-Guys, have you ever seen a photo in the news
and think the headline could be so much better?
I'll show you what I mean. It's time for "News and Improved."
-♪ News and Improved ♪
-For example, check out this first photo.
The original headline was "Trump Greets Supporters."
That headline could definitely be improved,
because if you only looked at the photo,
the headline could have been,
"Drunk Friend Signals 'All Good' from Back of Cop Car."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Check out this next photo here. The original headline was,
"Giuliani Gives Press Conference,"
but if you only looked at the photo,
the headline could have been,
"Just For Men Urges Customers to Follow the One Box a Day Rule."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Honestly, it looks like soy sauce.
-Yeah. -Up next, this headline says,
"Biden Names First Cabinet Pick."
The headline could have been,
"Man Tells Gripping Story about Recent Prostate Exam."
See how it is? The headline --
[ Laughter ]
The next headline was,
"McConnell Proposes Shifting Funds."
Come on. The headline could have been,
"Turkey Gives Closing Argument
on Why He Should Be Spared This Year."
[ Laughter and applause ]
This next headline was, "Medvedev Wins Paris Masters."
The headline could have been,
"Man Vows Never Again to Go on Amazon While Drunk."
"The heck is it?
Tie rack?"
Next headline was,
"Iowa Celebrates After Winning Touchdown."
Headline could have been,
"Iowa's had the Time of Their Lives
and They've Never Felt This Way Before."
[ Applause ]
The next headline was, "Harris Briefed on Economy."
The headline could have been, "Woman Starting to Worry
About Friend Who Went to Bathroom 20 Minutes Ago."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next headline was, "NASA Teams Up with Space-X."
Headline could have been,
"Old Navy Announces New 'Pandemic Chic' Line."
[ Laughter and applause ]
The next headline was, "Chinese Demand for Crops Increases."
Headline could have been,
"Man Again Miscalculates How Much Pasta to Put in the Pot."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I don't know.
That much? Way too much.
Did you ever buy those --
I bet you bought one. -What?
-One of those -- They almost look like a ruler
or something like that, that have holes in it,
and you put the pasta in the holes
that measures out how much --
-Yeah, I know. No, no.
-Have you bought one? -No.
-I think Questlove has.
-Yeah, I just take a handful of pasta, snap it in half,
and go for it.
-Why do you snap it in half?
-I don't like super long noodles, you know?
-You're in the wrong game, dude.
[ Laughter ]
You don't want to, like, do, "Lady and the Tramp" stuff?
-I mean, nah, no, especially not during COVID.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm talking about with your family,
your wife, Michelle. -I mean, yeah.
Hey, man, anybody can get sick now.
[ Laughter ]
No, man.
-That's the only way I eat my pasta now.
-Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm.
There's one giant noodle in a bowl,
and takes me and my wife about three hours. Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Do you use a spoon to swirl your pasta around the fork or --
-That is a good question. I --
Clearly, you don't, 'cause you have too short pasta.
But --
But I -- Yeah, I started doing it,
and it kind of used to make my dad mad for some reason.
[ Laughter ]
It's like, "Why are you getting mad?"
He's like, "No one does that. You don't have to do that."
I go, "I don't have to do it, but I'm doing it."
And then my mom was like, "Jimmy's been to Italy,
so I think that's what they do."
[ Laughter ]
So, yeah. It think it was the thing like,
"Oh, Mr. Big Shot." -Show off.
-"You going to teach me how to eat pasta now, Mr. Big Shot,
huh? Go get me a beer!"
No. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, I'm just kidding.
This next headline was, "Pompeo Visits Middle East."
Headline could have been, "Dad Bans Sleepovers
After Getting Pranked Into Gluing Hand To Head."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Reginald!"
-[ Laughs ] That's your kid's name?
-Yeah, Reginald is the --
[ Laughter ]
"Reginald!
No more sleepovers."
Finally, this headline was,
"Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Arrives."
Headline could have been, "Year Summed Up in Tree."
There you go. That's all the time we have
for "News and Improved."