And I was like, okay, okay, cool.
At least he fantasizes about respecting women.
(audience laughs)
I'm a standup comedian.
I don't have super traditional ideas of gender roles.
You know, like I fuck unemployed guys.
He likes pegging, you know?
It's just like us against the world, babe, you know?
(audience hoots)
But then, you know, he was sexually submissive,
but not even domestically helpful.
(audience laughs)
He did not believe in helping a woman clean
unless it was like, her boots with his mouth. That was it.
(audience laughs)
It became extremely egregious sometimes because it was like,
dude, okay, you're already crawling around on the floor
on a fucking leash. Just pick up your own socks
when you're down there. Throw them in the hamper.
(audience clapping)
I was like, dude,
I can't make us dinner every single night.
I'm already exhausted
from justifying this relationship to my friends.
(audience laughs)
I know some of these jokes are kind of mean,
but like, don't worry. He has a public humiliation fetish.
(audience laughs and claps)
This gets back around him,
the worst that's going to happen is he'll jack off. Um.
(audience laughing)
Yeah. But I eventually, eventually I was like, okay,
you know, is there any way that
we can use your sexual fetish to make
our relationship more egalitarian in real life? You know,
like maybe I could like tie you up and like gag you.
And then like,
I could have a turn to say my political opinions?
(audience laughs)
And then he was like, no, you know what?
That's not actually going to work for me because
the thing is, is like, I don't really see you as dominant
because I feel like I'm the one
that's in charge in our relationship.
And I never really was super interested
in being dominant either, but when he said that,
I really wanted to hit him.
(audience clapping)
Yeah. Instead he was like,
I'd actually like to open our relationship, you know that,
so maybe I can get some dominatrixes and stuff
and you know, it's just like, I don't know, man.
I just always felt like if I was like polyamorous,
like it would be with a guy
who was like really good at guitar, you know?
Like I just, I'm not really gonna like,
be the third girlfriend of some like,
anarchist alcoholic who lives in a shipping container.
You know? Like,
it would just be so embarrassing if I got caught like
dumpster diving with my sister wives, you know? Like,
Hey, what's up? Oh yeah. I joined a hobo harem.
You know? It's just, it's weird.
(audience laughing)
Man.
I hooked up with this one guy one time
who told me that he was scared to go down on me
because I had pubic hair.
Scared. Scared is the word that he used.
Yeah, and I just had to gently remind him that like,
men used to have to fight wars.
(audience laughs)
Your grandpa was in the trenches.
You can get in the bushes, my friend.