- Do we have any pot smokers here at all?
(crowd cheers)
All right.
Jesus, this a group outing? My God.
(crowd laughs)
I have a theory.
I don't smoke weed. I have a theory.
If your life sucks, don't smoke weed,
because when I was in college, I got high one time,
and when I got high, everything slowed down.
(crowd laughs)
Last thing you need when your life sucks
is to put that sucker in slow motion.
So, when you're sober and you're unemployed,
you're unemployed,
but when you're high and you're unemployed,
you are un-em-ployed.
(crowd laughs)
I say, if your life sucks, drink,
because if you drink, you might black out,
and that's like a fast forward button.
That's what you want.
(crowd applauds)
I like when I drink and black out,
because the next day,
I always feel like I'm in my own CSI episode, you know?
Looking for clues everywhere I go.
What the ...
Oh.
Taco Bell?
Mountain Dew.
Who the hell is that?
When I was younger though, when I turned 21,
I was stupid, I got a DUI.
That sucked.
Got to the part of the test where they're like,
"Walk in a straight line,"
I said, "Mhmm, not tonight.
Should have caught me last night, I was sober."
It's at that part of the test though,
where I wished I was a gymnast,
because I don't think a gymnast has ever gotten a DUI,
because these chicks have balance.
No matter how drunk they are, they can always walk
that straight line, you know?
"Yeah, officer,
sure I can walk a straight line, no problem."
(crowd laughs)
(crowd applauds)
Ta-dah.
Wow.
"Here are your keys."
It was the dumbest thing I've ever done.
I'm a very responsible person.
Like, when I have sex, I have safe sex.
When I have sex, I wear a helmet.
I set up traffic cones, I direct traffic.
"Here," very safe, very safe.
I have a boyfriend. We've been together for years.
When we first started dating, he asked me that question,
"How many guys have you slept with?"
And I said three.
- [Audience Member] Liar.
- No, it's true, I've only slept with three.
I don't know how many I fucked, but ...
(crowd cheers)
I've only slept with three.
Ask the right question, stupid.
(crowd laughs)
Technicality.
I do have a white boyfriend.
I don't mean to brag.
(crowd laughs)
I love it. I love having a white boyfriend.
He makes me feel like I'm white by association.
I get pulled over by a cop,
I just point to the passenger seat,
I'm like, "I think I'm getting a warning."
I love it.
He's been teaching me to do white things
I didn't know were possible,
like talk to a supervisor when things are unsatisfactory.
I didn't know you could do that, man.
Brown people don't do that.
We went to eat a burger, the burger sucked,
he complained, two weeks later, gift card at my apartment.
White people, you don't understand.
To me, you're like superheroes.
You can do things I can't do.
White guy, the power to walk through Nordstrom
without being followed by security.
I love it.
Guys are awesome.
I'm a tomboy, grew up with brothers, you know?
Not very girly.
I love being a tomboy though.
My favorite thing to do on the weekends
is go outside and watch the girls that are
wearing the tight clothes,
like the high heels walking around, you know,
trying to look sexy.
It's like they're saying, "Oh, yeah.
Come and get it."
Worst time of the year just passed months ago, Halloween.
That's the worst time, you know?
Because the girls dress up in like the little costumes,
you know, it's like, "Hmm,
I'm a sexy French maid, ooh."
I can't do that.
I just look like a maid.
(crowd laughs)
Housekeeping.
That's the last thing I need,
for me to try to turn my boyfriend on.
He's like, "Look who's doing some cleaning, all right.
Here's my laundry."
I hate Halloween, you know?
My favorite day is the day after Halloween,
because that's when you see all
the sexy girls in the costumes
doing the walk of shame back home, I love it,
because a sexy kitten isn't sexy anymore.
She's got a broken ear,
the sexy bunny is missing a tail.
They look like the abused pet commercials
from the Sarah McLachlan ...
Like,
(Cristela vocalizing)
This sexy cat lost its tail banging a pirate, you know?